


The Decision

by zroe



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Flashbacks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-18
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2018-08-23 05:44:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 51,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8316109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zroe/pseuds/zroe
Summary: Six years ago, Lexa Woods made the only decision that she could - she left. Now a twist of fate is bringing her home.What will happen when her path again intertwines with the people that she left behind and the love that she walked away from? Will she find a chance to regain everything that she once sacrificed or will she have to accept that just like time, people move on?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to contact me here:  
> • z.roe@hotmail.com  
> • @zroe_z (Twitter)

Lexa was three quarters of the way through an eighteen hour flight from Bangkok to New York. It was strange to think about being in the states again. Six years had passed since she had been sent to Bangkok by her parents to oversee a branch of one of their many businesses. Six years, since she had severed ties with her dearest friends, the people that she had considered her actual family. Six years, since she had broken the heart of her best friend and lover, an amazing woman that she truly loved and hoped that she would one day marry.

Anya: What time does your flight get in?  
Lexa: About 11:00am  
Anya: Ok. I’ll be there.  
Lexa: That’s not necessary. I’ve arranged a car.  
Lexa: I have a meeting with their lawyers shortly after landing. I’ll contact you after.  
Anya: Oh. Okay.  
Anya: It’ll be fine. You know that, right? You’ll be fine. Everything will be fine. 

Lexa smirked as she stared down at her laptop. Anya was her cousin, her friend and the only person that she had maintained contact with, besides her parents. Her parents... 

Less than a week ago Lexa had received the call notifying her of their passing and she still didn’t know how to feel about it. On one hand, they were her parents and somehow, she was sure that she must love them. She was supposed to love them, wasn’t she? But, on the other hand, they were coldest and cruelest people that she’d even known and they were the reason that she had to leave everything behind. The reason, that she had to leave Clarke.

“Clarke,” she whispered to herself, still feeling a familiar ache in her unhealed heart. Extracting a photo from her wallet, Lexa stared down at the pair of them. They were so young and vibrant, so happy and so, undeniably in love, but now that was all gone. Now the only thing between them was time, distance and a hatred that she was quite sure would burn for all eternity. All born of a decision that she shouldn’t have had to make, but one that she did, and regardless of the pain in her chest, she knew that it wasn’t just the right decision, it was the only decision.

Returning the picture to her wallet and returning her wallet to the breast pocket of her coat Lexa closed her eyes, trying to fend off the random flashes of her last interaction with Clarke and some of the last things her friends had said to her.

****************************************************************************************************************************************************

“You can’t just leave.” Clarke shook her head in disbelief.  
“I can and I am.” Lexa replied stoically. “My parents need me in Bangkok.”  
“Your parents don’t give a damn about you!” Clarke snapped fiercely. “They barely know anything about you!”  
Lexa said nothing, maintaining her emotionless appearance.  
“What about us? I need you. I love you. Lexa.” Clarke croaked as the tears spilled from her eyes and began streaming down her cheeks “I love you, so fucking much. You said…We said… No! I won’t lose you. I can’t. I can’t!”  
“Clarke listen to me, I want you to have a good life. Christ, I want you to have the best life,” Lexa kept her tone hard, “but that life – it isn’t with me.”  
“It is! It’s always been with you!” Clarke practically screamed. “I don’t want anyone else – just you! I don’t care how far it is! We’ll make it work!”  
“I can’t say when or if I will ever be back.” Lexa said in an even tone, as she walked towards the door. “Even attempting to stay together wouldn’t be fair to either of us. We both need to just move on with our lives.”  
Clarke stepped in her path, her breathing was short and her blue eyes were bloodshot and cloudy. She was so much paler than normal and her body seemed coated in a layer of sweat. She looked sick, so sick. “Please, don’t do this.”  
Lexa felt her eyes gloss slightly, but she set them with determination. “I’m sorry, Clarke.” She said softly, and walked out without another word.

Raven: Really, what the fuck is wrong with you?  
Bellamy: You said that you wouldn’t hurt her.  
Lincoln: Bangkok? Lexa, what the hell are you doing?!  
Monty: That is just so messed up.  
Jasper: You’re such an ass!  
O: I can’t believe that after everything you would do this to her. I know how much she means to you! Everyone know how much you two love each other. You need Clarke, as much as she needs you. Why are you doing this??? Come on, Lexa!

****************************************************************************************************************************************************

After the plane touched down, Lexa quickly retrieved her luggage, picked up her car and drove into the city. It was funny to see these streets again. Memories and ghosts of the past lurked around every corner. Finally reaching her destination, Lexa dropped her car off with the valet and walked towards the front doors of the restaurant.

“Game on,” she thought and pushed open the doors.

Charles Pike and Dante Wallace were standing at the bar, each holding a glass of brandy and a cigar. They were two of the most pretentious, condescending bastards that Lexa had ever met and not once, had she ever enjoyed being in their company.

“Alexandria, how good to see you again.” Dante said as he stepped forward and extended his hand. Lexa didn’t take it.  
“Welcome Alexandria, how was Bangkok?” Charles questioned.  
“Ms. Woods.” Lexa quickly corrected them. “I would hardly say that we are on good enough terms for much more than that, and would you put the cigars out, gentlemen? I find them quite offensive.”  
Both men looked like they had just been slapped. “Yes, of course, of course.” Dante said and quickly put out his cigar.  
After a second of hesitation and a hard glare from Lexa, Charles followed in suit. “We have lots to go over…”  
“I’m not here to go over anything with you. I’m merely here to pick up the paperwork.” Lexa interrupted him. “I will read over it all tonight and contact you in the morning.”  
“Alexandria, I don’t think…” Dante began, but froze when Lexa glared at him. He cleared his throat. “Ms. Woods, I don’t think you understand how much there is to go over.”  
“And I don’t think that you understand that I am quite capable of reading it myself.” Lexa snapped quickly. “I’m sure that both of you are aware that I too, have a law degree.”  
Both men looked completely affronted, but after a moment, handed over their files and left the bar without another word. 

As soon as they were gone Lexa felt her muscles relax a little, but only a little. Scooping up the paperwork, she made her way back to her car. It was time to finally go home.

“Nice to see you again, Ms. Woods,” Gustus greeted her as he stood up behind his desk.  
“Gus,” Lexa replied politely and extended her hand, “you’re still here?”  
“Yes ma’am,” he replied with a kind smile as he shook her hand. “I’ll be here as long as they’ll have me. Miss Anya has been by several times. I think that you’ll find everything in order.”  
“Thank you, Gustus.” Lexa nodded and made her way to the elevator.

She could have sold the space when she left for Bangkok, after all, it was hers. Her parents had bought it for her when she turned eighteen. But, she couldn’t part with it, she didn’t want to. To her, it was more than just an apartment, it was her home and maintaining it in her absence had been easy enough. The building supplied its own cleaning services and with no one there on a regular basis, the utilities had barely cost her a thing. 

After making her preparations to return to the states, Lexa had contacted Anya, asking her if she could restock some of the basic supplies and also to put away any of her personal photographs. She didn’t want to look at them.  
Finally reaching the door, Lexa took a deep breath and carefully unlocked it. Stepping inside was like stepping back in time. She set her suitcase and briefcase by the door and dropped her coat over the back of one of the large, white sofas as she began to explore. It was the most surreal experience ever. Nearly everything was exactly the way she had left it – even the book she had been reading was still sitting on the coffee table. She shook her head with a grin as she stared at it. Though it had been a very good read, she had never been able to bring herself to finish it. Maybe someday?

As she moved through the apartment, Lexa cautiously glanced into her old music room, her eyes falling on her piano as she rubbed the scar on her hand. She hadn’t played in years and her fingers almost itched to finally do so again. Shaking her head quickly, she moved on to the kitchen where she could hear a light hum coming from the refrigerator and opening it she found that Anya had gone above and beyond just picking up the basics. Grabbing a beer, Lexa closed the door and went to peek inside of the cabinets, finding basically the same thing, they were practically stocked full. Minus the personal touch of life, no one would have ever been able to tell that this apartment had been lying empty for the past six years. 

Tossing the bottle cap into the trash, Lexa took a deep breath and decided that it was time – time to see what the last six years had bought her, or maybe even cost her. She went and retrieved the paperwork from her briefcase and sat down at her desk with a sigh.

Hours later, the sun was beginning to set as Lexa sat at her desk with tears streaming down her cheeks and a light smile playing on her face. Everything was hers. She had complete control of everything, and there were no stipulations. She had actually done it. After spending the last six years focusing on nothing except working hard and pleasing her parents, both professionally and personally, now, she was finally free.

Walking over to the windows, Lexa stared out over the city. In just a couple of days, all of the paperwork would be finalized and her parents would be buried. After all this time, there would be no one to tell her what her life was or should be, it would be whatever she made it and whatever she wanted it to be. It would be hers – just hers. Where it would take her, she couldn’t even begin to wonder, not yet, but she was ready for it.

She had so many things at tend to over the next few days, but right now her mind was beginning to flood with the endless possibilities that her new life would offer her. Lexa was so lost in the thought of how strange it would all be that she didn’t even notice how much time had gone by or hear the door open behind her.

“Get your scrawny ass over here and give me a hug!” Anya ordered as she entered the room.  
Lexa turned and gave her a playful look. “I will have know, that my ass is just fine – more than fine,” she said as scooped her into a tight embrace. “You look amazing.”  
“Me?” Anya exclaimed, taking a step back, but keeping a firm hold on her shoulders. “Look at you!”  
Lexa’s mouth twitched lightly. “Shall we eat?” She questioned, nodding towards the pizza that Anya had apparently set on the table.  
“Thought you’d appreciate that.” Anya grinned.  
“Very much so.” Lexa nodded quickly. She’d been dying for a good piece of pizza for ages.

Lounging out in the living room, they gorged themselves on pizza and sipped on several beers while they chatted well into the night. This was just one of the many things that Lexa had missed. 

“So, are you going to tell me what happened with the jackals?” Anya finally questioned.  
“I sent them away.” Lexa answered simply, as she tossed a piece of pizza crust into the empty box on the table.  
“Sent them away?” Anya questioned her curiously.  
“I wanted to look everything over without them.” Lexa explained with a nod. “I needed to digest it on my own.”  
“And??” Anya could barely contain herself.  
Lexa’s lips twitched a little. “I own and control everything.”  
“Are there any stipulations?” Anya questioned quickly. Of course that would be her first question.  
Lexa shook her head. “None.”  
“Un. Fucking. Believable.” Anya said standing up, clearly shocked. “You did it.”  
“Apparently, I did.” Lexa sighed.  
“So, what’s your first order of business then?” Anya asked. “After, well, you know…”  
“New legal representation.” Lexa answered, as she too got to her feet and eyed her cousin.  
Anya eyed her right back, waiting patiently for her to continue.  
“You’re one hell of an attorney, Anya.” Lexa began to pace. “I need another hand and there’s no one that I’d trust more. I’ll double what you’re making. Triple it, if need be. Whatever you want or need....”  
Anya’s eyes sharpened, but she smiled. “Stop,” she interrupted and held up her and. “You’ve already got me.”  
“Thank you.” Lexa nodded, obviously pleased. “Will you be staying tonight?”  
“No, I think I’ll go.” Anya answered as she slipped back into her heels. “After all, I have resignation to hand in first thing tomorrow.”  
“Indeed. I’ll call a meeting with Pike and Wallace in the morning.” Lexa said as she began cleaning up their dinner. “You’ll be present?”  
Anya released a wide smile, her eyes sparkling devilishly. “I wouldn’t miss it,” she answered and after placing a quick kiss on the top of Lexa’s head, she let herself out.

Lexa stared down the long hallway. She hadn’t yet been able to bring herself to venture into her old bedroom. Truth be told, she was afraid of what stepping through that door might do to her, and now was not the time to turn weak.

“No sleep for the wicked,” she mumbled to herself and returned to her desk.

Hours later Lexa was still pouring over paperwork, familiarizing herself with accounts, names, dates and faces. While she had worked very close with her father, she knew that there was still a lot that she was unfamiliar with, still a lot that she needed to know. Her parents had spent decades building an empire and now that Lexa was the face of it, she was determined not only to be successful, but to make changes. Her parents passing had brought her a great amount of power, but she wasn’t going to use that power the way her parents had. She would do better, be better.

Peeling herself away from the desk, Lexa glanced at the clock, 2:34am. She knew that she needed to sleep. She had barely slept a wink since receiving the call about her parents. Slowly she made her way down the hall and grabbed the knob on her bedroom door. She stood there for a moment, debating. “Just do it,” she told herself and turned the knob, but fear gripped her and she couldn’t. Letting go of the knob she instead went back into the living room and poured herself a drink. 

Clicking on her playlist on her phone, she stripped off her button down, she leaned back on the sofa, trying to fend off the thoughts of Clarke that were threatening to enter her mind. She was fighting a losing battle though and her thoughts oddly took her back to a day, shortly after she had met Clarke.

****************************************************************************************************************************************************

Lexa was sitting in a studying with Lincoln and Anya when her phone began going off. Looking down, she found a chat notification from Clarke.

Clarke: Get together on Friday?? Our place??  
Lexa: Get together with who?

O: Uh, with us. Hello??  
Raven: Yeah – who else would it be? Everyone coming?  
Jasper: I’m in.  
Bellamy: Me too.

“What the hell?” Lexa muttered to herself as she stared at the screen.

Lexa: Why am I in this conversation?  
Clarke: I added you.  
Raven: More like claimed you.  
Lexa: Claimed me??  
O: It’s true.  
Clarke: Yeah. I did.  
Lexa: So, now everyone has my contact information?  
O: Pretty much how it works with us.

Lexa rolled her eyes and sighed. Unbelievable.

Lexa: Great.  
Bellamy: You’ll get used to it.  
Monty: It’s their favorite way to communicate.  
Lexa: Brilliant.  
Clarke: Shut up, guys. Lexa!!! Will you come????  
Raven: Yeah, come on!  
Lexa: I’m supposed to have a date.  
Clarke: You do??? With who??  
Clarke: Why did I not know about this?? I should know these things!

Lexa felt her brow furrow at she stared down at her phone for a few minutes.  
“What is happening over there?” Lincoln whispered curiously.

Lexa: Um?  
O: Claimed, remember??  
Lexa: Oh, right.  
Clarke: Lexa???  
Lexa: What?  
Clarke: Who is he??? Where’d you meet? Where’s he taking u???

Lexa looked at her phone. This was going to go one of two ways, really good or really bad. Her brow furrowed slightly. “Well, at least I’ll get all the birds with one stone,” she thought.

Lexa: It’s a blind date. I only know her name – Emori.  
Clarke: Wait, what??  
Raven: OMG Clarke the look on your face! You’re so red!!!  
O: You really are! Lol  
Clarke: Shut up!  
Clarke: Lexa, you’re gay? Why didn’t you tell me?  
Lexa: I didn’t realize it would be a problem.  
Clarke: What? No, no – it’s not a problem.  
O: Yeah – it’s totally not.  
Clarke: But, you don’t look gay…  
Raven: Did you really just say that?  
Bellamy: Clarke, really?  
Clarke: No – I didn’t mean it like that!!!!

Lexa smirked, shaking her head lightly. She hadn’t known Clarke for very long, but she could already picture her getting extremely flustered on the other side of the screen.

Lexa: Perhaps I should start wearing more flannel?  
Raven: HAHAHA!!! Brilliant idea!  
Clarke: No. I love your clothes! Will you come on Friday? After your date?  
Raven: Yeah, come on!  
Clarke: Please!!!  
Lexa: I suppose.  
Clarke: Yay!  
Raven: Sweet!  
Bellamy: Can’t wait to meet you.  
Monty: Me too!

Lexa put her phone away, but then had another thought.

Lexa: Mind if I bring a couple friends?  
Clarke: Who??  
Lexa: My friend Lincoln, you met him already, and my cousin, Anya.  
O: Is Lincoln the guy who was with you the night you and Clarke met??  
Lexa: Yes.  
O: Ok.  
Clarke: Who’s red now?  
Raven: Hahahaha!  
O: Shut up!!

Lexa chuckled and put her phone away. “You two are coming to a party with me on Friday,” she said as she pulled another textbook in front of her.  
“You have a date on Friday, idiot.” Anya reminded her as she casually flipped through her notes.  
“After.” Lexa said without looking up.  
Anya looked up. “You’re doing a date and party all in one night?” She asked, as though she must be misunderstanding.  
“I am” Lexa nodded.  
“Where’s the party?” Lincoln asked.  
“At Clarke’s.” Lexa answered simply.  
“The sandwich girl?” Lincoln shot out. “From a couple of weeks ago?  
“Sandwich girl?” Anya echoed, clearly confused.  
“Anya, it was the craziest thing I’ve ever seen.” Lincoln smiled and shook his head. “We were having lunch and this girl just shows up, clearly knowing nothing about personal space. She has the most random conversation with Lexa ever, takes a bite of her sandwich and leaves,” he motioned to Lexa. “She barely even flinched.”  
Anya cocked an eyebrow and looked curiously at her cousin. “Really?”  
“It didn’t bother me.” Lexa shook her head and sighed. “That’s just how Clarke is,” she explained. “She’s very, tangible.”  
“And you’re the polar opposite.” Anya chuckled as she leaned forward. “Does my little cousin have a little crush?”  
“Stop it. We’re friends.” Lexa huffed. “We just get each other. Okay? It’s different. It’s easy,” she finished and turned her attention back to her textbook.  
Anya smirked at Lincoln. “This should be interesting.”

Friday night came quickly, and Lexa found herself standing in front of Clarke’s apartment with Anya and Lincoln.

“Quit lurking, Commander.” Raven said as she came up behind them.  
“I wasn’t lurking,” Lexa insisted as she straightened her stance even further, “and don’t call me that. I have a name.”  
“You were, and look at you – it suits you.” Raven grinned and when Lexa didn’t respond she turned to Anya. “Seriously, does this girl ever smile?”  
“Maybe when she has gas,” Anya mocked playfully. “Isn’t that is what makes babies smile?”  
“Shut it.” Lexa glared.  
Raven smirked and extended her hand to Anya. “Raven Reyes.”  
“Anya Woods.” Anya said shaking her hand. “Perhaps a drink would loosen her up,” she added, jerking her head towards Lexa.  
“I know just the man. Well, maybe not quite a man.” Raven grinned playfully. “Follow me.”

A moment later they burst through the front door.  
“Look who I found lurking outside.” Raven announced loudly as she dragged Lexa through the door, with Anya and Lincoln following closely behind. “Your broody, new friend.”  
“Lexa!” Clarke’s face lit up.  
“Follow me.” Raven said to the trio quickly. “I’ll introduce you to everyone. Ok so, these two fools sitting on the floor are Jasper and Monty,” she said and rubbed Monty’s head. “Jasper, will you make this girl a drink?”  
Monty waved and Jasper got to his feet. “Sure thing.”  
“Oh, hell no, you don’t!” Clarke said as she also got to her feet. “I’ll get it.”  
“Clarke! I’m heartbroken!” Jasper said, grabbing his chest, his blue eyes wide. “You don’t trust me.”  
“Ha. I know you.” Clarke scoffed playfully and looked at Lexa. “He makes crazy strong drinks.”  
“Got it. “Lexa nodded, her eyes falling on a boy lounging a chair close to her.  
“Then he can make mine.” Anya stated firmly.  
“Ah, a girl who can handle her liquor,” Raven grinned and popped her eyebrows. “I like it. Okay. Moving on, that’s Finn,” she explained, pointing to the boy in the chair. “Clarke’s boyfriend, but generally speaking, he thinks he’s God’s gift to all women.”  
Finn released a somewhat sleazy grin. “How you doing?”  
A man with wavy brown hair and large dark eyes stepped in front of them. “I’m Bellamy. Octavia’s brother,” he interrupted and Lexa was grateful. She didn’t like the way Finn had looked at her.  
“Yes, my annoying, older brother,” Octavia chimed in, but her eyes were on Lincoln.  
“You love me, O.” Bellamy smiled earnestly. “We’re getting ready to play cards. You guys in?”  
“Sure.” Lexa replied as Clarke returned and handed her a drink. She took a quick sip. “Oh, that’s awful.”  
“It’s just rum and diet coke.” Clarke shrugged.  
Lexa’s eyebrows went up. “Do I look like I need diet anything?” She asked, motioning to her body.  
Clarke released a laugh and nudged her before dropping back into her seat.

The card game went on for quite a while and by the end everyone seemed to be getting along great.

“We need food.” Bellamy stated as he flopped down on the couch next to Clarke, brushing his curly brown bangs from his eyes and smiling stupidly. “Order some food?”  
“O, will you order some pizza?” Clarke called out.  
“Ask Raven to do it!” Octavia yelled back.  
Clarke shook her head, her blonde waves bouncing on her shoulders and got up from the couch.  
“So, what’s your story?” Bellamy asked Lexa when Clarke was out of earshot.  
“No story.” Lexa answered and shook her head. “Clarke and I met at a party a couple weeks ago. I walked her home and after that, according to your sister, she claimed me. Now, I’m here.”  
“Clarke is good people. She’s got a huge heart.” Bellamy’s mouth widened into a smile. “Seems like she’s taken to you pretty quick.”  
“It appears that we understand each other.” Lexa nodded stiffly.  
“I can see that.” Bellamy said and got up. “You seem alright.”  
“As do you,” Lexa nodded again.  
Bellamy turned to walk away but, his eyes found Octavia and Lincoln. “I think your friend likes my sister.”  
Lexa glanced at them. “I think your sister likes my friend.”  
“Hmm,” he hummed and walked away.

Bellamy definitely gave off that big brother vibe, and though it stuck out the most with Octavia, it was obvious that he had that same stance for the entire group. 

Suddenly Raven popped up from behind the couch. “Don’t mind Bellamy, he’s just sizing you up.” She explained as she hopped over the back of the couch, landing next to Lexa with a thump.  
“Why?” Lexa questioned curiously.  
“Well, we’re all really protective of each other – we’re a family.” Raven explained, motioning to her friends. “Well, except for Finn. He doesn’t really spend a lot of time with us like this. He’s just here because he’s got wood for Clarke.”  
“Great visual.” Lexa pinched the bridge of her nose.  
“Not really.” Raven laughed and wiggled a pinky in the air.  
“You and Finn?” Lexa questioned.  
“It was a long time ago.” Raven waved her hand. “A very drunk night – no big deal,” she said getting to her feet.  
“And you’re okay with them?” Lexa was slightly surprised.  
“My biggest issue is thinking she deserves better.” Raven shrugged.  
“I don’t like him.” Lexa said, shocking herself, but it was true. There was something about him. Something in the way he carried himself and the way his eyes shifted around the room. She had already caught him checking her and Anya out several times. Not only did she not like him, she didn’t trust him  
Raven grinned at her as she leaned down. “I knew there was a reason that I liked you,” she winked and walked off.

Later, as they ate their pizza, Clarke leaned against Lexa. “So, how was your date?”  
“It was fine.” Lexa stated with a slight shrug.  
“I have to tell you, you didn’t really strike me as the blind date type.” Clarke admitted.  
Lexa swallowed hard and pointed across the room at Anya. “Her fault,” she replied.  
Clarke gave her a questioning look.  
Lexa shifted slightly and shrugged. “My last relationship didn’t end well.”  
“Oh. I understand. Listen, I’m sorry about what I said, about you not looking….” Clarke began to ramble. “I didn’t mean….well, I did, because well, look at you, but…”  
“Look at me?” Lexa questioned, feeling suddenly amused.  
“Uh, yeah Lexa, you’re totally hot,” Clarke explained as her cheeks flushed a little. “Not just like attractive, but like, stunningly attractive.”  
“Clarke, your dumb is showing.” Raven warned, causing the redness in Clarke’s cheeks to deepen. “Though there is no denying your hotness, Commander.”  
Lexa gaped a little at her statement as the entire room nodded in agreement.  
“Stop stereotyping.” Octavia said suddenly, throwing a tiny scrap of pizza crust at Clarke.  
“I’m not. I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant…I don’t know.” Clarke huffed in defeat and pouted. “Sorry. God, my dumb is showing.”  
Lexa shook her head lightly as she stared at her. “I don’t think that you’re dumb,” she told her quietly and smiled.  
A warm smile equally spread across Clarke’s face as her blue eyes met Lexa’s green ones.  
“Give it time.” Raven quipped with a nod and Clarke elbowed her in the ribs, causing everyone in the room to laugh.

Anya: You like her.  
Lexa: Stop it. We’re just friends.  
Anya: Be that as it may, you like her.  
Lexa: It’s not like that. Leave it alone.  
Anya: Not a fuckin chance, Commander.

Lexa’s eyes snapped up and she glared across the room at Anya, who just smirked and cocked her eyebrow. Raven was standing next to her wearing and equally smug smirk.

Lexa: Being friends with her has been so easy. Please, don’t fuck with it.  
Anya: You smiled.  
Lexa: What?  
Anya: You SMILED.

Lexa looked up at Anya and Raven again. Both nodded.

****************************************************************************************************************************************************

Lexa’s eyes shot open. She was still on the couch and the sun was just starting to peak through the windows. Her eyes were burning and she couldn’t catch her breath. Suddenly her stomach lurched violently and she leapt off the couch as fast as she could and ran for the bathroom where she proceeded to deposit the entire contents of her stomach into the toilet.

She had known that being back would unleash memories and feelings that she had buried long go. It made sense. This was her home. The years she had spent here had been the best of her life. What she didn’t know was the toll that they were apparently going to take on her, both emotionally and physically as well. 

The next few days passed by so quickly that Lexa felt lost in the haze of it all. Now she found herself standing at the bar with a drink in hand, trying to prepare herself for the repast that was already beginning in the room to the right. The restaurant was full of people, several events were apparently taking place tonight. She didn’t want to be there, she didn’t want to make small talk and receive false sympathies or go through the motions of lovingly remembering her parents. She was just beginning to contemplate slipping out when Anya appeared at her side. “You’re not leaving me here alone,” she told her in a stern, but also playful voice.  
“You know me too well.” Lexa smirked and took a sip of her drink.

As soon as the glass left her lips a sound filled Lexa’s ears and caused her blood to run cold. Laughter. Though it had been years since she had last heard it, Lexa had no doubt who it belonged to. Turning slowly, her breath caught in her chest as her eyes fell on a group of people were passing by. Some she didn’t recognized, but others she did and now there in front of her, close enough to touch, stood Octavia, Raven, Lincoln and a suddenly frozen Clarke. 

Swallowing hard, Lexa squared her shoulders. “Hello Clarke,” she said, with a set jaw. “How are you?”  
Clarke reacted instantly and responded by spitting in her face. “You bitch!” She yelled, causing Anya to step between them and her friends to pull her away. “How dare you…” Lexa heard Clarke say as they rounded the corner and disappeared. 

“Angry. Obviously angry, stupid,” Lexa said to herself as she pulled out a handkerchief and wiped off her face. “Fuck,” she muttered before quickly turning on her heel and walking away.

As Lexa hit the street, her feet just couldn’t carry her fast enough. A fire of anxiety was quickly spreading across her body and it was threatening to consumer her. This was neither the time, nor place for her to lose her composer. She had to get away. She had to…

“Alexandria Woods, you stop right there!” Another familiar voice rang through the night air and just like that, Lexa froze. She turned slowly and found a furious Abigail Griffin making her way down the sidewalk.  
“Why would you do that to her?” Abby asked harshly. “Tonight of all nights?”  
Lexa shook her head. This was so not supposed to happen. “Abby, I had no…” she began, but didn’t get to finish her sentence because a fist abruptly collided with her face, causing the brow above her left eye to burst.  
“I told you I’d kick your ass!” Raven roared angrily.  
“Sonofa…” Lexa breathed painfully as she stepped back, pulling out her handkerchief again and pressing it to the wound.  
Raven raised her fist, which was also bleeding, again.  
“Step away, Raven!” Anya’s voice rang out and stepped between them. “Touch her again and I promise you, I will have your snarky ass charged with assault.”  
“You have no right, Anya!” Raven glared at her.  
“As her attorney, I can assure you, I do.” Anya countered, tightening her jaw and causing her high cheekbones to appear even sharper.  
“God damn it!” Raven lashed out verbally.  
Abby placed a calming hand on Raven’s arm. “Why did you come here, Lexa? After all this time?” She pushed, clearly upset. “Clarke’s supposed to be in there happily celebrating her engagement, not reliving an old heartbreak.”  
As Lexa’s head snapped up, the blood ran freely down her temple. “Her engage….” her voice trailed off as her eyes slipped out of focus. Swallowing the lump that had suddenly developed in her throat, Lexa recovered quickly and composed herself. She cleared her throat. “Abby, I can assure you that I was completely unaware that Clarke would be here. Please, extend both my apologies and best wishes to her,” she said stoically and giving them one final nod, she turned and walked away.

When she was finally out of earshot, Anya turned back to Raven. “You didn’t have to hit her.”  
“She’s had that coming for years.” Raven huffed angrily, her chest still heaving.  
“Perhaps,” Anya acknowledged with a slight smirk, “but still, you didn’t have to.”  
Raven was still shaking her head. “Why didn’t you stop her?”  
“She didn’t know…”Anya began.  
“Whatever!” Raven interrupted. “She knew exactly what she was doing. She just wanted to fuck with Clarke!”  
Anya shook her head. “She wouldn’t do that.”  
“Oh bullshit!” Raven snapped.  
“I’m telling you, she wouldn’t.” Anya said firmly, clearly getting aggravated. “She wasn’t even planning on having a repast until my father asked her to last night. I know – I was there. When he finally got her to agree, she told him to handle all of the details. She didn’t even know where we were going until we got here!”  
“Repast?” Abby asked quickly.  
“Don’t any of you watch the news?” Anya couldn’t help the eye roll that followed, but then she sighed. “It’s for her parents. They were killed last week in an accident, out on the West Coast,” she explained. “That’s why she’s here.”  
Abby shot Raven a typical mom look.  
“Well, how was I supposed to know?” Raven said as she crossed her arms in a huff.  
Anya shook her head and took out her phone. “I’m sorry, I have to go,” she said turning on her heel.  
“Of course you do.” Raven shook her head.  
“You know, as awful as things might appear, Clarke’s heart wasn’t the only one that broke that night.” Anya swallowed hard, she had had quite enough of everyone crucifying her cousin. Her eyes dropped to Raven’s hand, which was still bleeding freely. “You should have that looked at,” she added, then turned and marched off.


	2. Chapter 2

Clarke was crumpled to the floor in a small room of the opposite side of the restaurant. “What the hell is she doing here?” She sobbed into Octavia’s neck. 

Seeing Lexa again had opened a floodgate and now Clarke’s emotions we’re just spilling out freely, her body just shaking uncontrollably and her lungs burned with every breath. Pain, anger and heartbreak were coursing through her, however and quite unexpectedly, so was a sense of longing. The weight of the waves pouring over her were just too much, she was drowning in them.

“What exactly was that?” Wells asked loudly as he entered the room, clearly embarrassed.  
“That, would be Lexa.” Lincoln answered sternly, then realizing that Wells might not know about Clarke and Lexa’s history, he elaborated cautiously. “Um, all of us were very close in college, but then there was a, er…falling out.”  
“I can’t do this, O. Last time...” Clarke sobbed quietly. “I barely got…”  
Bellamy knelt down beside her and rubbed her back. “Easy,” he said softly, “just breathe.”  
“Well, this is certainly not how I foresaw our night going.” Wells said with an annoyingly arrogant tone as he crossed his arms.  
“And you think that any of us did?” Octavia’s eyes snapped up, burning with fury. “None of us have heard from Lexa since college, and in case you can’t tell from your hysterical fiancé here, it didn’t end well! So, how about you just back off and give us some space?”  
Wells dropped his arms to his side as his eyes shifted among the group. He looked completely insulted, but submitted with a scoff and quietly left the room.

A few minutes passed before Abby and Raven entered the room and Abby immediately scooped up Clarke. 

“Mom…” Clarke cried as she wrapped her arms around her mother’s neck. “I can’t…”  
“Shhh.” Abby whispered as she patted her back for several minutes.

This wasn’t right and it wasn’t fair. Lexa said that she wasn’t coming back. Why the hell was she here? And why did it have to be tonight? Of all nights!

“What the hell happened to your hand?” Octavia’s voice broke the silence.

Pulling her head up from her mother’s shoulder, Clarke let her eyes follow the path of Octavia’s gaze until the landed on Raven’s hand, which was wrapped in what appeared to be a napkin, a napkin that was already heavily stained with red.  
“Oh… Um…it might have gotten a little up close and personal,” Raven said shyly under Abby’s gaze, “with Lexa’s face.”  
“Raven!” Clarke exclaimed loudly, but Octavia smirked approvingly.  
“I already heard it!” Raven said throwing up her hands and looking at Abby. “But, at least I didn’t call her Alexandria,” she added under her breath, earning her a hard side glare from Abby.

Clarke knew that she would be lying if she said that she didn’t appreciated what Raven had done, because the truth was, on some level, she absolutely did appreciated it.

“She has no right to just show up here!” Clarke finally spat as she stepped away from her mother and walked over to a mirror, attempting to compose herself. “I’ll be damned if I let her …” she paused and shook her head.  
“Clarke,” Abby said as she walked up behind her. “Listen to me, this isn’t about you. She didn’t come here to hurt you.”  
“You don’t know that.” Clarke said shaking her head stubbornly. 

It was true. How could she possibly know that? Like Octavia just said, no one had heard from Lexa since college.

“Actually, I do know it.” Abby stated firmly, before pausing and clearing her throat. “You see, that um…dinner party across the hall,” she jerked her head to the right.   
Clarke glanced out the door and into the room across the hall. All that she could see were the backs of several people in what appeared to be dark suits. She nodded.  
“Sweetheart, it’s a repast dinner," Abby explained softly, "for Lexa’s parents.”  
Clarke’s jaw slacked a bit as a sudden twinge of emotion went off in her chest. 

While Lexa’s parents were completely awful and she absolutely hated them, they were still exactly that – Lexa’s parents.

“It really is just a, fucked up fluke.” Raven added, her tone holding a bit of awe. When everyone looked at her, she defended with a very Raven like chuckle. “What? Come on, admit it. On the grand scale of things, this is pretty fucked up.” 

Everyone chuckled a little bit at that, even Clarke, she couldn’t help it. None of them could deny that yes, on the grand scale of things this was indeed, pretty fucked up.

“So, what now?” Bellamy finally asked.  
“Nothing.” Clarke shrugged as she picked up her purse. “I’m going to take my ass into the ladies room and try to make myself look halfway presentable. I have a party to get back to.”

Everyone nodded in agreement and the crowd dispersed. As Clarke made her way towards the ladies room though, she couldn’t help but glance into the room where the repast was, but she did see Lexa, or Anya for that matter. 

“She’s not there.” Raven said in her ear and she turned. “They left.”   
“Good.” Clarke shrugged unconvincingly. “One less thing to worry about.”

A few minutes later Clarke and Raven rejoined the party. As soon as Clarke’s eyes fell on the scene she looked at Raven with almost pleading eyes. “All hands on deck, right?” She questioned nervously while her blue eyes appeared both hopeful and saddened.  
“For you? Of course,” Raven nodded affectionately and nudged her. “Come on. I’ll get you a drink.”  
Clarke nodded, trying to reassure herself. She took a deep breath.  
“All better then?” Wells asked as he appeared at her side.  
“I’m fine.” Clarke smiled as she wrapped her arms loosely around his waist.  
“Good.” He nodded and placed a quick kiss on her forehead.

The rest of the party went off without a hitch. Clarke moved through the night chatting and drinking with her friends, family and soon to be new family. Everyone was doing their best to keep her mind off what had happened in the bar earlier, but no one could really keep her mind of the fact that Lexa was now back and possibly for good. 

“So, what was all of that about earlier?” Wells questioned as they entered their apartment sometime later.  
“It was nothing.” Clarke insisted as she slipped off her heels and tossed her purse onto the couch. She walked into the kitchen and poured herself a drink.  
“Will you really not tell me?” Wells asked from the doorway. “I know that you were upset.”  
Clarke sighed and took a sip of her drink. The last thing in the world that she wanted to do right now was discuss her former lover with her fiancé. “I just really don’t want to talk about it.”  
Wells nodded as he pulled off his tie. “I take it you won’t be coming to bed then?” He motioned to her drink.  
As Clarke looked up at him, a sadness building in her heart. “I’m sorry,” she sighed. “I’ll be in after a while.”  
“Right.” He said unbuttoning his shirt. “No problem.” he kissed her cheek and then retired for the night.

An hour later, Clarke sat in her dark kitchen with a stiff drink in one hand and a picture of her and Lexa in the other. Her mind was floating dangerously on memories of the woman that she had long since come to believe she would never meet again. She remembered the night they had met and though she had been insanely drunk, it was a memory that still burned vividly in her mind. They were three weeks into another college year when an impromptu party crossed her and Lexa’s paths and at the time she had no idea how much that night would change her.

********************************************************************************************************************************************* 

“Holy shit, there are a lot of people here!” Clarke yelled over the loud, obnoxious music that filled the house.  
“A lot of yummy people,” Raven grinned back. “It’s like an eye candy buffet!”  
“You’re drooling, Raven!” Clarke laughed and shook her head.  
Raven laughed and jokingly wiped her chin. “Come on, let’s get a drink.”

One hour or more, and several drinks later Clarke and Raven were dancing together in the living room when Clarke stumbled forward, causing her to spill her drink on a girl that was walking by. “Shit,” she giggled foolishly. “Sorry.”

The girl looked down at her shirt with a set jaw and gave the shortest of nods. Handing her drink to the boy that was with her, she began to undo the buttons on her shirt. Clarke watched her, strangely unable to look away. The girl was lean and fit with sun kissed skin and wavy brown hair. As she peeled the shirt off her shoulders, leaving her in only a dark tank, her eyes met Clarke’s, but only for a moment. They were piercing and green, so green and almost, familiar. Clarke blinked just as the girl crumpled the shirt, took her drink back and walked away without a word.

“Making new friends already?” Octavia’s voice interrupted. “Oh, but I wouldn’t mind making friends with him,” she added as she eyed the boy that was now walking away with the brunette.   
“O! There you are!” Clarke laughed, the thoughts of the previous moment disappeared from her mind as she wrapped her arms around Octavia’s neck. “You’re late.”  
“Octavia!” Raven laughed and wrapped her arms around the hugging friends.  
“Alright bitches,” Octavia smirked, “let’s get our drink on.”

A few hours later, Clarke was sitting on the steps with her feet propped on the railing and her eyes closed, just getting lost in the music floating up from the room below. It had been some time since she had given up on trying to find Octavia and Raven. For all she knew they were long gone at this point. Feeling a light thumping against her backside, Clarke opened her eyes and looked around. There on the lower portion of the steps her eyes again found that stunning pair of green eyes. It was the brunette from earlier, frozen in place because Clarke was blocking her path.

“Are you alright?” The girl asked with a look that almost read as annoyance.  
“Yep,” Clarke replied, emphasizing the P. “I couldn’t find my friends.”  
“Do you need some help?” She questioned her again.  
“Eh. They’re probably passed out somewhere,” Clarke shook her head lightly. “I’m just going to go.”  
“Do you need a cab?” She asked.  
“Nah, it’s not that far.” Clarke grabbed onto the railing and pulled herself up. Looking down, the steps seemed to swirl a little, but she just grinned. “I got this,” she assured her and stepped forward. 

However that step had been seriously miscalculated and a second later, Clarke felt her body falling forward and as the ground rushed up to meet her, she braced herself for what she was sure would be a very painful impact, but it never came. Instead she found herself engulfed in a mass of wavy, chestnut colored softness as two strong arms caught her around her center. 

“You’re alright.” The brunette told her.  
“I’m drunk. So drunk,” Clarke breathed as she rested her forehead on the girls shoulder, “God, so drunk.”  
The brunette shook her head, but her eyes showed more humor than annoyance. “Come on,” she said as together they made their way down the steps.  
“Where’re we going to go?” Clarke questioned senselessly.  
“I’m going to walk you home.” The girl told her.  
"Really?" Clarke’s blue eyes widened and sparkled as her mouth lifted into a goofy smile. “You’re so sweet.”  
“You really are drunk.” The brunette smirked ever so lightly.  
“Yep,” Clarke agreed with a nod.  
“So, where’s home?” She questioned her.  
“Kent.” Clarke answered.  
“Ok, come on,” The brunette said as she led her out through the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water along the way, while Clarke gripped her bicep and leaned on her for support. 

The night air was cool and refreshing as they slowly made their way down the sidewalk, Clarke with her eyes mostly closed and her feet dragging slightly.

“Here, drink some water.” The brunette’s voice broke into her hazy thoughts.  
“Water is good. I like water.” Clarke said tipping some into her mouth and gagging on it immediately. “Oh, that’s cold. No. I don’t like that,” she said returning the bottle with a little too much force. It collided with the girls toned stomach, sending water shooting up and out, and again, onto the girl’s shirt, causing her to gasp in shock.  
Instantly Clarke’s eyes went wide as she clapped her hands over her mouth trying, and failing to stifle a laugh.  
“That’s the second time you’ve spilled a drink on me in less than four hours,” the girl glared at her lightly.  
Slowly Clarke lowered her hands from her mouth, but her eyes were still dancing with laughter.  
The brunette tilted her head ever so slightly as a sly grin appeared on her face and suddenly she jerked the bottle upward, sending icy water splashing onto Clarke’s neck and chin and the front of her shirt.   
“Hey!” Clarke shrieked in shock. “That’s just mean!”  
The girl’s eyes narrowed as her mouth twitched. “Are you implying that you didn’t deserve it?”  
Clarke pursed her lips and furrowed her brow. “No.”  
The brunette nodded. “I thought not.”

They stumbled along for another fifteen minutes before their destination came into view. “There! There! That’s me. Oh…” Clarke said excitedly as she pointed at a large brown building. “Who are you, anyway?” Clarke suddenly asked.  
“I’m Lexa,” the girl answered.  
“Oh, Lexa. Hello Lexa.” Clarke said as they stumbled towards the door. “I’m Clarke.”  
“Well Clarke, I think it’s safe to say that you’re going to be in pretty rough shape tomorrow.” Lexa nodded as she caught her from stumbling yet again.  
“You’ll take care of me.” Clarke answered matter-of-factly.  
Lexa chuckled lightly and shook her head. “You won’t even remember me.”

Clarke leaned into Lexa’s side again and then in a quick motion, slipped her hand and into Lexa’s back pocket and snatched her phone away.

“Clarke,” Lexa said sternly as she took a step forward. “Give me my phone.”  
“Relax. It’s fine.” Clarke assured her, taking a step back as she tried, and failed, to open Lexa’s phone. She frowned and looked up. “Passcode, please?”  
“Why in the world would I give you my passcode?” Lexa asked, her eyes narrowing in annoyance.  
“Because, in case you can’t tell, I’m pretty wasted.” Clarke said as she pointed to herself.  
“Yes, I’d say that’s quite obvious.” Lexa nodded.  
Clarke grinned stupidly. “Well, I want to text myself. So that tomorrow, I’ll be sure to remember you,” she explained. “Now, can I have your passcode, please?”  
Lexa stared at her for a moment before releasing the tiniest of sighs. “4673,” she finally answered.  
“Your passcode, Lexa.” Clarke shook her head with a giggle. “Not mine.”  
“That is my passcode.” Lexa insisted as she stuffed her hands into her pockets.  
Clarke’s eyes snapped up and met Lexa’s, again there was that odd familiarity in them. “Hope,” she barely whispered.  
Lexa’s eyes showed slight surprise as she shifted uncomfortably and finally nodded. “Everybody needs a little.”  
“Yes, they do.” Clarke agreed with a warm smile as she unlocked Lexa’s phone, fired off a quick text and handed it back to her.

They made their way up the walk and as they approached the door, Lexa glanced at her. “Where are your keys, Clarke?”   
“Somewhere.” Clarke answered before looking around foolishly.   
Lexa took a deep breath and waited as she began to hunt through her pockets. “Oh! I got it.” Clarke finally said, trying to appear in complete control as she attempted to force the key into the lock, but it didn’t fit. Why didn’t it fit?  
Lexa shook her head as she took the key from her and turned it right side up. It slipped it into the lock with ease and Lexa smirked. “Come on,” she said pulling Clarke through the door. 

The apartment was dark and cluttered as they stumbled their way through trying not to wake the sleeping brunette on the couch.  
“There.” Clarke whispered, pointing at a door.

The next thing Clarke knew her eyes were opening to the blinding light of the sun and a nauseating, pounding in her head. “Oh god…” she said rolling over and closing her eyes. A flash of green crossed her memory and she remembered.

Quickly she rolled back over, pulled out her phone and sent a series of texts.

Clarke: I need you.  
Clarke: Oh god. I think I’m dying.   
Clarke: It hurts.  
Lexa: You’re dehydrated, not dying. Drink some water. You’ll be fine.  
Clarke: Can’t. Too far. Goodbye cruel world!  
Lexa: Look on your nightstand.

Clarke looked up and saw two bottles of water and a bottle of aspirin. She smiled. 

Clarke: My savior!  
Lexa: Drink the water. You’ll feel better.   
Clarke: Don’t suppose you also hid some food in here somewhere?  
Lexa: I didn’t, but if you’d like, I could bring you some.  
Clarke: That would be amazing.  
Lexa: Okay. I’ll drop some off.

Thirty minutes later, Lexa was at her door with pancakes, eggs, bacon and coffee. “Coffee?” Clarke smiled, her tried blue eyes suddenly sparkling. “A true savior, indeed.”  
“Enjoy.” Lexa told her, motioning to the food.   
She looked different in the sober light. No less stunning, but still, different. “Why did you bring so much?” Clarke asked as she glanced down at all of the containers.  
Lexa pointed over her shoulder. “I knew that you weren’t alone and I assumed that your friends would most likely be in the same shape as you.”  
“You’re awesome, you know that?” Clarke said as stuffed some eggs in her mouth and pushed out the chair next to her. “I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Now, come eat with me.”  
The corner of Lexa’s mouth twitched slightly as nodded and she took a seat. 

A few minutes later, a thumping sound reverberated through the apartment. 

“Ugh! O! Get off me!” A voice came from the living room. “Go make coffee.”  
“No.” Another voice mumbled. “I hurt.”  
Soon after, the two girls stumbled into the kitchen. “Who the hell are you?” The taller girl demanded and then braced herself against the doorframe and grabbed her forehead. “Ugh. No. My head.”  
“Too loud.” The shorter girl whispered.  
“This is Lexa,” Clarke answered happily. “Lexa is awesome.”  
“And exactly what makes Lexa so awesome?” The taller girl asked, still holding her forehead.  
“Lexa brought breakfast.” Clarke said with a smile, but didn’t look up.  
Both girls instantly perked up. “Lexa is awesome!” They agreed in unison and sat down.

********************************************************************************************************************************************* 

Several days had passed since Clarke’s encounter with Lexa and still, she was all that Clarke could think about. Her brain was being flooded with memories, flooded with things that Clarke thought had been long forgotten or buried. Things that she didn’t really want to remember, but she just couldn’t help herself. They just found their way into her consciousness and into her dreams. It wasn’t only the old memories that ate at her, but the new ones as well. The way she had behaved. She had spit in her face. Spit. In Lexa’s face. How was it even possible that she could behave in such a way? No matter what had happened between them – that was just unacceptable behavior.

“Hey.” Raven said over her menu. “Where the fuck are you?”  
“I’m right here.” Clarke replied as she pretended to look at her menu.  
“No, you’re not. “ Octavia said shaking her head.   
Clarke sighed. “I spit in her face.”  
“It was amazing.” Raven grinned proudly, her eyes showing nothing but admiration.   
“No.” Clarke shook her head. “There was nothing amazing about that. I mean, who acts like that?” No one should act like that.  
“My badass buddy?” Raven offered playfully.  
Clarke shook her head and rubbed her eyes. “I think I’m just going to go. I don’t feel so well.” She felt weak and suddenly nauseous.  
“Want us to come with?” Octavia questioned, clearly concerned as she moved to stand up.  
“No, no.” Clarke shook her head. “I think I’m just going to go home a lie down.”  
“We should come with you.” Raven said standing up.  
“Guys, please, I’m fine.” Clarke assured them quickly. Though she knew she wasn’t even remotely close to fine, her voice was incredibly steady. “Really.”   
“Okay.” Octavia said and kissed her cheek. “Text us later.”  
“I will.” Clarke said as she squeezed Raven’s shoulder and walked away.

As Clarke walked back to her apartment, her mind again filled with thoughts of Lexa and how easily their friendship had formed. It had literally taken hardly any effort at all. They quickly found themselves exchanging texts, grabbing coffee and even studying together. Though the two of them were so insanely different, they somehow found themselves being oddly comfortable around one another. It was just so damn easy. Shortly after they met, Clarke had invited her to a party and Lexa agreed, also bringing along Anya and Lincoln. The three of them had all molded so seamlessly into the group that it almost seemed like they’d always been a part it.

Clarke shook her head as she crossed the street and turned up another block. Suddenly remembering the day that she found out just how different her and Lexa’s worlds actually were.

********************************************************************************************************************************************* 

They were studying on the couch when a sudden realization had dawned on Clarke. “Why don’t we ever go to your place?” She questioned curiously.  
“I don’t know.” Lexa mumbled without looking up, clearly she was trying to concentrate on her paper. “We can, if you want. It’s over on Bristol.” 

Clarke’s mouth hung open a bit at this information. Bristol Boulevard was a high end part of the city – like, extremely high end. There was no way Lexa lived there. She just couldn’t. 

“Bullshit,” she finally breathed with a grin.  
“Sorry?” Lexa eyes snapped up, looking at her with utter confusion.  
“You, live on Bristol Boulevard?” Clarke scoffed.  
Lexa nodded simply.   
“You’re so full of shit.” Clarke chuckled. There was no way.  
“I can show you.” Lexa offered as she sat up straighter and pointed to the door.  
Clarke only nodded. 

A little while later they were walking through the front doors of an expensive looking building on Bristol Boulevard. 

“Good Evening, Ms. Woods.” The man behind the desk said as he stood up.   
Clarke just stared at him. He was insanely tall and slightly intimidating.  
Lexa gave the man a nod and pushed the call button for the elevator. When the doors opened she stepped inside and motioned to Clarke. “Are you coming?”  
Clarke nodded stupidly and stepped into the elevator. As the doors closed, Clarke found her voice. “You’re rich?”  
“My parents are rich.” Lexa corrected her with a pointed expression.

When they entered Lexa’s apartment and Clarke’s jaw just hit the floor. The rooms were very large with long, crystal clear windows, excessively high ceilings and dark hardwood flooring. No one in their right mind would have believed that it was the apartment of a college kid. It was so clean, too clean and just lacking, life. It felt wrong, like it had been cut from a catalog and put together just for show. 

She glanced around the living room and saw two black sofas and a glass coffee table. A book lay over the arm of one of the sofas. Clarke guessed it was whatever Lexa was currently into. Off of the living room was another large room and n the middle was a very expensive looking piano. Finally, a sign of life.

“You play?” She asked, motioning to the piano.  
“I do.” Lexa nodded. “Piano, violin and guitar.”  
“Wow.” Clarke said shaking her head in awe, but she still couldn’t help feeling so completely confused. “I don’t understand. Why didn’t you tell me?”  
“I didn’t think it was relevant.” Lexa answered simply.  
“Not relevant?” Clarke asked with a slight chuckle.  
“It’s just where I live.” Lexa shrugged lightly. “My parents bought it for me. They didn’t want me in a dorm.”  
“Why?” Clarke questioned as her brow furrowed. “What’s wrong with the dorms?”  
"They just didn’t feel that I belonged there.” Lexa sat down at the piano and absentmindedly started to play.   
“I feel like I’m missing something here.” Clarke said as she leaned against the side of the piano.  
Lexa sighed. “Listen, my parents never really wanted a kid,” she started to explain. “So, when I was little I had a caretaker, until I was old enough for boarding school and then after boarding school, I moved in here.”  
“They didn't want you?” Clarke’s heart broke for her. "But then, why even bother?" Though she was so completely surprised the Lexa had just willingly offered this information, she couldn’t deny that she wanted to know more.  
“I was just a publicity stunt. Not something they really wanted to put any real effort into.” Lexa answered as though it should have been obvious. “Perhaps if I had been a boy it might have gone differently, but alas.”  
“That’s awful.” Clarke whispered sadly, feeling her heart breaking even further.  
“It’s fine.” Lexa assured her as she continued to play. “Believe me, my parents might be absent most of the time, but they’re also extremely present. They’re exceptionally powerful, strict and emotionally void, but they pay for my schooling and make sure that I have everything that I need and then some.”  
“But, do they love you?” The words escaped Clarke’s mouth before she could stop herself.  
Lexa stopped playing and turned to face her. “They’re my parents,” she shrugged. “I’m sure they must, in their own way.”  
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” Clarke said softly. “That was a really beautiful song, by the way.”  
“Thank you.” Lexa smiled appreciatively.   
“Do you see them often?” Clarke questioned her again, as she too sat down on the bench.  
“Often enough,” Lexa replied. “I go home whenever they call and tell me to, and I’ve spent every summer interning with my father since I was sixteen. Not the most enjoyable experience, but I get through it,” she started to play again.  
“Is home far?” Clarke asked curiously as she watched Lexa’s fingers dancing across the keys.  
“About four hours.” Lexa nodded. “Listen Clarke, my parents and I, we just don’t have that kind of relationship or any, really – we never have,” she paused for a second and turned slightly. “If anything, I’d say what we have is actually more like a business relationship than anything else and I know how that sounds, but trust me, it’s fine.” 

********************************************************************************************************************************************* 

But, it wasn’t fine. 

Clarke walked into her apartment and tossed her keys on the table before dropping down into a chair and shaking her head.

It was never fine. Not really.


	3. Chapter 3

Lexa was sitting on a park bench, just trying to clear her head. In the few days that had passed since her parent’s funeral her plate had been insanely full and her mind, even more so. Being back here was hard enough, but running into Clarke and finding out that she was engaged of all things, well, that was just cruel and unusual punishment.

She hadn’t been surprised at Clarke’s reaction to seeing her, not even a little bit. If there was one thing that Lexa was sure about, it was the pain that she had caused Clarke when she just up and left her so suddenly. She had seen it in her eyes that night, she had watched Clarke's soul shatter and had done absolutely nothing to stop it. If anything, she encouraged it. She had to, it was the only way.

Part of her was glad. Glad, that Clarke had been able to move on and glad that she had found someone that she wanted to spend her life with. The rest of her however, was undeniably devastated at the news. It broke her heart to think of Clarke feeling that way for anyone other than her. After all, it was supposed to be them. They had already talked about it and everyone even agreed. They were the ones that were supposed to spend their lives together and move through this world together. It was supposed to be them, always them, until it wasn’t.

A group of teenage girls sat down on the bench across from Lexa and though she could barely hear most of what they were saying, she heard enough to know that it was a typical teenage conversation, mostly about gossip, boys and what was going on that weekend. Lexa smirked at the innocence of it all before another memory stirred in her mind. It was the memory the night that a stupid kids game showed her a little more about the people she had been spending time with, and a little more about Clarke.

************************************************************************************************************************************************** 

Lexa and Clarke were leaning against the counter in the kitchen, talking about nonsense when Monty poked his head in. “You two playing?”  
Clarke glanced up. “Playing what?”  
Monty smiled playfully. “Never have I ever,” he answered.  
“Isn’t that a little juvenile?” Lexa asked as her brow furrowed slightly.  
“Maybe,” Raven answered as she appeared at Monty’s side, “but just because we’re adults doesn’t mean that we can’t act little juvenile from time to time.”  
“You always act juvenile” Clarke reminded her with a laugh.  
“Fair enough.” Raven conceded quickly.  
“Look, being that we’ve expanded a bit,” Monty motioned to Lexa, “we just figured this would be the quickest and easiest way for everyone to learn a little more.”  
Lexa shook her head. No. It was ridiculous.  
Clarke also shook her head, but then smiled. “We’ll be in.”  
“We will?” Lexa questioned, giving the blonde a funny look. She was already starting to feel her first couple of drinks and didn’t know how good of an idea this actually was.  
“You’re not afraid, are you?” Clarke smiled mischievously and wiggled her eyebrows. “Think I’ll find out some dirt on you, Ms. Woods?”  
Lexa narrowed her eyes as her lips pursed. “Alright. Let’s play.” Challenge accepted.

Clarke laughed and dragged Lexa into the living room, where she sat down next to Finn and Lexa crossed over and sat next to Anya and Lincoln.

“Ok so, for anyone who doesn’t know, the rules are very simple,” Raven said getting to her feet. “One person makes a statement, if you’ve done what they haven’t, you drink.”  
“This should be interesting,” Anya said, cocking her eyebrow as she leaned against the doorway. “Who’s starting?”  
“I will,” Monty said and cleared his throat. “Never have I ever, gone streaking.”

Finn, Anya, Raven and Jasper all drank. No surprises there.

“Never have I ever, woken up with someone whose name I couldn’t remember.” Bellamy said.

Anya, Raven, Jasper and Finn drank. Again, not so surprising.

Octavia was up next. “Never have I ever, peed in a bottle.”

All of the guys drank. Ha, well played.

“You totally planned that.” Bellamy accused her with a good-natured glare as all of the women laughed.  
“Yep,” Octavia grinned back at him. “I totally did.”  
Lincoln cleared his throat. “Okay, never have I ever, told someone I loved them, when I didn’t.”

Finn drank. Yep, totally not surprising.

Finn cleared his throat, clearly feeling everyone’s eyes on him. His turn now. “Never have I ever, had sex with someone of my own gender,” he eyed Lexa with a smirk, knowing that she would have to drink.

Lexa, Anya, Raven, Monty, Octavia and Clarke drank. Whoa, wait – what? Totally surprising. Clarke?

“I don’t even want to know.” Bellamy groaned as he glanced at Octavia and then covered his face with a pillow.  
“No.” Octavia told him with a sly smile. “No, you don’t.”  
“Ha, he would have had me if he hadn’t specified sex,” Lincoln laughed quietly to Lexa.  
Lexa nodded, remembering the day that Lincoln’s roommate had kissed him. Though Lincoln was far from gay, he took it in stride and let the guy down easy.  
Finn was staring at Clarke. “Really?” He said as a smile crossed his face. “Now that, is interesting.”  
“Ugh,” Clarke rolled her eyes and nudged him. “Don’t even think about it.”  
Suddenly remembering the first group chat that she’d had been involved in, Lexa grinned slightly and looked at Clarke. “But, you don’t look bi,” she quipped playfully, causing those who had been in on the conversation to erupt in laughter.  
Clarke grinned painfully as her cheeks flushed a vibrant shade of pink. She raised her glass to Lexa. “Touché.”

Lexa’s turn. “Never have I ever, been arrested,” she said, hoping to break the current trend of nakedness, sex and love.

Everyone drank. Holy shit.

Lexa’s mouth gaped a little as she glanced around at the group.  
“Don’t look so worried.” Octavia told her with a wave of her hand. “It’s all just dumb stuff. At least, as far as I’m aware,” she added with a glance towards Lincoln and Anya.

Everyone nodded, but Lexa was still baffled. Seriously, everyone she was in the room with had, at one time or another, been arrested?

“Anything worth doing, is worth doing right.” Raven said, popping her eyebrows as she raised her glass and tapped it to Anya’s.  
Anya nodded in agreement. “That’s Lexa though,” she said, “too good for her own good.”  
“Shut it." Lexa glared at her.  
“You should really try to lighten up a little.” Octavia suddenly told her. “It really is all in good fun.”  
“Yeah,” Clarke agreed quickly, “and a little fun might actually look good on you,” she jokingly teased.  
“Are you fun?” Lexa countered playfully, again causing the room to erupt in laughter and Anya and Raven to applaud.  
“Well played, Commander.” Raven laughed with a nod. “Well played.”  
Lexa nodded lightly as the corner of her mouth twitched. She looked apologetically up at Clarke, who was blushing fiercely, but staring right back at her. She hadn’t meant to say it – it just came out.  
“Hey, hey, now.” Finn said as he noticed the look between the two. “None of that,” he put his arm around Clarke.  
“Oh, knock it off.” Bellamy sighed loudly as he tossed a pillow at Finn, hitting him in the face.  
“But she’s…” Finn pointed at Lexa, “…and now I find out that she has…” he stuttered.  
“Don’t be a jerk.” Octavia warned him.  
”It’s all in good fun.” Clarke repeated as she tapped his chest. “Anyway, who’s next?”

************************************************************************************************************************************************** 

Lexa tried to shake the thoughts from her head as she stood up from the bench. She didn’t want to think about that, she didn’t want to remember that night. While in truth, it had all been in good fun, it had also changed things. After that night, Finn became ridiculously possessive of Clarke. Though originally he had joked about her bisexuality, it quickly became obvious that he was absolutely threatened by it. Initially, Lexa thought that it was all because of what she said, but as time slowly slipped by it became very clear that there was more to it. 

Everyone in Clarke’s circle of friends seemed extremely open minded and accepting, so the knowledge that Clarke, Raven, Monty and Octavia had all slept with members of the same sex really shouldn’t have been a big deal, hell, it was probably common knowledge among them, but then Lexa remembered something that Raven had said her. Finn wasn’t really a part of their group and he didn’t really spend a lot of time with them. Little by little things started to make sense and it didn’t take long for everything to come to a head, in the worst way possible.

************************************************************************************************************************************************** 

It had been a several weeks since all of them had hung out as a group. Everyone seemed to be too busy doing their own things, but then Octavia sent out a text saying that they should come by for a pizza night and everyone agreed. Though Finn had not been a part of the text, he ended up being there anyway, Lexa assumed, at Clarke invitation. Early on everything seemed fine, but as the night wore on the tension seemed to get heavier and heavier. 

As Lexa leaned in the dining room doorway, she could see Finn and Clarke in the kitchen having what appeared to be a rough conversation. Though Lexa could hear a word of it, she knew it wasn’t good. Finn looked extremely annoyed, while Clarke wore a look of utter confusion. Suddenly Monty appeared in the picture and as his hand came down on Finn’s shoulder, everything changed.

“Keep your fucking hands off me.” Finn snapped as he pushed hard against Monty’s chest. “You fucking pillow-bitter.”  
Lexa’s eyes went wide as she watched Monty stumble backward and fall to the ground.  
“Finn!” Clarke yelled as she moved to where Lexa could no longer see her, but she assumed it was Monty’s side. “What the hell is wrong with you?”  
“What’s wrong with me?” Finn echoed. “Oh, I don’t know. My girlfriend would rather spend her time with a bunch of…”  
“A bunch of what?” Anya’s voice suddenly cut him off and from where she was standing Lexa could see the ice in her eyes and started moving toward them.  
“Mind your own business,” Finn spat at her as he reached for Clarke.  
“Get off me,” Clarke shook out of his grip and moved passed him. “Just go, Finn.”  
“Clarke,” Finn turned and took an aggressive step forward.  
“You need to leave now.” Bellamy’s voice suddenly joined the conversation.  
“Fuck off, Bell.” Finn said over his shoulder with barely a glance at Bellamy. “Clarke, come on.”  
“I said leave,” Bellamy repeated as he stepped in Finn’s path and pushed him back slightly. “Now.”

Lexa saw what was going to happen before it even happened and though she moved fast, it wasn’t fast enough. Finn brought his fist back and launched it forward with all his might. Instinctively Bellamy ducked and that left it only one place for it land – Clarke's face. The force sent her flying back several feet until her back hit the table and she crashed to the floor. 

Instantly, Lexa was on her knees at her side, cupping her face and trying to gauge the damage, but the fire in her stomach was too great. “What the hell is wrong with you?” She growled, turning her attention to Finn.  
Finn’s wide eyes instantly hardened. “It was an accident,” he defended himself quickly. “She knows I’d never hit her on purpose.”  
Lexa got to her feet, all she could see was red. “It never would have happened, if you weren’t such a bigoted ass!”  
“Yeah, whatever you say.” Finn shook his head and stepped toward them. “Now, just back off so that I can talk to my girlfriend.”  
Lexa shook her head, she couldn’t help it. 

Though she hadn’t been friends with any of them for very long, Lexa had already grown to care from them and from everything that she had seen, Finn was nothing like them. He had no place there. It wasn’t her decision to make, but she was making it. Finn had shown his true colors and now, he needed to leave. For a moment the two just stared at each other, both seething.

“I’m not your girlfriend,” Clarke’s small voice broke the silence. “Not anymore.”  
“Clarke,” Finn tried, his voice actually softening quite a bit.  
“Just get out,” Clarke got to her feet, her hand still holding the side of her face.  
“Clarke,” Finn tried again, this time with more force.  
“Are you deaf or just dumb?” Bellamy was clearly getting pissed. “Get the fuck out!”

Again Finn foolishly made a move for Bellamy, but this time Lincoln snagged him by the collar of his shirt and he relented in a huff, knowing there was no way he stood a chance. Lincoln and Bellamy led him to the door, but not before calling out to Clarke again and telling her that he’d text her.

After he was gone, Lexa quickly got Clarke and icepack and some aspirin. Judging by the bruise that was already forming, there was no doubt that she’d be hurting later.

“I’m sorry,” Lexa said as she placed the icepack against Clarke’s cheek. “I saw it coming, I just – wasn’t fast enough.”  
“It’s not your fault.” Clarke assured her. “He’s the asshole.”  
Lexa only nodded.  
“I didn’t know he was like that,” Clarke finally whispered as she glanced regretfully toward Monty.  
“No one did,” Lexa shrugged. In truth, it had crossed her mind. 

Clarke’s phone began to buzz on the table.

Finn: This isn’t over.

Lexa watched Clarke’s face as she read the message. Something in her eyes left an uncomfortable feeling in her stomach.

“Will you stay the night?” Clarke suddenly asked her.  
Lexa nodded. “If you want me to,” she answered.  
“I do.” Clarke dropped her head down onto Lexa shoulder. “God, this aspirin needs to kick in soon,” she groaned.

Clarke stayed pretty much glued to her side for the rest of the night and even slept somewhat attached to her, that was, until the sun poured through her bedroom window and she finally shifted a little.

“Hey…” Lexa said softly.  
“Morning…” Clarke yawned and pushed her blonde hair out of her face. “You breathe stinks.”  
“So does yours,” Lexa told her, “but, if you get off me, I can get up and brush my teeth.”  
“Ok,” Clarke said, but didn’t move. Instead she just snuggled further into her neck.  
“We can get breakfast afterwards.” Lexa suggested.  
Clarke rolled off of her.

Lexa got up and briskly pushed her fingers through her hair before getting up and going to the duffle bag that was sitting in the corner of the room – compliments of Anya. She pulled out some clothes and changed quickly, then grabbed her bathroom bag and left the room. 

She wasn't gone for more than a couple of minutes, but when she returned, Clarke was sitting on the edge of her bed, holding her head in her hands and swaying slightly.

“Are you okay?” Lexa asked from the doorway.  
Clarke looked up. “Finn," she answered, nodding towards her phone.  
Lexa stiffened, an instant fury appearing in her eyes, the vein in her forehead was beginning to bulge.  
“I don’t want to talk to him.” Clarke said dryly as she slipped into a pair of jeans.  
“You don’t have to.” Lexa reminded her as she grabbed her boots.  
Clarke looked at her and nodded. 

“You guys want to get some breakfast?" Octavia asked as she poked her head through the door. “Lincoln and Raven are still here too.”  
Lexa nodded firmly.  
“What are you doing here, O?” Clarke asked as she put on her sneakers. “Shouldn’t you be at practice?”  
“Cancelled.” Octavia answered simply. “So, food?”  
“Yeah sure,” Clarke said as she tied her shoelaces. “Give us a few.”  
“Okay, we’ll meet you out front,” Octavia told them, “but make it quick. You know how Raven gets when she’s hungry.”

Thirty minutes later, the five of them were at a diner around the corner, all squeezed into a small, circular booth and digging into their food.

“So what’s going on this weekend?” Clarke asked as she took a piece of bacon off of Lexa’s plate. “Something? Anything?”  
“You have your own bacon.” Lincoln laughed as he motioned to Clarke’s plate.  
“Hers is better.” Clarke replied innocently and the corner of Lexa’s mouth twitched.  
“You two are ridiculous.” Raven said shaking her head.

************************************************************************************************************************************************** 

“Ridiculous.” Lexa mumbled to herself as she neared the entrance of her building. 

She had to stop thinking about these things. Getting lost in all of these memories wasn't going to do her any good, if anything, they’d only make the pain worse. She had too much to do – too much to focus on now. It had to stop.

“Lexa!” A familiar voice called out her name.  
Lexa turned quickly. “Bellamy?” It was easy to tell by the look in his eye that this was not going to be a pleasant visit. Instantly her defenses went up. “What can I do for you?”  
“You can stay away from Clarke,” he answered quickly.  
Lexa sighed. Of course, the big brother riot act. “Bellamy, I had no idea that Clarke was going to be there.”  
“Yeah,” Bellamy nodded. “I already heard, but just – stay away from her. She doesn’t need the stress.”  
“None of us need the stress,” Lexa responded through her slightly clenched teeth. “I had no intention on seeing Clarke again and I still do not, so if that is all,” she turned to go inside.  
“Wait,” Bellamy grabbed her arm. Stupid move.  
Lexa turned quickly, ready to snap his fingers, but paused when she saw his eyes.  
“I’m sorry,” he said softly, “about your parents.”  
Lexa’s brow instantly furrowed. 

She had heard dozens of people say these words over the last couple of weeks, but it never meant a thing, the words were always hollow. Now here stood Bellamy and even with knowing how awful her parents had actually been and the belief that she was just another asshole, his eyes showed nothing but sincerity. He was genuinely sorry for her loss. 

A lump quickly developed in Lexa’s throat and all that she could do was nod before he turned and walked away. She stood there for a moment, just watching him go and feeling a greater sense of loss than she had only moments before. Deep down, Lexa knew that it wasn’t only the loss of Clarke than pained her so, it was the loss of all of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone confused yet?


	4. Chapter 4

It was just about midday and Clarke was grateful that her shift was coming to an end. She had been doing her best to keep herself busy, but her mind just kept on reeling and she just couldn’t find a way to shut it down. She had been remembering, more and more as each hour passed, things that she had forgotten, or rather, thought that she had forgotten. The most random memories just kept popping into her head and bringing with them a random rush of emotions that were becoming almost too much to withstand.

Dropping down onto the bench in front of her locker, Clarke shook her head trying to keep yet another one at bay.

**************************************************************************************************************************************************

Lexa looked down at her phone as it buzzed. “Let me out,” she said softly, nudging Clarke’s side.  
“Everything okay?” Clarke asked, easily taking in the look on her face.  
Lexa nodded and slid out of the booth. Swallowing hard she cleared her throat and put the phone to her ear. “Hello Mother.” Clarke heard her say as she walked away from the table. 

Several minutes passed and Lexa still hadn’t returned, looking out the window Clarke could see that she was still on the phone. Something was wrong. She looked tense as her jaw clenched and unclenched and her head shook every so often. 

Though Lexa had assured her time and time again that the relationship that she had with her parents was fine and that she could handle it, the truth was becoming clearer and clearer with every interaction that Clarke witnessed. Lexa’s relationship with her parents was anything, but fine. The power that they seemed to have over her was completely unhealthy and the effect they had on her, well, that was just devastating to witness. Clarke didn’t even really notice as her feet carried her across the diner and out the door. She stood on the steps listening.

“No. Mother, I would rather not. I really have no interest.” Lexa said pinching the bridge of her nose as she turned and saw Clarke. “Yes. Yes, I’ll be there. Goodbye.” She ended the call quickly and closed her eyes.  
“Are you okay?” Clarke asked as she slowly walked down the steps.  
“I have to go home. My parents are having a dinner party,” Lexa answered as she tucked her phone back into her pocket, “and there’s someone they want me to meet.” The vein in her forehead was showing and her body had gone completely stiff.  
Clarke knew exactly what this meant. Lexa had already told her that her parents had been trying to set her up for years. “It’ll be ok,” she tried to reassure her and put her hand on Lexa’s shoulder.  
“You know that it won’t,” Lexa sighed.  
“Maybe you could try telling them again?” Clarke suggested.  
“They don't listen.” Lexa shook her head. “Believe me, the last thing that they want to acknowledge is that their daughter is a…”  
“Raging lesbian?” Clarke offered playfully, trying to lighten Lexa’s new mood.  
Lexa’s green eyes widened. “I do not rage,” she insisted firmly.  
“Yeah, well, you should,” Clarke grinned sinfully and nudged her, “you’re hot.”  
“Stop it,” Lexa replied stiffly.  
“Come on, Lexa, when’s the last time you even went on a date?” Clarke asked waving her hand. “You need to get laid,” she told her pointedly.  
“I’m fine, thank you.” Lexa cupped her hands behind her back.  
“What’re we talking about?” Octavia asked as she jumped off of the steps and landed next to Clarke.  
“How Lexa needs to get laid,” Clarke answered with a smile as she pushed at Lexa’s shoulder.  
“Oh, you totally do.” Octavia nodded in agreement.  
“Definitely,” Raven added, descending from the landing, “and I can think of one fine lady who could help you out,” she said and wiggled her eyebrows as she nudged Clarke.  
“Oh, stop it,” Clarke playfully pushed her back.  
“Ok, well if Clarke won’t help you out,” Raven winked, “I know plenty of other fine ladies who would love the opportunity to go dow…”  
“Yeah, I’m going to pass on that.” Lexa put her hand up with a slight grin and everyone laughed. “I have to go pack. I’ll talk to you all later.”

As Lexa walked away, Clarke turned to Octavia. “What are we doing this weekend?”  
“Party at Jasper and Monty’s tomorrow.” Octavia answered as she stuffed her hands into her pockets.  
“Who’ll be there?” Clarke asked curiously.  
“You, me, Raven, Lincoln, Jasper, Monty, Anya, I think and Bellamy.” Octavia shrugged. “Obviously, I thought Lexa too, but now I’m guessing not.”  
Clarke’s phone buzzed in her pocket and pulling it out she saw the name Finn flash on the screen. “No Finn, right?” Clarke asked softly. 

Secretly she wished Lexa wasn’t going back to her parents, somehow, having her there just made her feel safer. 

“Not a fucking chance,” Raven said as she slung an arm over her shoulder. “That loser isn’t getting anywhere near you.”

Though it had been a couple of months since they’d broken up, Finn was still relentless in his attempts to talk to her. He called. He texted. He waited outside her classes, and even had an extremely worded exchange with Raven, who for good measure tipped a soda on to his head. 

Clarke really needed Saturday. She just needed some downtime with her friends, her people, and thankfully, it came quick.

“Hey, hey, my girls!” Jasper exclaimed as Clarke, Octavia and Raven arrived that night. “Bring anything good?”  
“Of course,” Raven replied confidently as she deposited a bottle of tequila onto the counter.  
“Nice!” Jasper smiled happily, rubbing his hands together.  
“As soon as everyone’s here we should order some pizzas and get a good game of cards going.” Monty suggested as he dumped a bunch of limes onto the counter. “Help me out, will you?” He said to Jasper.  
“I’ll help you.” Clarke offered pleasantly as she tied back her blonde locks and walked to the sink to wash her hands. 

Soon after, Lincoln came through the door, also carrying a bottle of tequila. 

“Great minds,” Raven nodded to him.  
Lincoln placed a quick kiss on Octavia’s cheek and looked at Clarke. “No Lexa?”  
“No,” Clarke answered and shook her head. “She had to go home.”  
“Home?” Lincoln’s eyes narrowed slightly as his brow furrowed. “As in, to her parents?”  
Clarke stared back at him and nodded. “I told her to text me if it gets too crazy.”

Clarke knew that given their history, Lincoln probably knew a lot more than she did about Lexa’s parents and though she’d never ask him to explain, the concern in his eyes only confirmed the thoughts that she already had. 

“Are her parents really that bad?” Monty asked curiously.  
“Yes,” Clarke and Octavia answered in unison and Clarke glanced at her, wondering if maybe Lincoln had shared some of his knowledge with her already.

“They’re that bad.” Lincoln stated plainly, but didn’t elaborate. 

A few hours later their little party was in full swing and their bellies were pleasantly stuffed of pizza and tequila. Clarke leaning against the table, watching Raven and Jasper arm wrestling when her phone started ringing on the counter. Glancing over she saw the name Lexa’s on the screen. 

“Hey you,” she laughed happily into the phone. “How’s dinner? We miss you.”  
A light sob drifted through the phone.  
The room around Clarke swirled, instantly spinning her sober. “Lexa?” Clarke’s alarmed voice echoed in the room causing everyone to turn and stare at her, their eyes showing both concern and curiosity. “Lexa?”  
“I can’t.....Clarke….” she choked. “I just can’t…breathe…” another light sob.  
“Okay, Lexa, okay. I'm right here.” Clarke said into the phone, surprised at how in control her voice sounded. Never had she thought that she would be so grateful for the panic attacks that she had endured throughout high school. "Just focus on my voice."  
Instantly Lincoln was at her side. “Get her to breathe,” he said firmly.  
“Listen to my voice, okay?” Clarke kept her voice calm and even. “I want you to try and count with me, okay? Come on, Lexa.”

This went on for several excruciating minutes before finally Lexa’s breathing evened out and her sobbing subsided. 

“Thank you,” Lexa whispered softly. “I’m sorry for bothering you. I have to get back now.”  
“It’s okay.” Clarke said into the phone. “Listen, I’m here if you need me,” she ended the call and looked desperately at Lincoln.  
“Panic attack,” he said knowingly.  
“Yes,” Clarke nodded. 

How the hell did he know that? Did this happen often? She had seen Lexa get pretty upset after talking to her parents, but never this upset.

“It so hard to picture Lexa like that,” Monty said softly, staring at his hands and shaking her head. “She’s always so…”  
“If you knew her parents,” Lincoln interjected firmly, “you would understand.”

Lincoln’s response only confirmed it. This was not uncommon.

“God!” Clarke spat furiously with tears of frustration swimming in her eyes as she slammed her fist down on the counter. “Why would they do that to her?!”  
Lincoln just shook his head.

Clarke stormed from the room and began to pace, her own experience with panic attacks was now fueling her anger. What the hell was wrong with these people? How could anyone intentionally push their own kid to that point? Though Clarke had never met them, she had no doubt that she already hated them.

Clarke: Are you with Lexa?  
Anya: I was. Why?  
Clarke: She just called me. I’m pretty sure she was having a panic attack. She’s OK now. I was just hoping…  
Anya: Shit.  
Anya: I’m going back.

Clarke smiled and closed her eyes. It made her feel better to know that Anya was going back and that Lexa wouldn’t be alone. Just from what she’d seen over time, Clarke was pretty sure that her parents had probably been criticizing the hell out of her again. It seemed like that was what they did best and she was sure that Lexa’s resistance to date whoever they wanted her to meet that night was also playing a huge part too.

Later, she was drifting off to sleep when her phone lit up the room.

Lexa: I just want to come home.  
Clarke: You will, and I’ll be here when you do.

************************************************************************************************************************************************** 

Clarke walked across the parking lot and slipped into the driver’s seat of her car. Leaning her head back, she closed her eyes and let out a heavy sigh. All that she wanted to do was forget, but the more she tried, the more she remembered and where Lexa’s parents were concerned, the more she remembered, the angrier she got.

She had been the one that witnessed Lexa dealing with her parents the most. She had been the one to see the effect that they had on her up close and personal. She was there every time Lexa came back from her weekend trips and her summer internships looking frail and beaten down. She was there for the sleepless nights, there for the panic attacks, there when they’d berate her endlessly over the phone. She was always there and to this day, she’d never forget the day she’d first finally met them.

************************************************************************************************************************************************** 

They were sitting in Lexa’s living room studying. Lincoln and Octavia curled up on one couch, while Lexa and Clarke were stretched out on the other, and Anya had stepped out to pick up dinner. 

Suddenly there was a loud knock at the door, assuming it was Anya, Clarke jumped up and opened the door. “Can I help you?” She asked as her eyes fell on two slightly unfamiliar faces.  
“And who might you be?” The man questioned her quickly. He was slightly taller than her, with a bald head and a stern face.  
“Um…I’m Clarke.” Clarke replied, turning her attention to Lexa, who had paled at the sound of the man’s voice.  
“I see,” he said glancing into the apartment. “I’m looking for my daughter, Alexandria.”  
“Father?” Lexa said quickly appearing at Clarke’s side. “Mother? What a surprise.”  
“Well, are you just going to leave us standing here?” Lexa’s mother questioned harshly.  
“No…no, I…of course not,” Lexa stuttered and motioned them inside.  
“Father, Mother, you remember Lincoln,” Lexa’s voice was shaking slightly. “This is Lincoln’s girlfriend, Octavia and her friend, Clarke.”  
She directed her eyes to Octavia and Clarke. “May I present my parents,” she said with a slight hand twitch. “Titus and Nia Woods.”  
“Hi,” Clarke said politely, her voice was small, but her eyes had hardened and her shoulders had squared. Octavia waved, but said nothing.  
Clarke glanced over at Lexa, her body was stiff and her eyes slightly fearful, a bead of sweat rolled down her temple as she swallowed hard and kept her eyes on her parents.  
“Pleasure,” Nia said curtly, but Titus merely stared at them.  
“I’m ready to discuss some of the dates for this summer’s internship with you,” he finally said, directing his attention back to Lexa.  
Lexa nodded and quickly made her way to her desk. She sat down and taking a deep breath, opened her agenda. “Father, I was hoping to take my week between the 2nd and 9th of July,” she said timidly. “Clarke’s parents are having their annual barbeque and have invited me to join them.”  
“You need an entire week to attend a barbeque?” He questioned her sternly.  
“Well, it is a weeklong event.” Clarke said before she could stop herself and Lexa went white as she looked up at her. She probably should have stayed quiet, she knew that, but something in the tone he was using with Lexa struck a nerve in her. She just didn’t like it.

Titus turned, giving her a stone hard glare, and she gave it right back. No way was she backing down from this man.

“I get one week, Father,” Lexa finally said, clearly hoping to break the tension, “and that is the one I would like to take this year. Please?”

Her father held his glare for another moment before turning back to Lexa and pulling out his agenda and picking up a pen off of the desk. He put a strike through the week Lexa had requested and then began rattling off a series of dates, times and places. This went on for several minutes and Lexa simply nodded as she wrote down everything he said, while everyone else remained silent. 

That was, until the front door opened and Anya stepped in carrying their dinner. The moment her eyes fell on her uncle and aunt, she froze. “Uncle Titus,” she said stiffly and gave a quick nod. “Aunt Nia.”  
“Anya.” Titus said returning her nod and Nia also acknowledged her, but barely.

Clarke watched as Anya’s redirected her glance to Lexa who just shook her head slightly and returned her eyes to her agenda. For the first time ever, an obvious sadness filled Anya’s eyes as she walked toward the kitchen motioning for Clarke, Octavia and Lincoln to follow her. 

Lincoln got to his feet taking Octavia’s hand in his own and obeyed, but Clarke however, stayed rooted on the spot, fixing her eyes on Lexa.

“You should join your friends.” Titus told her quickly.  
Clarke looked at him, her eyes still stony. “I’m fine, thanks.”  
Titus turned toward her. “I don’t think I like…”  
“Clarke,” Lexa cautioned loudly, causing Clarke to look back at her. “Leave us,” her green eyes were hard, but also pleading and though Clarke’s heart clenched, she finally relented with a low sigh and left the room.

Clarke entered the kitchen and dropped down into a chair. “God,” she said softly. “They really are awful.”  
“They are,” Anya concurred with a nod.  
“Are your parents like that?” Octavia asked curiously as she set a stack of plates on the table.  
“Absolutely not.” Anya shook her head. “My parents are nothing like hers.”  
“Not at all?” Clarke looked at her. Really, how could they possibly be so different?  
“Not at all,” Anya assured her. “My parents married for love, Lexa’s married for power. My parents wanted a child, Lexa’s parents needed a showpiece. My parents…”  
“I think I understand,” Clarke stopped her.  
“Just do me a favor, Clarke,” Anya shook her head gravely. “Don’t make any waves. They can make her life very difficult, when they want to.”  
Clarke felt her heart slip at Anya’s words, but she nodded. She'd never want to make Lexa’s life any harder.

Twenty minutes later when Lexa appeared in the kitchen, everyone knew that her parents must have finally left and a sense of relief seemed to flood the room.

Clarke pulled out the chair next to her and Lexa dropped down into it. She looked a little pale and her eyes were slightly zoned out.  
“Are you alright?” Anya questioned her tenderly.  
Lexa nodded.  
“You should eat something.” Anya told her.  
“No,” Lexa shook her head. “I’m not hungry.”  
Anya let out a sigh and returned her attention to her plate as Lincoln shook his head and squeezed Octavia’s hand, but all Clarke could do was look at her. 

Seeing Lexa like this was never easy, but knowing that there was nothing that she could do to stop it was even worse. How could two people who are so cold and cruel, create someone who is so warm and kind? Did they even know how truly amazing she really is? 

Clarke stayed lost in her thoughts for another moment before holding a fork full of noodles up to Lexa, who didn’t miss a beat, and took the food in her mouth. She chewed quietly and Clarke watched as the tension visibly left her shoulders and she relaxed back into the chair with a light sigh. 

************************************************************************************************************************************************** 

Before Clarke even realized what she was doing, she found herself walking into the lobby of Lexa’s old building and smiling as her eyes fell on a familiar face.

“Gustus,” She greeted him pleasantly. “How are you?”  
“Miss Clarke,” he said getting to his feet, “it’s been a very long time.”  
“It has,” Clarke acknowledged with a nod. “I was wondering, does Lexa still live here?”  
“She does,” Gustus nodded. “Would you like me to buzz her for you?”  
“No,” Clarke answered quickly. “Not yet. Would you mind if I just hung out for a little while?”  
“Of course,” he told her and motioned to one of the chairs. “I daresay Ms. Woods would have my job if I were ever to throw you out.”  
Clarke smiled appreciatively at him before going over and taking a seat.

She had no idea what she was doing, what she was going say, or even what she had hoped to accomplish, but still, she felt like she had to do something. Not having an exact plan, she simply sat there and waited, trying desperately to collect her thoughts. 

Just a short time later though, the elevator doors opened and Lexa suddenly emerged. She was dressed in a tailored, black suit with her hair loose and wavy. Her left brow was heavily bruised and it appeared that it had taken several stitches to close her gash, but it seemed to be healing well. Clarke’s breath hitched in her chest. How the hell did Lexa always manage to look so utterly amazing? 

It wasn’t until they were about ten feet apart that Lexa finally caught sight of her and instantly froze on the spot. Clarke watched as her shoulders quickly squared and her jaw became set, as though she was preparing for another attack.

She took a deep breath and swallowed hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I did.


	5. Chapter 5

Lexa walked through her door and tried to push her thoughts about Bellamy aside. She wasn't going to allow herself to get lost in his words. Not about Clarke and certainly not about her parents. She had meant what she said, she really had no intentions of seeing Clarke, it just, happened. As suspicious as it might have seemed, it was totally unintentional. She hadn't picked the restaurant for the repast, hell, she hadn't even wanted the damn thing. 

Lexa let out a sigh of frustration as she dropped down onto the couch. She needed to stop thinking about these things. She needed to stop thinking about Clarke. All that she was doing was hurting herself more. Clarke had done exactly what she had hoped that she would. She moved on. She got over it and went on with her life. 

Well, maybe not completely over it, obviously she was still angry, but she had at least been able to get over her. Some part of her was able to heal and move forward to find love again.

Lexa ran her fingers though her hair briskly and stood up. Clarke was engaged. She couldn't help but hope that whoever Clarke was engaged to treated her well. That they were kind and considerate and understood her. That they just accepted her for whose was, unlike some people, unlike Finn.

Lexa shuddered slightly, slowly remembering the night that she was grateful to be in the right place, at the right time.

*********************************************************************************************

“I can explain.” Lexa heard Finn say and she froze on the spot.  
“You can explain?” Clarke responded, sounding slightly sarcastic. “Okay Finn, explain.”

Lexa silently cursed herself. She should have been here sooner, but she'd gotten caught up working on a paper and now Clarke was standing there talking to Finn. God, he was an asshole. Just the fact that he actually thought that he could explain himself was laughable. She was conflicted now, to go or to stay. She knew that she shouldn't be listening to this, it was private, but at the same time, she didn't trust Finn and she didn't want Clarke to alone with him. Her protectiveness of Clarke easily won out, so she stayed.

“I was a dick,” he began, “and I'm sorry that I hit you. I didn’t mean to – you know that I didn't.”  
“I know that you didn't.” Clarke admitted, “but, you were trying to hit Bellamy.”  
“He was being an ass.” Finn defended.  
“So were you!” Clarke fired back instantly. “You hurt Monty. Monty! He's never been anything but nice to you.”  
“I just,” Finn paused. “I didn't want him touching me.”  
“Because he fucked another guy?” Clarke sounded like she was about to loose her nerve.  
“Yes!” Finn replied quickly. “It's fucking gross, Clarke, not to mention wrong.”  
“Fucking Christ,” Clarke breathed.  
“But, you're not like them.” Finn said, practically stifling laugh.  
“Not like them?” Clarke asked quickly.  
“Gay.” Finn responded immediately.

Lexa rolled her eyes. This idiot. Obviously Clarke wasn't gay. 

“Oh, for fucks sake, Finn.” Clarke already sounded annoyed. “I know that I’m not gay.”  
“I know, right?” Finn actually laughed.   
“I think I’ve heard enough.” Clarke said after a short silence and Lexa could almost feel her shaking her head.  
“No, wait.” Finn responded quickly. “I've thought about this and I really think that you just need to give yourself some space from all of them. Come stay with me. I'll help you and take care of you.”  
“Help me?” Clarke scoffed. “Finn, I don't need you to take care of me or help me. I know exactly who I am.”  
“Clearly, you don't.” Finn’s tone seemed harder. ”I know you. I've been with you and you're not like them.”  
“Finn, stop.” Clarke voice was firm.   
“You just need to trust me.” Finn told her.   
“Finn.” Clarke's voice seemed more concerned.  
“I can help you.” Something in Finn’s voice changed and it made Lexa's blood run cold. “Just, let me remind you.”  
“Finn.” Clarke's voice sounded more strangled. “Finn, what are you doing? Stop. Stop!”

Lexa quickly rounded the corner and her eyes went wide. Finn had Clarke pushed back against the wall with one hand on one of her wrists and the other on her hip, dipping dangerously into her waistband. Clarke had a white knuckled grip on his hand and was trying desperately to twist out of his grip.

Lexa saw red. She rushed forward, colliding with Finn’s side and knocking him away from Clarke. “Have you lost your mind?”   
Finn recovered quickly and shook his head as his eyes fell on her. “You stupid bitch,” he sneered, before taking a swing.  
Lexa sidestepped it and pushed him away again. “Just get the hell out of here,” she spat at him.   
“I’m not going anywhere.” He told her and took another swipe at her.  
This time he’d barely missed and with all of the effort she had, Lexa pushed him back again. She wanted to hurt him, really she did, but in that moment she was afraid that if she started, she wasn't going to stop.

Out of the corner of her eye she noticed a group of people crossing though the parking lot quickly. Someone had heard them. 

Finn’s knuckles suddenly connected with her cheekbone and instantly she thought that her eye was going to explode. That was it. Lexa stepped forward, easily landing three quickly blows before Finn even realized what had happened. He stumbled backwards and was caught by a man that Lexa didn't recognize. 

Lexa stood staring at him with her chest heaving.  
“Are you alright?” The man questioned quickly.  
“He,” Lexa swallowed hard. “He tried to hurt my friend.”  
The man looked behind her to where Clarke was standing and nodded. He pushed Finn to the ground and pulled out his cellphone.

Lexa's mind was spinning out into space, but she was quickly brought back to the earth by two arms wrapping around her from behind and squeezing hard. Clarke.

Lexa gripped her arm assuringly, but found that she couldn’t speak.  
Clarke increased her grip and sobbed against her back. “Thank you.”

******************************************************************************************

Lexa shook her head angrily as she moved through her apartment. 

Her parents had been furious with her for getting involved that night. They'd gone up one side of her and down the other, screaming about how she needed to learn how to mind her own business, but Lexa didn't care. Clarke was her friend and there was no way that she could have just stood by and ignored what was happening. There was no way that she could have stood by and let him hurt her or anyone else for that matter.

Clarke was visibly shaken and clearly embarrassed by the whole thing, but she bounced back in time and Finn withdrew from school shortly thereafter. Things returned to normal, or rather, a new type of normal because somehow that night had managed to bring her and Clarke even closer together. They became practically inseparable, spending all of their free time together and crashing at each other's places regularly. It was strange, but felt completely normal at the same time.

Lexa walked into the kitchen and set her kettle to boil, she needed to relax and to calm her nerves. There was no point in getting angry about things that had happened almost a decade ago. It was over, it was done. 

She leaned back against the counter, watching the flames from her stove licking at the bottom of the kettle and sighed, trying to think about anything else, anything but Clarke.

She had never felt a connection with anyone the way the she did with Clarke. Though they were absolute polar opposites, somehow when they came together a perfect balance was created. It was comfortable, it was easy, it was special. It was a friendship that could have rivaled friendships and it made Lexa feel safer than she ever had before. 

As the kettle began to scream Lexa shook herself from her thoughts, she wasn't doing this. She wasn't going to torture herself with the memories of something that was long gone. Stepping forward she quickly flipped off the stove and walked out of the room. It was over, things had changed and what was done couldn't be undone. Grabbing her keys, Lexa quickly made her way out the door, slamming it as she went.

She stepped into the elevator and slammed her fist against the lobby button. She needed to get away, before the walls closed in on her even further. She needed to clear her head and remember that everything was the way that it was because it had to be. It had to be. She made the only choice that she could and it was the right one. 

When the doors finally opened, Lexa quickly stepped out, pushing her wild waves out of her face and making her way to the door, but quickly froze when her eyes fell on an all too familiar face. Clarke. 

She felt her shoulders square and her jaw become set.

What fresh hell was this?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it looks like time has caught up with them.


	6. Chapter 6

They stood in the lobby, just eyeing each other with shades of blue and green locked in a silent conversation.

“I just wanted to say that…” Clarke finally said. “I’m really sorry about your parents.”  
“You despised my parents.” Lexa stated plainly.  
“So did you,” Clarke shrugged slightly, “but they were still your parents.”  
Lexa nodded curtly.  
Clarke stepped forward, “I don’t…” she started, but paused when Lexa took a step back. “You’re afraid of me?”  
The corner of Lexa’s mouth twitched ever so slightly. “Merely trying to stay out of the splash zone,” she replied coolly.  
Clarke instantly felt her cheeks redden. “I’m sorry about that too,” she told her earnestly. “I thought you were… It doesn’t matter what I thought. I was completely out of line.”  
“You were caught off guard, and clearly upset.” Lexa said as she cupped her hands behind her back.  
“That doesn’t excuse it.” Clarke shook her head.  
“Perhaps not,” Lexa agreed with a light nod, “but I will.  
“Thank you,” Clarke smiled weakly.

There was silence for a moment. Clarke knew what she wanted to say, but her words were failing her. Their friendship had developed so fast and with such ease. It was natural. They were the perfect example of opposites attracting. Everything that made them who they were, also made them amazing as friends. They just made sense to each other and brought out the best in each other. Never in her life had she had a friend like Lexa, and she missed that. “We were friends, you know, before everything else,” she shook her head. “That was real, wasn’t it?”  
Lexa’s eyes softened a little. “Of course,” she answered simply.  
“Do you think we could…” Clarke nodded. “I don’t know, maybe lunch?”  
Lexa furrowed her brow, her green eyes searching Clarke’s blue ones. She sighed. “I think we could both use a drink.”

An hour later and halfway through their second drink the conversation seemed to be flowing with much more ease. They were catching up as old friends, rather than former lovers and it just felt nice, and again, easy.

“So, how did you meet,” Lexa waved her hand, “forgive me, I don’t know your fiancés name.”  
“Wells,” Clarke nodded. “His name is Wells. He works at the hospital too. Oncology.”  
“How long have you been together?” Lexa questioned as she shifted in her seat.  
“Two years. He’s sweet and nice,” Clarke shrugged, “albeit a tad too arrogant and uptight at times, but he’s a good guy.”  
“Well, he sounds several levels above Finn,” Lexa chuckled.  
“Oh God, Finn,” Clarke shook her head. “He died, you know? A few years ago.”  
“I didn’t,” Lexa answered. “What happened to him?”  
“Bar fight,” Clarke answered, still shaking her head, “over a woman, of course. Apparently his temper never improved.”  
Lexa merely sighed.  
“I was always grateful that you were there,” the words just fell out of Clarke’s mouth as a slight smirk crossed her face. “That you came to my rescue.”  
“Hey, you rescued me too,” Lexa surprisingly smirked back. “Remember?”  
Clarke nodded slowly and smiled. She did remember. After all, it was the first time she found herself questioning how she really felt about Lexa.

************************************************************************************************************************************************** 

Clarke was standing with Raven, Anya and Octavia at the fall festival, laughing as they watched Lincoln and Bellamy take on Jasper and Monty in a competition of bobbing for apples – losers had to pay for dinner. Lexa had excused herself to the bathroom some time ago and had yet to return.

“Lincoln, you better win this,” Anya told him with a stern eye.  
“It’s him and Bellamy,” Octavia laughed. “Of course they’re going to win.”  
“Ever notice how no one is ever on our side?” Monty shrugged with a goofy smile.  
“If you’d actually ever win, perhaps someone would be.” Raven told him and everyone laughed.  
“Fucking bitch.” Anya suddenly breathed as her eyes sharpened their attention to something behind Clarke.  
“What?” Clarke said, turning quickly. “What is it?” Her eyes fell and Lexa about fifteen or twenty yards away, talking to a flashy brunette and looking absolutely unhappy about it. 

They watched as Lexa shook her head with her jaw clenched, they appeared to be having some sort of argument. The girl stepped forward and placed her hands on Lexa’s collarbones, but Lexa grabbed the girl at the wrists and eased her back out of her space as she continued to shake her head. 

“Who is that?” Clarke finally questioned.  
“Lexa’s ex-girlfriend,” Anya answered, her voice stony. “Costia,” she finished and started to move towards them, but Clarke was already steps ahead of her.

She didn’t know too much about Lexa’s last relationship, other than the fact that it had ended badly and Lexa had gotten hurt, but she didn’t really care. She stopped a few feet away and listened.

“Lexa, come on,” Costia pleaded, but her tone seemed lighter than it should have been. “You know how much you mean to me.”  
“Clearly, not enough,” Lexa said sternly and again shook her head. “Just leave me alone.”  
“We can work this out,” Costia insisted. “You know that we can.”  
“I don’t want to work it out.” Lexa interrupted through her gritted teeth.  
“Of course you do.” Costia told her confidently. “I know how much you miss me.”

Clarke had heard enough. She didn’t like seeing Lexa this way, cornered and vulnerable, with her shoulders slouched and her eyes cloudy. Whatever Costia was saying was clearly upsetting her, and Clarke would be damned before she would stand idly by and watch it.

“Baby?” Clarke said as she reached Lexa’s side and slipped her arms around her waist, ghosting a kiss on her jaw. “Are you coming? Everyone’s waiting.”  
“Who the hell are you?” Costia demanded, looking utterly taken aback.  
Clarke replied only with an offended look, but Lexa seemed to understand instantly what was happening and adjusted her arm to let it fall across Clarke’s lower back, her hand resting on her hip as she squared her shoulders.  
“Oh,” Costia’s voice came out smaller. “Okay. I see. I guess we really are through.”  
Clarke felt the hand on her hip tighten, so she moved a hand to Lexa’s collar to calm her. She could feel the heat radiating off of her as her heart pounded furiously.  
“We were through the second that you decided you needed more than just me to warm your bed,” Lexa said coldly and glanced at Clarke. “Are you ready?”  
“More than ready,” Clarke answered and without another word they walked away to rejoin their friends.

“Thank you for that.” Lexa told her as they neared the group.  
“You don’t have to thank me,” Clarke replied as she moved her hand from Lexa’s collar back down to her waist. “I could see how much she was upsetting you. I didn’t like it. She’d be wise to just stay away from you,” she dropped her head back into the crook of Lexa’s neck. “She really doesn’t want to piss me off.”  
Lexa grinned lightly, but said nothing.  
“Bad ass,” Raven said with a wide smirk as they rejoined their friends.  
“I totally approve.” Anya nodded at her as everyone else also gave her approving nods and smiles.  
“She’s still watching.” Lincoln told them.  
“Let her,” Clarke responded with a shrug as her arms tightened around Lexa.  
“So, uh, tell me,” Raven leaned forward and wiggled her eyebrows. “When’s the wedding?”  
“Oh, shut up!” Clarke laughed as Lexa took a handful of Bellamy’s popcorn and threw it at her.  
“Clarke, you didn’t just see yourself.” Raven said putting her hands up. “That was fucking hot.”  
“Stop it.” Clarke huffed as more popcorn flew through the air.

Clarke hadn’t really given much thought to what she had done, when she was doing it. She was flying on autopilot and instinctively knew that the easiest way to defuse the situation was to step in the way she did and make Costia think that Lexa was with her now. It was easy. Being physically close to Lexa was nothing abnormal, it had always been so natural. 

Suddenly she couldn’t help but wonder if it was supposed to feel so natural, if it was supposed to feel so good. As the thoughts entered her mind, Clarke shook her head, but she didn’t let go. 

**************************************************************************************************************************************************

“Anyway,” Clarke said, looking to change the subject. “What about you? Do you have someone?”  
“Ha. No.” Lexa shook her head quickly. “I have no interest,” she answered simply, but must have read the look on Clarke’s face because she added, “Don’t get me wrong, I’m human, I just,” she paused, as if trying to find the right words. “Fuck it,” she finally shrugged. “I’m just not there when they wake up.”  
“Oh.” Clarke nodded, feeling her cheek heat up slightly, she turned her attention turned to her phone.  
“Is it time to go?” Lexa questioned.  
“No.” Clarke shook her head. “It’s just O and Raven, wondering where I am.”  
“You don’t have to tell them that you’re with me.” Lexa offered.  
“Oh stop.” Clarke brushed off her words.  
Lexa grinned slightly. “Well, I’ll let you chat with them a bit,” she said getting to her feet and walking off towards the ladies room.

O: Hey bitches, how about a drink?  
Raven: Sounds good to me. Today Sucks! Clarke, you in?  
Raven: CLARKE?!!  
Clarke: I’m already having a drink with Lexa. Actually, we’re on our second one.  
O: You what???  
Raven: What the fuck?  
Raven: How’s her eye look??  
Clarke: Painful.  
Raven: Fuckin-a right it does :)  
O: What are you doing?  
Clarke: Nothing. We’re just catching up  
Raven: Bullshit.  
Clarke: Shut up!

Clarke looked up and saw Lexa was coming back. As she watched, her a sudden pang of emotion went off in her chest and her stomach twisted into knots. “Stop it,” she mumbled to herself.

Clarke: Okay. I might have a problem.  
O: ?????  
Raven: Bathroom not big enough for two? ;)  
Clarke: Stop it!!!  
Raven: Where are you???   
O: Fucking shit…  
Clarke: Polis.  
Raven: 10 minutes!

Lexa was back at the table. “Everything okay?”  
“Yeah, yeah. Everything is fine.” Clarke laughed and tucked her phone away. “I hope you don’t mind, O and Raven are going to stop in.”  
Lexa’s left eye twitched.  
“I promise Raven won’t hit you again.” Clarke assured her, crossing her heart.   
“It’s fine.” Lexa nodded. “I actually have to go soon.”  
“Oh. Sorry.” Clarke said quickly. “I never considered that I could be keeping you from something.”  
“Oh God, no, you’re fine.” Lexa insisted. “It’s not like I have anyone to answer to.” As the words left her mouth something flickered in her eyes, almost a realization.  
“Can I ask what happened?” Clarke found herself asking.  
“Car accident,” Lexa answered plainly. “I hadn’t seen them in a long time though.”

An awkward silence suddenly fell between them 

“Everyone missed you, you know? After you left,” Clarke finally said, her voice was soft and sad, “it took a while for everyone to get used to you not being there.”  
Lexa sighed lightly, her eyes suddenly filling with warmth. “I missed them too.”  
“Them?” Clarke scoffed jokingly. “But not me?”  
“Well, you are a bit of a pain in the ass.” Lexa teased lightly  
“True.” Clarke acknowledged with a nod. “But, I’m a cute pain in the ass.” As soon as the words left her mouth, she wanted to take them back. She could feel her face burning.

“Hey there, bitches.” Octavia’s said loudly as she and Raven entered the bar.

Thank God!

“We figured we’d pop in for a quick drink before stealing Clarke for dinner.” Octavia said matter-of-factly as they approached the table.  
Lexa motioned to the two empty chairs.  
“Nice to see you again, Commander.” Raven said, popping her eyebrows as she sat down next to Lexa. “Ouch. Clarke was right. That does look like it hurts.”  
“Only when I blink.” Lexa replied, her tone snarky.  
“How are you, Lexa?” Octavia questioned politely, but there was definitely fire in her eyes.  
“I’m fine, Octavia,” Lexa replied passively, “and you?”  
“Very good,” she smiled, turning to the bar. “Okay, I think we definitely need some drinks.”  
“I’ll join you.” Lexa nodded and stood up.

Clarke watched them walk to the bar and once they were out of earshot, she turned to Raven. “I think I’m in trouble.”  
“You think?” Raven smirked. “How the hell did you even end up here?”  
“I don’t know.” Clarke whined quickly, dropping her head into her hands. “I couldn’t stop thinking about what happened. Then I got myself thinking about college and I realized that I still missed my friend, even though we weren’t friends anymore and we were way more than friends when we stopped speaking. And then I wanted to offer my condolences for her loss, and apologize for spitting on her, because I still can’t believe I even behaved that way, and everything was going, eh, mostly fine, but then I looked at her and I felt…”  
“Slow down,” Raven said holding up her hand. “Better yet, just stop. Did you really think you’d just be able to go out and have a drink with Lexa and everything would be fine? I mean, it’s fucking Lexa!”  
“What is that supposed to mean?” Clarke shot out quickly.  
“You’re kidding, right?” Raven asked, cocking an eyebrow and grinning naughtily.  
“Stop it!” Clarke muttered as Octavia and Lexa returned to the table.  
“Seriously? I have two words for you,” Raven dropped her voice. “Karaoke night.”  
Clarke’s mind was ripped back to the second time she questioned what was between her and Lexa.

************************************************************************************************************************************************** 

The night found the group at a local karaoke bar. Everyone seemed to be having an enjoyable evening and had taken their turns at the microphone, everyone, except for Lexa.  
“Come on, Commander,” Raven nagged. “Don’t be afraid.”  
Lexa’s eyes narrowed. “I’m not afraid,” she replied sternly. “It’s silly.”  
At this Clarke stood up. “There’s nothing wrong with being silly every once in a while,” she said taking Lexa’s hand. “Come on, we’ll do it together.”  
Once on the stage Clarke selected a song and gave Lexa a challenging smirk. “I know that you can sing,” she said slyly. “Now, come at me, Woods.”

As the beat began to flow from the speakers Clarke watched as Lexa’s head and shoulders popped slightly, following the rhythm while a light glimmer appeared in her green eyes. Clarke playfully took the first verse and was pleasantly surprised when Lexa came into the second with careless enthusiasm. She was more open than Clarke had ever seen her. As the chorus approached Lexa fixed her eyes with Clarke’s and jerked hand in a motion towards herself as if to say, bring it, and Clarke did just that. Their movements and words were burning with power and passion as they threw everything that they had at one another. The room faded away as they got lost in the music and lost in each other. They matched each other verse for verse and blended their way seamlessly through the chorus. When the song ended the bar erupted in applause, snapping them back into reality. They smiled at each other and made their way off of the stage. However, when they returned to their table, everyone was quiet.

“What?” Clarke asked curiously as she glanced around at the group.  
“Okay,” Raven said, exhaling softly, “is anyone else as turned on as I am right now?”  
Everyone’s hand went up.  
Clarke felt her face burning as she redirected her eyes to Lexa who set her jaw and swallowed hard, but didn’t meet her gaze.  
“Knock it off,” Clarke said, but she knew her voice was lacking the conviction, as a pang of sudden emotion went off in her chest. Maybe she really was beginning to see Lexa in a different light.

**************************************************************************************************************************************************

“So, what’s it like being back in the states?” Octavia questioned Lexa as she sat back down.  
“It’s quite surreal actually.” Lexa answered. “I wasn’t sure that I’d ever be back, so.”  
“What was Bangkok like?” Octavia asked, trying to make conversation.  
“It was nice, I suppose.” Lexa replied shrugging lightly.  
“Nice?” Raven said harshly. “You sure as fuck took your sweet time leaving it.”  
“Bangkok was business.” Lexa sternly retorted, her eyes had gone cold and her body rigid.  
“Okay you two,” Clarke interjected quickly. “Knock it off.”   
“Actually, I have a meeting that I need to prepare for,” Lexa said suddenly as she got to her feet. For a second, Clarke saw something flicker in her eyes, “but, this was nice. We should do it again.”  
“Typical Lexa, all work and no play.” Raven said to her own satisfaction.  
“Uh huh,” Lexa rolled her eyes lightly. “Go fuck yourself, Reyes,” she sighed.  
“I have. Just this morning, in fact.” Raven grinned devilishly and popped her eyebrows. “It was fun.”   
Lexa’s eyes instantly flashed with something familiar and her mouth twitched slightly. She gave a short nod and walked away.

“Was that really necessary?” Clarke snapped when Lexa was gone.  
“It absolutely was.” Raven answered and took a sip of her drink. Octavia nodded in agreement.  
“Why?” Clarke shook her head feeling utterly confused.  
“Did you see how she reacted?” Raven asked as she pointed over her shoulder. “She’s still Lexa.”

It was true and something that Clarke had already noticed. Somewhere, beneath the hardened eyes and the flashy clothes was the woman that they all still remembered. Time and space might have changed a lot of things, but it hadn’t changed that. Lexa was still Lexa.

Clarke leaned back in her chair and sighed. Now what?


	7. Chapter 7

That evening, Lexa was, yet again, standing at her bedroom door with her hand firmly holding on to the knob. Still, she had been avoiding going in, but after the day’s events, she thought perhaps, she might be ready. 

How amazing it had felt to be back with them again. She had missed that, she had missed them and God, had she missed Clarke. Clarke looked absolutely amazing. As Lexa had absolutely expected, time had been nothing but kind to her. Just to be sitting there talking to her again after all of this time filled her with warmth that had been long since forgotten. 

Finally, Lexa took a deep breath, turned the knob and pushed the door open.

Just like the rest of the apartment, everything was exactly as it had been the last time she was there and again, Lexa felt as though she had been sucked back in time. Other than the normal cleaning that the maid did weekly, the room seemed completely untouched. Suddenly her eyes fell on a framed picture that was sitting on a shelf, it was the only picture Anya hadn’t put away. It had been taken at Clarke’s parent’s annual barbeque. For one week in the summer Clarke and all her friends would converge at her parents place for what they called: Family Time. 

The first summer after they had all started spending time together Clarke had asked Lexa, Anya and Lincoln to join them. They had all melded so perfectly into the group that everyone agreed that it had only seemed natural that they be there too. Tears were swimming in her eyes as a memory floated back to her.

**************************************************************************************************************************************************

She was sitting on the couch with Clarke, Raven and Bellamy and due to the lack of space, Clarke was practically on top of her, with her legs laying across hers and her arm across her shoulder.

“So how long have you two been together?" Abby, Clarke’s mother, asked as she entered the room with Octavia.  
Clarke looked up. “Oh no, Mom,” she said pointing at Lexa, “we’re not together.”  
“Oh, I just assumed, after seeing you two the last couple of days. I mean,” Abby paused for a moment. “Really, you’re not?”  
Clarke shook her head and returned her attention to the television.  
Lexa grinned and also shook her head, they were used to this by now.  
Abby glanced at Octavia. “Am I crazy?” She asked, not so quietly.  
“Nope.” Octavia replied smiling. “They don’t see it.”  
“Are they blind?” Abby whispered playfully.  
“We can hear you, you know?” Clarke said not looking at them as Lexa just shook her head.

That night they were all lounging on the back deck, passing around plates of food as they reminisced about years past, sharing memories and telling stories trying to embarrass one another.

As the moments ticked by Lexa was trying, and failing to ignore a feeling that had started building in her chest. Though she’d been hanging around all of them for quite a while, this felt different and she couldn’t figure out why. She continued watching them all for a while, but when the feeling she was experiencing finally made its way to her eyes, her breath caught in her chest as she realized what was about to happen. She jumped to her feet, knocking over her chair. “Excuse me,” she said speeding back into the kitchen and leaving everyone with a look of utter shock.

Lexa was standing at the sink with tears freely falling from her eyes when Clarke came up behind her. “Lexa?” Her voice was soft and caring as her hand fell lightly on Lexa's back. “Hey, what happened?”  
Lexa trembled at her touch and shook her head. “That’s what it’s supposed to be like,” she said as she turned and looked at her, “isn’t it?”  
“What?” Clarke asked, with tears starting to form in her own eyes.  
“Family.” Lexa whispered, trying to choke back a sob. “That’s what it’s supposed to be like.”  
“Lexa,” Clarke breathed, the look her eyes told Lexa that she understood and before she knew it, Clarke was pulling her into a tight embrace and rubbing her back gently.  
After a few minutes of crying, Lexa took a deep breath and leaned back. “You really have something amazing here, Clarke,” she said, wiping her eyes.  
“Hey, you’re a part of it.” Clarke told her. “Look, your parents are awful and they suck, but you don’t need them. You have us. You’re a part of our family.”  
“I’m not,” Lexa shook her head. “I’m not a part of anything.”  
“Of course you are.” Raven’s voice filled the room and turning they found her and Octavia standing in the doorway.  
“Claimed, remember?” Octavia smiled kindheartedly. “Clarke might have pulled you in, but Lexa, we all love you.”  
“See?” Clarke whispered, nudging her elbow.  
The corner of Lexa’s mouth twitched as another round of tears welled up in her eyes.

**************************************************************************************************************************************************

“Hey, are you ok?” Anya’s voice spilled into Lexa’s thoughts.  
“I’m fine,” Lexa answered as she placed the frame back on to the shelf. “Forget about that one?”  
Anya shrugged slightly. “Where have you been?”  
“I was having a drink,” Lexa replied, “with Clarke, Octavia and Raven.”  
“Wait, what?” Anya spat, looking as though she had just been slapped.  
“So, where are we at now?” Lexa asked as she stepped through the door, closing it behind her and ran her fingers through her hair massaging her scalp.  
Anya blinked back into work mode. “Okay. All of your loose ends in Bangkok have been tied up. Your personal belongings, not that there's much, will be here later this week. I’ve been digging into the amount of real estate that your parents had acquired and I have to say, there's a lot of it.”  
Lexa nodded as they entered the living room. She already knew that.  
“Tracking down all of their bank accounts is proving a little difficult, but not impossible.” Anya continued. “Your presence is expected at two board meetings next week and I’m actively setting up video conferences with all of the office heads for you. We can go to dinner once I have that all in order and discuss the details.”  
“Alright, that sounds excellent.” Lexa said as she slipped out of her jacket and loosened the collar of her shit. “Thank you, for everything. I know I hired you as my attorney, but now it’s like you’ve taken on a whole other role.”  
Anya shrugged. “You need all of the help that you can get.”  
“I do,” Lexa agreed, “and I’ll see that you’re compensated as well.”  
“So what, I’m your attorney/assistant, now?” Anya chuckled.  
“I guess?” Lexa gave her a confused look.  
“I think I like it.” Anya walked over to the bar and poured each of them a drink. Turning she handed a glass to Lexa. “Now spill,” she said grinning with a cocked eyebrow.  
Lexa chuckled lightly. “It was nice, being with them again,” she shrugged, “even with Raven being, well, Raven.”  
Anya flopped down on the couch and smirked. “Did she get a rise out of you?”  
“Maybe a little bit,” Lexa admitted.  
“Well, the girl is good at what she does.” Anya nodded approvingly.  
“She is,” Lexa agreed as she too sat down.  
“And, how was it being with Clarke?” Anya probed curiously.  
Lexa grinned, feeling that warmth spreading through her once more.  
“Say no more.” Anya muttered, clearly taking in the grin. “Just remember, she’s engaged.”  
“Hey, I wouldn’t do that,” Lexa defended quickly. “Besides, we were friends before.”  
“You mean, before the floodgates burst open and you two realized what we had all been seeing?” Anya shot back. “The sexual tension between you two was always disgusting.”  
“Yeah, before that,” Lexa mumbled, dropping her head back on the couch as her mind went to a night that, said tension, began to spill over the edge a little.

**************************************************************************************************************************************************

“Lex?” Clarke’s voice filled her ears. “Will you dance with me?”

Lexa turned to see Clarke standing at her side with her cheeks flushed, her eyes sparkling and her barely there dress clinging to her body in all of the right places. Lexa swallowed hard at the sight of her and shook her head. “No,” she answered thickly. “I think that I’m going to head home.”

Clarke was already a very affectionate person, but she became even more so when she was drinking and Lexa, well Lexa was far too drunk and it had been for too long since she had been with anyone so, no, she would not be dancing with Clarke tonight.

“You can’t go,” Clarke wined and took her hand. “Come on.”  
Lexa shook her head again.  
“Please,” Clarke tried again. “One dance?”  
“I’m not dancing, Clarke.” Lexa insisted.  
Raven smirked. “Sure you’re not,” she said as poured herself another tequila shot.  
Clarke smiled playfully as she took Lexa’s other hand. “It’s so cute that you think you can resist my powers,” she giggled.  
Lexa rolled her eyes and sighed in defeat as she picked up Raven’s shot and tipped it into her mouth, then motioned to the center of the living room where everyone was dancing.

As they reached the center of the room, Clarke instantly began to move, but Lexa stood frozen. “Dance,” Clarke whispered in her ear and without thought Lexa’s hands went to Clarke’s waist as her hips began to move. Clarke smiled with a glint of satisfaction in her eyes and started to let herself get lost in the music. After a moment, Lexa tried to cleverly slip away, but Clarke wasn’t giving an inch, she just held her closer and then spun around, pressing her back to Lexa’s front. When Clarke rolled her hips, Lexa thought for a moment that she might actually die, but then Clarke’s hand reached around for one of hers, pulling it across her stomach as the other went up around her neck and then, Lexa was sure of it. She was drunk, slightly aroused, and very frustrated. She hated it.

When the song ended Clarke spun back around and wrapped her arms around Lexa’s neck. “I’m so drunk,” she smiled.  
Lexa nodded. “You sound like you did the night that we met,” she couldn’t help but grin.  
“Hey, that was a really good night!” Clarke’s eyes went wide. “Though I don’t recall getting such a sexy dance with you that night. You’re seriously sexy, Lex.”  
“You really are drunk.” Lexa chuckled, shaking her head.  
“I am,” Clarke admitted. “I should probably go home too.”  
“Definitely,” Lexa agreed with a nod. “I’ll find Raven and O for you.”

Later that night, Lexa slipped into bed and her phone lit up with a message from Clarke.

Clarke: I can’t stop thinking about that dance.  
Clarke: It was just so damn sexy.  
Lexa: You’re very drunk. You should get some sleep.  
Clarke: Can’t sleep - way too turned on.

The phone slipped from Lexa’s hands and flew to the floor. It wasn’t unusual for Clarke to make comments like this, what was different this time though, was her basically saying that their dance and by extension, Lexa had turned her on. This had never, ever happened before.

Lexa: Take a cold shower.  
Clarke: Did you?

Lexa bit her lip and considered lying. 

Lexa: Yes.  
Clarke: Fuck…  
Lexa: Goodnight, Clarke.

************************************************************************************************************************************************** 

“Stop thinking about sex with Clarke,” Anya’s scolding voice broke into her thoughts.  
“I wasn’t,” Lexa insisted instantly. “Not exactly.”  
“Uh huh,” Anya grunted as she got to her feet. “Just remember what I said, okay? Be smart. She’s engaged.”  
“I’m not going to do anything to mess with Clarke’s engagement.” Lexa told her firmly. “I wouldn’t do that. I’ve already caused her so much pain.”  
“Hey,” Anya’s voice was softer this time. “You…”  
“Please, don’t,” Lexa shook her head.  
Anya conceded with a small nod. “I’ll call you in the morning, okay?” She said as she picked up her jacket.  
Lexa nodded. “Thank you, again,” she said as she got to her feet.

When Anya was gone, Lexa walked over and stared out the window. She didn’t know what this new turn of events meant, if anything at all, but the thought of having Clarke back in her life again – even just as a friend, was comforting and warming. If that’s what Clarke wanted, she would do it. She could be her friend.

Right?


	8. Chapter 8

Clarke stretched out in the bathtub, letting herself just get lost in the heat of the water and the relaxing sensation that was spreading through her body. The last few days had been wreaking havoc on her, both mentally and physically. 

Spending time with Lexa again had been both wonderful and tragic. Wonderful, because it felt so good to just sit and talk with her again, to just be in the same room as her. It felt warm and comforting, just like it always had. Tragic, because she still felt the hurt that Lexa had caused her and though Raven had pointed out that Lexa was still, Lexa, she knew that nothing would ever be able the way that it was. It just couldn’t be. There was just no way to erase what had happened, no way to undo it and no way to truly forgive it. Life had moved on and so had they.

Clarke sighed as she leaned her head back and closed her eyes. At that moment, more than anything, all that she wanted to do was turn her mind off. She needed a break from her thoughts, a break from the memories, but even as she thought this, another one came slipping in.

**************************************************************************************************************************************************

Raven had been having a rough few weeks, she was struggling after a guy that she liked stared seeing someone else and she was asking the most ridiculous favor of Lexa.

“Come on, Commander,” Raven pleaded. “Help a girl out!”  
“Why me?” Lexa argued. “You know lots of people. Clarke’s not going with anyone – take her.”  
“Hello, have you looked in a mirror?” Raven retorted quickly. “You’re beyond smokin’ hot.”  
“Stop that,” Lexa told her sharply.  
“Besides, I can’t take Clarke,” Raven insisted. “Wick knows her, but he doesn’t know you.”  
Lexa audibly groaned. “So, you want to make this guy jealous?”  
“I absolutely do,” Raven confirmed, nodding her head quickly, “and maybe, kind of rub it in his face that I can show up with a way hotter date than he can.”  
“Which is obviously bullshit,” Lexa chuckled as she shook her head, “considering what you’re asking.”  
“Hey! I could if I wanted to, but I don’t and besides, I don’t even have time to try.” Raven defended herself confidently. “Listen, I don’t expect you to get it, but help me out. All you have to do is pretend to be my date,” she said, placing her hands together. “I’ll be good. I promise.”  
“It’s really not that big of a deal.” Octavia interjected from the couch where she was lounging with Lincoln.  
“Then why don’t you do it,” Lexa huffed at her.  
“Please, please, please,” Raven begged ridiculously.  
Clarke glanced over at her, finding her eyes and shrugged. “I agree with Octavia,” she said simply, “it’s really not a big deal.”  
Lexa sighed and turned back to Raven. “Will you stop calling me Commander?”  
Raven shrugged. “For the night,” she smirked playfully.  
“Fair enough,” Lexa nodded, “but, make no mistake Reyes, you owe me.”  
“Yes! You’re fucking awesome!” Raven jumped triumphantly. “I’ll meet you out front at seven,” she said a left the room quickly.

Lexa showed up exactly at seven and Clarke’s mouth went dry at the sight of her, she looked absolutely breathtaking. She had kept her hair down and wild, but used a few complicated braids to hold the front out of her face. She wore a simple black dress that fell just passed her knees, it was low in the front and open in the back and she’d paired it with equally simple black heels. Her smoky eye makeup was perfectly accentuating the green of her eyes and the red lipstick she wore made it damn near impossible to not stare at her lips. 

“You look fucking amazing,” Raven told her instantly.  
“I thought that was the point,” Lexa replied with a slight smirk.

All night long Clarke kept finding herself staring at Lexa and wanting to snap Raven’s fingers any time they touched her. They were playing their parts well and even though she knew that it was a ruse, Clarke couldn’t seem to stifle the burning feeling of jealousy that surged through her every time that she saw them interacting. It was confusing and strange, and the fact that she couldn’t explain it, made it downright annoying. It made for the longest night ever and left her at a loss on what, if anything, to do about it.

************************************************************************************************************************************************** 

Clarke pulled the plug in the tub and got to her feet, grabbing a towel, she quickly dried off and slipped into and oversized t-shirt and an old pair of sweats – her go-to comfy clothes. She exited the bathroom and moved into the kitchen where she started to prepare a snack. She was so distracted that she never even noticed Wells reading on the sofa when she passed through the living room.

“Hey,” his voice broke the silence in the room.  
“Jesus!” Clarke jumped, dropping the box of crackers that she was holding. “You scared the shit out of me!”  
Wells cracked a wide smile. “Sorry,” he told her. “I thought that you knew that I was home.”  
Clarke shook her head, trying to catch her breath and calm her nerves.

Wells stepped into the room and picked up the box of crackers, placing it on the counter before wrapping his arms around Clarke from behind and kissing the side of her head. “Are you alright?” He asked. “You’ve been seeming a little, off, lately.”  
Clarke nodded. “Just a lot on my mind.”  
“Hmm,” Wells said as he let go of her and stole one of her crackers. “Maybe you need one of your girl’s days, with Octavia and Raven? That usually help you clear your head, doesn’t it?”  
“It does,” Clarke agreed, not missing the fact that he hadn’t even ask her if she wanted to talk about it. “I think I’ll go try and sketch for a while,” she told him as she dropped a quick kiss on his cheek and left the room.

As Clarke made her way to the bedroom, she thought of Wells. For as good of a guy that he was, this was a place where he came up short. Whenever Clarke got too lost in her head, he was always the first to recommend talking to Octavia and Raven, because honestly, he just didn’t know what to say or do and really, that was okay. She didn’t fault him for it, she knew that she could be a handful. But this worked, it was almost like a silent understanding between the two of them. 

With Octavia and Raven it was different though. Whenever Clarke’s head got too full, she could always count on them to help her sort it. They were her go-to people, they always had been.

************************************************************************************************************************************************** 

“Guys?” Clarke asked from her spot on the bed, leaning against the headboard. “Can I talk to you about something, without getting too much shit?”  
“Of course,” Octavia said as she glanced over at her, “but, there probably will be, at least some, shit.”  
“There usually is,” Raven added from the bottom of the bed where she was scrolling through her phone.  
“Never mind,” Clarke shook her head, instantly changing her mind and adjusted her position.  
“Oh, come on, Griffin,” Raven set her phone down. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”  
Clarke sighed. “I think that I like Lexa,” she finally admitted aloud.  
“Um,” Raven’s brow furrowed in confusion. “Duh?”  
“We already know that, Clarke.” Octavia added matter-of-factly.  
“No, I mean, I think that I like-like her.” Clarke tried to explain. “Like, a real whole lot.”  
“Again,” Raven sat up and looked at her. “Duh?”  
“Like-like, Clarke?” Octavia also sat up. “What are we, fifth graders?”  
Clarke felt her cheeks start to burn and she stared down at her hands. “I don’t know what to do about it.”  
“Easy,” Raven answered simply, "tell her."  
“Yeah,” Octavia quickly agreed. “She’s totally into you too.”  
“Did she tell you that?” Clarke asked without looking up.  
“She doesn’t have to,” Raven shook her head, “it’s more than obvious – same as you.”  
“I completely agree,” Octavia nodded. “Everyone can tell that you two are totally into each other and totally connected too.”  
“What if you’re wrong?” Clarke asked as she began chewing on the inside of her lip. “What if I tell her and it fucks everything up?”  
“We’re not,” Octavia shook her head, “and it won’t.”  
“Yeah. When are we ever wrong?” Raven asked with complete confidence in her voice.  
Clarke looked up giving her a very unimpressed look. “You’re kidding, right?”  
“I mean, when it counts,” Raven added quickly, waving her hand. “Trust us. You and Lexa, it makes total sense. Just go for it.”  
Clarke swallowed hard, but didn’t respond. On one hand, she wanted to, God, did she really, really want to, but on the other, if Lexa wasn’t interested, everything that they had could be jeopardized. “I don’t know,” she finally shook her head.  
“Damn,” Raven shook her head. “I never thought I’d see the day. What happened to that game of yours?”  
“Shut up, Raven.” Clarke snapped quickly. “I just can’t help it. She makes me feel so…”  
“Clarke, just stop. Don’t mind-fuck yourself. ” Octavia cut her off. “I’m telling you, she feels the same way. Now, stop being so afraid and go get your girl.”  
“My girl,” a slight grin formed on Clarke’s face. “I like the sound of that.”  
Raven rolled her eyes with slight smile. “The next time an opportunity presents itself, just go with it and see what happens. Don’t think, just do.”

************************************************************************************************************************************************** 

Clarke sat on her bed with her sketchpad in her lap. That had been a pretty scary moment for her, deciding whether or not to she should let Lexa know how she was really feeling. Something about the situation had her scared in a way that nothing had ever scared her before and if was a fear that she found damn near impossible to shake.

Shortly thereafter though, an opportunity did present itself. A party, where she allowed herself to get fairly drunk and then pestered Lexa until she agreed to dance with her and that dance – was damn near the death of her. Everything about it set every single one of her nerve endings on edge. The way that Lexa’s body felt pressed up against hers, the softness of her touch and the way she moved against her. A few more minutes and Clarke probably could have come apart on the spot.

Okay, so getting drunk was probably not the smartest way to go about things, but that little bit of liquid courage, certainly helped, as later that night she was brave enough to fire off a text to Lexa, expressing just how turned on it had made her and in return, got the sense that Lexa felt the same. The next morning though…

Clarke shook her head as a shiver slipped down her spine.

************************************************************************************************************************************************** 

When Clarke woke up and saw the text exchange between her and Lexa from the night before, she felt a slight tinge of fear, but knew that now there was only one thing to do. Just put it out there.

Clarke: We need to talk. Can I come over?  
Lexa: Okay?  
Lexa: But, I have to leave for my parent’s at 10:00am 

Forty five minutes later, Clarke was at her door, she paused for a moment, adjusting her hair and clothes and then with all the courage she could muster, knocked.

“Morning,” Lexa said with a small smile when the door opened.  
“Hi,” Clarke walked in and deposited her purse on the couch. “So, I thought it was a dream,” she said as she turned to face Lexa, she just wanted to get to the point. “You know, the dance and everything. Until I saw my messages. I hope I didn’t make you too uncomfortable.”  
“I was fine,” Lexa responded softly, though shifted slightly. “I just thought that you needed to go to sleep, before you ended up saying something that you really regretted and things got weird between us.”  
“Are things weird between us?” Clarke questioned as she held her breath, slightly afraid of the answer.  
Lexa shook her head.  
Clarke exhaled with a small smile. “Then I don’t regret anything that I said to you.”  
Lexa nodded. “Then I don’t regret dancing with you.”  
Clarke inhaled deeply as she leaned towards Lexa and smiled. “Did I mention that was really hot?”  
“Shut it.” Lexa laughed and nudged her.  
Clarke smiled again as she swayed for a moment. “Lexa,” she finally said softly, “what would you say, if I asked if I could kiss you?  
“What?” Lexa’s eyes went wide with shock, instantly looking anxious. “No. We’re friends.”  
“But, everyone says that there’s something here,” Clarke tried to explain, motioning between the two of them, “and obviously we’ve both thought about it.”  
“We’re friends, Clarke,” Lexa repeated. “I don’t want to do anything that might mess with that.”  
“I know, but I’m curious and it’s just a kiss,” Clarke tried to make it seem like nothing, even though she, herself, was beyond scared. “It won’t mess with anything.”  
“You don’t know that.” Lexa responded, stubbornly shaking her head. “You can’t.”  
Clarke watched as Lexa’s eyes dropped to her lips and inside, she smiled. “What if there’s more here?” She asked taking a step forward and quickly palming Lexa’s cheek. “Don’t we owe it to ourselves to know what’s real?”  
Lexa’s breath was shallow and she looked genuinely terrified.  
Clarke stroked her thumb across her jaw making Lexa's eye close and the quickly began regretting even asking. She never wanted to cause her any kind of stress. She dropped her hand and took a step back.  
“Are you sure you want to do this?” Lexa asked, her voice suddenly sounding remarkably calm.  
Clarke’s eyes snapped up. “I am,” she assured her quietly and to her surprise, Lexa made the first move.

Slowly Lexa’s hand went up and found the back of her neck and she caressed it slowly for a moment before inching forward. The moment Lexa’s lips met hers, little shots of electricity began coursing through her skin. Clarke let her tongue steal forward, briefly brushing against Lexa’s and the sensation sent a shiver straight to her core. Lexa pulled back, just a little, but Clarke grabbed at her bottom lip and pulled her back in. She wasn’t ready to stop, not yet. She swallowed the whimper that was in her fighting to escape her throat and shifted when she felt Lexa’s hand on her waist, pulling her in closer. Her body was on fire and all she wanted to do was get lost in that moment forever. Lexa inhaled deeply, allowing the kiss to continue for a few more feverish seconds, before slowing and then finally, pulling away. Clarke opened her eyes slowly, afraid of what she might see. 

“Wow,” Clarke finally said when she found her voice. “Like, seriously, just wow.”  
Lexa swallowed hard. “What do you think?”  
Clarke stared at her, her face was unreadable and suddenly, all of her courage abandon her. “I don’t know,” she replied, caving into the fear that was starting to overwhelm her. “What about you?” She added quickly, hoping for a hint at what, if anything, Lexa was feeling.  
“I…I think that it’s probably time for you to go.” Lexa finally answered, with a funny tone in her voice and an almost pained look in her eyes. “I have to leave soon.”  
Clarke’s lips parted once more, but this time from utter shock. She didn’t know what she had expected, but that certainly wasn’t it. Feeling defeated and not knowing what to say, she simply nodded and left without saying anything at all.

By the time she hit the elevator, tears were already bursting from her eyes. She fucked up. This was a mistake.

************************************************************************************************************************************************** 

Clarke was now tucked into her bed with her sketchpad long abandoned on her night stand and the lights turned off. The memory of her first kiss with Lexa had left a silly little smile playing on her face. 

God, they had been so stupid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. I know that the layout of this one is a little weird, but there is a reason. However, the last couple of days, I keep finding myself going back and forth as to whether I want to take this down or keep on going. 
> 
> So, to any of you who are willing to help me with this internal debate, I'd really appreciate hearing from you.
> 
> What do you think?


	9. Chapter 9

A couple of days had passed and Lexa was sitting at her desk up to her neck in paperwork and trying desperately to focus. This was proving more and more difficult as all that she could think about anymore was Clarke. Anya’s comment about the floodgates opening was still fresh in her mind. She shook her head, grinning as she suddenly remembered how foolishly she had acted after she and Clarke had actually kissed for the first time.

********************************************************************************************************************************************* 

Lexa was sitting in her parent’s living room, waiting for her mother. That morning, she and Clarke had kissed and it had been, in one word, perfect. It felt amazing and wonderful, but then when Clarke didn’t seem to have the same reaction, or much of one at all, the only thing that Lexa wanted to do was get out of there as fast as she could.

Suddenly her phone began to go crazy and Lexa rolled her eyes, almost afraid to look at it. 

O: LEXA!! >:( What did you do?!  
Raven: Are you kidding me???!  
Raven: Anya, are you with her?? Smack the shit out of her!  
Anya: I am not. What am I missing?  
Raven: Lexa kissed Clarke, and then asked her to leave!  
Anya: Smooth.  
O: Lexa! Fix this!  
Lexa: There’s nothing to fix. It was just a kiss.  
O: What?! Are you crazy? You just devastated her!

Lexa stared at the phone. What the hell was Octavia talking about?  


Lexa: What are you talking about? Clarke said it herself – it was just a kiss.  
O: Are you really that blind?  
Raven: Seriously, how can you be so hot and yet, so dumb?  
Lexa: Fuck you, Raven.  
Raven: Pass. Clarke on the other hand...  
Lexa: Stop that!  
Anya: Ok, that’s enough. Raven, stop being an ass. Lexa, stop being so stupid.  
O: Lexa, listen, we can all see how much you care for her, but what you can’t see is that she cares just as much about you. She feels the same way that you do!  
Raven: STOP BEING STUPID, STUPID!

Lexa threw her phone onto the couch. She didn’t want to do this. Well, she did, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t. Clarke had barely even reacted after they kissed. What if they were wrong? Clarke meant so much to her, too much. From the moment they’d exchanged their first words, it was like they’d known each other forever. She never wanted to return to a time where she didn’t know Clarke. If they were wrong and things went bad, she could lose her and if she lost her, then she’d lose herself. There was something in their friendship, something bigger than both of them. She needed Clarke.

********************************************************************************************************************************************* 

Lexa phone suddenly began to ring, pulling her out of her thoughts. Quickly she picked it up and brought it to her ear. “Lexa Woods,” she said quickly. “Hello?”  
“Hi,” Clarke’s hesitant voice came though the phone.  
“Clarke?” Lexa’s eyebrows went up curiously. Why in the world was Clarke calling her? “How did you get this number?”  
“I didn’t. I called your fathers office and they patched me through. I just wanted to make sure that you were okay,” Clarke explained quietly, “after, you know, Raven, being Raven.”  
“Yes, I’m fine.” Lexa assured her. “I think once you’re used to Raven, you never actually become unused to her.”  
Clarke laughed lightly and Lexa leaned back in her chair enjoying the sweet sound. “We should have lunch sometime.” The words left her mouth on their own accord. “What do you think?”  
“I think breakfast would be better.” Clarke responded quickly.  
“Yes, breakfast is always better.” Lexa agreed as her lips stretched into a smile.  
“Well, how about tomorrow?” Clarke asked suddenly. She almost sounded hopeful.  
Lexa stood up, not sure of the right way to respond. She rubbed her forehead lightly. Was it wrong to go to breakfast with Clarke? No. She decided. It was just breakfast. Plus, how could she try to repair their friendship if she didn’t actually see her.  
“Remember that diner a few blocks from your place? We could meet there.” Clarke’s voice came again. “Lexa?”  
“I’m here,” Lexa answered, “Tomorrow would be great. What time?”  
“Eight o’clock?” Clarke suggested.  
“I look forward to it.” Lexa accepted.  
“Me too,” Clarke sounded pleased. “Okay. I’ll let you get back to whatever you were doing now.”  
“Bye Clarke.” Lexa said as hung up the phone and sunk back into her chair.

Not a moment later, she was sucked right back into that memory.

********************************************************************************************************************************************* 

Two days had passed since they had kissed, and they had been the longest two days of Lexa’s life. She missed Clarke. She missed talking to her and texting her; she missed just being around her. As she crossed through the quad that afternoon, her eyes fell on Clarke and she froze in her tracks. She was sitting at a picnic table with Octavia, Raven, Lincoln, Bellamy and Anya. She didn’t look right. Was she tired? Sick? Sad? Lexa’s feet began to carry her forward and it was Octavia’s eyes who found her first. She gave her a compassionate stare, a warm smile developing on her face. Next it was Raven, who smirked and elbowed Anya. Finally Clarke looked up and as soon as her eyes found Lexa she was on her feet and walking away as fast as she could.

“Clarke,” Lexa’s voice called out on its own accord. “Clarke, stop.”  
Clarke stopped and turned to face her. Her eyes looked wet and pained, her body seemed oddly stiff as she shook her head quickly. “Look Lexa,” she began, “you were right. I was wrong to push the kiss. I just thought that if I thought about it and you thought about it, then, you know, maybe we could…that we must want more, but, I was wrong and I’m sorry.”  
Lexa stood silent, her brow furrowed, but her eyes focused and suddenly she was able to see what Octavia was talking about.  
Fear was quickly developing in Clarke’s eyes. “Can we just forget about it?” She asked quietly, her eyes pleading. “Can we just pretend it didn’t happen?”  
“No.” Lexa answered firmly. “I can’t do that.”  
Clarke’s head should briefly as more tears built in her eyes. “Lexa,” she croaked, “please, I’m sorry, I…”  
“Are you?” Lexa questioned, but Clarke only stared at her feet, swallowing hard and holding her silence. Lexa stepped forward, leaving on a few inches between them. “I’m not.”  
“You’re…” Clarke looked up, her blue eyes finding Lexa’s. “What do you…”

Lexa stepped forward, one hand going to Clarke’s neck as the other settled on her waist, she pulled her in and closed the gap between them. As their lips met Clarke exhaled quickly and wrapped her arms around her neck as if holding on for her life. A fire began to spread through Lexa’s chest as she turned her head and deepened the kiss even further, releasing everything she’d been holding in. A sound escaped Clarke as she clenched her hands, trying to pull her impossibly closer. 

Lexa slowed the kissed and pulled back slightly, pressing her forehead against Clarke’s. “I want this,” she whispered. “I want you.”  
Clarke smiled adoringly as her eyes widened and a tear spilled down her cheek. “You do?”  
“I do,” Lexa smiled back as she brushed the tear from Clarke’s face. “I really do,” she told her as she brought their lips together once more and the sound of their friends celebrating filled her ears.

********************************************************************************************************************************************* 

That night Lexa found herself sitting in a bar. She should have stayed home, she knew that, but she didn’t want to. She didn’t want to be alone in her apartment, yet again. She was working her way through her forth drink while she continued exchanging glances with a very attractive brunette at the other end of the bar. This had been going on for awhile now, just slightly seductive glances thrown back and forth, no words. 

Finally downing her drink, Lexa got to her feet and made her way into the ladies room, wondering if the brunette would dare to follow. As she stood at the sink washing her hands, she heard the bolt snap on the bathroom door. Moving her eyes in that direction, she found the brunette leaning against the door, with a thirst visible in her dark eyes.

“I’m not looking for anything.” Lexa told her firmly as she dried her hands.  
The brunette approached slowly. “Neither am I,” she said quickly before crashing their lips together. 

Lexa felt a familiar warmth at her core as she pushed the woman against the sink, dragging her skirt higher. The woman let out a whimper as her nails scraped into Lexa’s back, causing her body to being moving rhythmically. Lexa felt the woman fumbling with her belt, making quick work of it before she undid the buttons and thrust her hand down into her pants. Lexa inhaled sharply, slipping her own hand up under the brunette’s skirt and grinning to herself when the woman gasped loudly and fumbled a little. 

Lexa knew that this wouldn’t take long and her thought was proven right only a few moments later when the woman’s entire body tensed as she let out a heavy moan and bit down hard on her neck. Lexa let her ride it out, not minding at all that it had happened so fast. In fact, with things being what they were, faster was actually better. When the woman regained her sense, she quickly spun them around and dropped to her knees, taking Lexa’s pants with her. 

Lexa sighed and let her head fall back. She needed this.

An hour later though, Lexa was back at her apartment, pouring over paperwork, when a knock came from the door and Anya walked in, carrying a rather large box. “Here’s that stuff that you asked for,” she said placing the box on the table. “Thought I’d drop it off on my way home,” she turned and stopped short, instantly eyeing Lexa.  
“What?” Lexa shrugged quickly.  
“I see someone made a meal of you,” Anya responded, looking unimpressed.

Lexa didn’t have to ask, she could guess. The bite had left a mark.

“So, what’s her name?” Anya questioned her.  
“I didn’t ask.” Lexa answered quickly.  
“Christ. Listen, just do me a favor,” Anya pinched the bridge of her nose, “and keep in mind that this isn’t Bangkok.”  
Lexa’s eyes narrowed as an annoyance built up un her stomach. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”  
Anya sighed. “You know who you are, and you know where you are,” she told her plainly, “don’t be stupid.”  
Lexa shook her heard stubbornly. “I’ll tell you what, Anya,” she said through her gritted teeth. “I’ll stay out of your sex life and you stay out of mine.”  
“Hey idiot,” Anya snapped suddenly, her eyes sharpening and her jaw clenched. “I’m not the bad guy, remember?”  
“Well then, what the hell?” Lexa snapped back.  
“Look, I know that you have your own way of doing things, of coping,” Anya explained firmly, “but, everyone’s eyes are on you now. Just use your head,” she slapped the side of Lexa’s head lightly, “this one, idiot.”  
Lexa wanted to be angry, she really did, but she couldn’t. She knew that Anya was right, even if she didn’t have the details. “You’re right,” she submitted.  
“No shit,” Anya shrugged. “You know that I’m only looking out for your best interests.”  
Lexa nodded. “I was just, frustrated.”  
“You’re human,” Anya said plainly. “I get it. You’re under a lot of pressure. Just don’t be stupid. Okay? I’ll see you tomorrow.”  
“Right,” Lexa said, now feeling stupid.

After Anya left, Lexa threw herself into a shower, trying to wash away every trace of the brunette. Afterward, she stood in the bathroom staring in the mirror at the teeth marks on her neck. “Great,” she mumbled to herself.

It was fair to say that while she was in Bangkok she had definitely fallen into periods of promiscuity. While she could easily take care of herself, sometimes, she just needed someone else there. It helped to relieve another sort of tension, another sort of ache. But Anya was right, she needed to keep in mind how different things were now and how here, now under everyone’s gaze, her random, sexual endeavors would probably not go unnoticed for very long. She didn’t want that to become one of the things she was known for.

“Get it together, idiot,” she told herself before falling asleep.

The following morning as Lexa got ready to meet Clarke for breakfast she tried, in vain, to cover the mark on her neck. It was too high for her collar to cover it, and makeup wasn’t helping either. Finally she relented and simply put a large band aid over it. What else could she do? Aside from her breakfast with Clarke, Lexa had a couple of meetings later and that was the last thing she wanted people looking at. 

It was just before eight when Lexa entered the diner. She remembered this place, she had been there many times. It was a small place, with a short counter on one side and very narrow booths on the other. It was slightly dark, but warm, cozy. Lexa liked it. Clarke was already there, tucked into a booth and nursing a cup of coffee.

“You look tired.” Lexa said as she slid into the booth.  
Instantly Clarke perked up. “No. Well, maybe a little,” she admitted. “I just got out of work.”  
“Oh,” Lexa said quietly, “you should have said you were working last night. We could have gotten breakfast another time.”  
“Its fine,” Clarke waved off her words,” besides, meeting up this morning was my idea, remember?”  
Lexa thought back. She had recommended lunch, but yes, it was Clarke that had suggested breakfast and when. She grinned lightly and gave a nod. A moment later the waitress came and took their orders. 

“So, how was work?” Lexa asked, trying to find something to talk about that wasn’t from their past.  
“Long,” Clarke answered. “Usually is though. I have to be back at three o’clock.”  
“Shouldn’t you be getting some rest then?” Lexa questioned her.  
“I will,” Clarke replied simply, “after breakfast. I’m starving.”  
“And you love breakfast.” Lexa added pointedly.  
“I do love breakfast,” Clarke smiled. “Best meal of the day.  
Lexa nodded in agreement.

They went back and forth for awhile talking about Clarke’s night at work and some of the people she had been on shift with. The conversation was simple and pleasant, normal. It was nice.

“So, what’s on your agenda today?” Clarke asked as the waitress placed their food in front of them.  
“A board meeting at eleven,” Lexa replied, “and an interview with some tech magazine at one, I think,” she finished and placed a forkful of eggs into her mouth.  
“An interview, huh?” Clarke smiled. “Exciting stuff,” she said as she reached down, clearly without thought, and took a piece of bacon off of Lexa’s plate.  
Lexa tried and failed to hide her smirk as she watched Clarke eating her bacon.  
“What?” Clarke questioned her, so obviously oblivious to what she had just done.  
“I guess mine’s still better.” Lexa told her as she motioned to the bacon.  
Clarke’s eyes went wide with shock. “Oh God, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to do that,” her face what quickly turning red. “Here you can have some of mine. I’m sorry.”  
“Clarke, stop. Really, it’s fine,” Lexa assured her. “Just eat.”  
Clarke was clearly embarrassed and they ate quietly for a few minutes while she recovered.  
“What happened to your neck?” Clarke asked, finally breaking the silence.  
Lexa froze for a second. “Nothing,” she replied calmly.  
Clarke’s eyes narrowed and the tiniest smirk appeared on her face. “Lexa?”  
“What?” Lexa asked looking up. Her eyes met Clarke’s and she swore they gave her away. “It’s nothing. Stop it.”  
Clarke’s smirk widened. “You’ve been raging,” she stated matter-of-factly.  
Lexa cleared her throat. “I do not rage.”  
“Yeah, well, you should,” Clarke responded playfully, “you’re hot.”  
“Stop it,” Lexa told her, feeling her cheeks burn, but the corner of her mouth twitched, as she remembered doing this before.

She swallowed hard. Did Clarke really just say that she was hot?

Clarke chuckled. “Does it hurt?”  
Lexa shrugged slightly. “Not really,” she answered quietly.  
“Can I see it?" Clarke asked curiously.  
Lexa stared at her. “Seriously?”  
Clarke nodded.  
Lexa sighed and pulled back the band aid to show her.  
“Shit,” Clarke scoffed waving her hand. “I’ve done worse.”  
Again Lexa felt her cheeks burn as her body temperature began to climb. The last thing that she needed to be thinking about was sex with Clarke and she was cursing the way her body reacted to the thought. “Fuck,” she chuckled, slightly embarrassed and shook her head.  
Clarke erupted in laughter.  
“You haven’t changed a bit, Griffin.” Lexa smirked slightly.  
“Of course I have,” Clarke shrugged, still laughing. “We all have. You’re not being nearly as mean as I remember.”  
Lexa’s face fell instantly as her stomach bottomed out. “That’s how you remember me?” She questioned harsher than she intended.  
Clarke’s eyes snapped at attention. “I didn’t mean it like that,” she replied quickly. “I just meant…”  
“What Clarke?” Lexa questioned as she pushed her plate away. “What did you mean?”  
“Look, you really hurt me, okay?” Clarke answered defensively as her shoulders sank. “One day you were here and you were mine, and then literally the next day, you were just gone and you didn’t want anything to do with me.”  
Lexa felt her body go rigid. She needed to leave. She needed to leave, right now. Swallowing hard, she deposited a twenty dollar bill on the table and walked out without another word.

She hit the street with a quick pace, desperate to get away from there. She needed to put her focus into anything that wasn’t Clarke right now. She couldn’t think about it. She couldn’t think about how she had hurt her. Deciding to take a shortcut, Lexa slipped into an alley furiously running her fingers through her hear. She was sure she probably looked like a crazy person.

“Hey!” Clarke’s voice echoed through the alley and turning, Lexa found her storming toward her with her eyes blazing. “You don’t get to do that!” She snapped harshly, slamming her hands into Lexa’s chest and forcing her up against the wall.  
“I didn’t…” Lexa began awkwardly and lowered her gaze.  
“You did!” Clarke yelled. “I tell you that you hurt me and you just walk away! You know it happened. Everyone knows it happened. Fucking face it. Face me!”

Lexa raised her eyes and when they met Clarke’s she was faced with something that she wasn’t prepared for. Tears. Clarke stared into her eyes as tears streamed down her cheeks and Lexa’s heart sank. “Clarke…” she began.  
“No,” Clarke cut her off sharply. “Not a word. Not one, fucking word,” she practically growled as she grabbed Lexa by her collar and crashed their lips together.

The kiss was beyond rough and needy, it was absolutely desperate. Clarke bit down hard on her lip, not asking, but demanding an entrance and when Lexa parted her lips she tasted the faint trace of blood and familiar taste of Clarke. A moment later a whimper escaped her throat as Clarke ran her tongue soothingly across her lower lip and stepped back. 

Lexa stared at her in disbelief. Did that really just happen? Clarke’s chest was heaving as her blue eyes, with blown pupils burned into the green of Lexa’s. She turned and walked away, leaving Lexa there with tear filled eyes, a bleeding bottom lip and an aching in her heart that she knew time would never ease.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, to everyone who responded - I really appreciated hearing from you.


	10. Chapter 10

Clarke jumped into her car and quickly turned over the ignition. What the fuck? She needed to get out of there. She needed to get out of there now. A few moments later, as she sat at a red light, she firmly pressed her head back into the headrest of her seat with her mind reeling. What the hell happened? Everything had been going so good. They were just having a pleasant breakfast and then the next thing that she knew, all hell had broken loose. Lexa had gotten so angry so fast and then she just walked out. She just walked out! Again! How could she do that? How could she just toss some money on the table like it was nothing and simply walk away? God! It was just, infuriating!

Somewhere, deep inside, Clarke knew that she had been aching to kiss Lexa, even more so after she’d realized that someone else had been on her. That much, she could admit to herself. It was wrong and she knew it, however, regardless of the ache, she had absolutely no intention of actually doing it. It just happened so fast. She just got so upset, so caught up, and it just happened. She needed to get home. She needed to sort this out, and now, she needed to apologize to Lexa – again. How was she messing this up so badly? How had she gone from having complete control in her life to none at all?

Finally crossing the threshold into her apartment, Clarke quickly made a beeline for the bedroom. “Fuck,” she muttered to herself as she collapsed on to the bed, “fuck, fuck, fuck…”

She needed to sleep, just sleep and not think or at least, not think about Lexa, but after that kiss – it just seemed harder than ever. Everything about it was the same as she remembered. The feel, the way their lips moved together, ugh – she even tasted the same and it made something inside of Clarke just scream out. 

Once upon a time, she had been so afraid to kiss Lexa, so afraid to just take that leap and now, fuck, her body seemed to take the leap on its own volition, without even considering her. Clarke rolled over and smashed her face into the pillow, suddenly remembering the aftermath of their first kiss.

********************************************************************************************************************************************* 

Clarke hit the street and quickly pulled out her phone. Fuck. Fuck! She was wrong. God, she was so wrong. She shouldn’t have kissed her– she shouldn’t have even suggested it. The look on Lexa’s face. Fuck, her face. There was nothing – nothing. She didn’t feel it, she didn’t feel anything. 

Clarke: I fucked up.  
Raven: Fuck. The toaster again, Griffin? Ugh, don’t worry. I’m sure I can fix it, AGAIN!  
O: Please, define fucked up.  
Clarke: Lexa and I kissed.  
Raven: Nice!!!  
O: About time.  
Clarke: No!   
Clarke: It’s not a good thing!  
Raven: Really? Was she that bad?  
O: Clarke? What happened?  
Clarke: She doesn’t feel the same way that I do. I knew that she didn’t.  
Clarke: I told you that she didn’t!  
O: What?  
Raven: Bullshit!  
Clarke: Rae, she just asked me to leave!  
Clarke: Fuck. I ruined everything.  
O: Where are you?  
Clarke: On my way home.

Getting back to her apartment, Clarke immediately dropped herself into her bed, no longer able to control the sobs that were escaping her. This was bad. So bad. Why was she so stupid? She should have just left it alone. What they had was so great and now, everything was going to be different, everything was going to be weird. Out of all of the people that she had to fall for, why did it have to be Lexa?

“Hey…” Octavia said softly as she slid on to the bed, curling herself around her from behind.  
Clarke released a slight whimper, acknowledging her presence.  
“It’s going to be alright,” Raven said as she appeared in front of her, brushing the hair out of her eyes.  
“It’s not,” Clarke shook her head. “You didn’t see her face.”  
“We’ll figure it out,” Octavia assured her calmly.  
“I should have just left it alone.” Clarke told them. “How could I think…”  
“Clarke, it doesn’t add up,” Raven added. “Even Anya thinks that she’s head over heels for you.”  
“Well, you were all wrong,” Clarke snapped lightly, “because we kissed and there was just – nothing.”  
“You didn’t feel anything?” Octavia asked curiously as she rubbed her arm.  
“Me?” Clarke’s eyes went wide. “I felt everything. God, it was like the whole world spun around me!”  
“And Lexa?” Raven adjusted herself on the bed. “Did you guys talk about it?”  
Clarke shook her head. “She just stared at me,” she shrugged feebly, “and then said that she thought that I should go, so I left.”   
“We’ll figure it out.” Octavia repeated. “Raven’s right. Something just doesn’t add up. We’ve all seen the way that Lexa looks at you.”  
“Yeah,” Raven scoffed with a quick nod. “Fuck. It’s like you’re the most amazing thing that she’s ever seen.”

*********************************************************************************************************************************************

Clarke rolled over in her bed and glanced at the clock. Fuck. Time to get up. Shit. Well, that was pointless. Releasing a slight grunt, she kicked off her blankets and stomped over to her closet. A month ago, if someone would have told her that seeing Lexa again would have thrown her into a loop like this, she probably would have told them that they were crazy. But now, well, shit. What a damn mess.

After quickly getting changed, Clarke freshened up and made her way back out to her car and back to the hospital, just hoping for a quick and easy shift.

Hours later though, the shift was just dragging on and really, she was feeling it. Clarke pulled out her phone to check the time and suddenly remembered that she was only pulling a half shift today and would be able to leave soon. Yes! She just needed to go home and get back into bed. With each hour that slipped by, Clarke found herself becoming more and more tired and the more tired she became, the more that her mind seemed to drift. 

It was like she had no control, the memories just kept coming and at time point, each one was sweeter than the one before it.

********************************************************************************************************************************************* 

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Lexa asked as she glanced up from her book.  
“Like what?” Clarke smiled warmly.  
“Like that,” Lexa took off her glasses and pointed at her. “What is that smile about?”  
“I just,” Clarke felt her smile widen a little. “I can’t believe that you’re really mine.”  
A light flush quickly spread across Lexa’s cheeks as the corners of her mouth lifted into a smile. “I can’t believe that you couldn’t tell.”  
“That you liked me too?” Clarke asked her curiously as she closed her notebook.  
Lexa set her book on the table and slid closer on the couch. “That I was already yours,” she answered softly.  
Clarke felt a warmth spread through her entire body. “You didn’t exactly make it easy,” she told her with a slight smirk.  
Lexa brought her hand up and touched her cheek lightly. “Neither did you,” she whispered before inching closer and closing the gap between them.

A sensation quickly spread through Clarke and again she knew, just like she had after their first kiss – she never wanted to kiss anyone else again.

*********************************************************************************************************************************************

Clarke rolled over to the sound of her phone going off on the nightstand. Holy shit. She had been so tired, she barely even remembered crawling into bed.

O: Farmers Market today – you in?  
O: Clarke?  
Raven: Clarke!  
Raven: Wake up time!

Clarke thought back to what Wells had said about a girl’s day.

Clarke: Relax, I’m up.  
Clarke: And yes, I’m in.

A couple of hours later as the trio were walking through the market, Clarke froze on the spot when Lexa crossed in front of them. She was dressed somewhat casually, with her hair down and large aviator sunglasses on. Of all the people to run into right now! Clarke’s gaze went to the split in her lip. Shit. Totally noticeable.

“Damn Commander,” Raven’s voice rang out. “You piss somebody else off?”  
“Something like that,” Lexa replied quietly and Clarke frowned a bit.  
“Tsk tsk,” Raven clicked at her. “You have to stop doing that. You’re totally muffing up your pretty mug.”  
“I’ll keep that in mind,” Lexa nodded. “Enjoy your shopping,” she told them politely and walked off in the other direction.

“Fuck,” Clarke muttered as the guilt she was carrying rang out in her chest.  
“What’s wrong?” Raven questioned her curiously.  
“I know that face,” Octavia pointed at her, “that’s your guilty face. Clarke, what did you do?”  
“I just got upset,” Clarke defended herself quickly. “I was overwhelmed and I don’t – it just happened.”  
“You hit her?” Raven's eyes went wide.  
“Actually, I bit her,” Clarke admitted as she closed her eyes. “Fuck,” she breathed as her eyes snapped open and she ran off after Lexa.

“Lexa!” Clarke called as she caught up with her. “Lexa, wait!”  
Lexa spun around to face her, squaring her shoulders. “What is it, Clarke?” She questioned rather harshly.  
“Listen, I’m really sorry about….” Clarke paused and took a calming breath. “I was angry and then hurt, and then I don’t know…I guess that I wanted you to hurt too.”  
“Oh, I felt it,” Lexa responded straightforwardly, though she seemed to appreciate the reasoning.  
“I am so sorry,” Clarke shook her head.  
“Like you said,” Lexa nodded with a brisk shrug, “you were angry.”   
“Yes, but that’s no excuse.” Clarke responded firmly. “I crossed a line there.”  
“You did,” Lexa agreed quickly and then just stared at her before sighing. “Good thing that we’ve never given much consideration to lines though.”  
Clarke swallowed hard. “So, you’ll forgive me?” She asked hopefully.   
“Of course.” Lexa assured her.   
“Good,” Clarke sighed, knowing that the relief showing in her eyes, “because I really do want to be friends.”  
Lexa’s brow furrowed. “I really want that too,” her eyes were sincere.  
“Do you think, maybe, I could get your number?” Clarke asked cautiously.   
Lexa thought for a moment and then held out her hand. “Let me see your phone,” she told her.  
Clarke handed over her phone and watched as Lexa punched in her information. “Thanks,” she told her when she handed it back. “I should get going now, but I’ll text you. Okay?”  
“Have a good day, Clarke.” Lexa nodded. 

Clarke smiled, it was all that she could do. Tucking her phone back into her pocket, she turned and made her way back to Octavia and Raven, mentally trying to prepare herself for the shit storm that she was about to walk into.

“You got some ‘splaining to do,” Raven joked as she grinned and cocked an eyebrow at her.   
Octavia was giving her a look that held both disappointment and sympathy. “You sure do,” she finally said.  
“Time for a drink,” Raven told them with a clap.  
“Rae, it’s like, eleven o’clock in the morning,” Clarke argued. Not that it would be the first time that she’d ever had a drink so early.  
“Come on,” Octavia said grabbing her arm. “Something tells me that we’re going to need it.”

Shortly thereafter they were seated at a small table in a bar around the corner.

“Okay Griffin,” Octavia started, “now, what the actual fuck?”  
“Okay,” Clarke took a deep breath. “We went out to breakfast and everything was fine and normal until I made a comment about her not being as mean as I remember and she got totally offended. Then one thing led to another and I reminded her that she had hurt me, and then she just left. She just dropped some money on the table and walked out, and I just…I lost it.” Clarke paused and took another deep breath. “I chased after her and slammed her against a wall and screamed at her and then the next thing I knew I had kissed her and done, well – that.”  
Octavia took a sip of her drink and thought for a second. “You need two should stay away from each other,” she finally said.  
“What?” Clarke gasped at her words. “No. I don’t want to stay away from her, O. I missed her!”

No. Absolutely not. She didn't want to lose Lexa again – she had just got her back. No. That, was not an option.

“Clarke, I get it and on some twisted level, we’ve all missed her,” Octavia’s voice was calm and yet, slightly coarse, “but you and her – it’s really a volatile combination. You two are like, Lincoln and I, but on steroids, with speed – and a splash of Red Bull.”  
“Now you’re just exaggerating.” Clarke responded defensively. “We were great friends once.”  
“She’s totally not,” Raven giggled. “and you were way more than friends.”  
“Not always,” Clarke fired back and quickly took a sip of her drink.  
“Yes always,” Octavia snapped swiftly, “and that’s the point. You two might not have seen it, or acted on it but it was there. It was always there.”  
“And, sexually speaking,” Raven added, “you two together, God, you were really fucking insatiable.”

Clarke swallowed hard at Raven’s words. They were true. She knew they were true. Disgustingly true. Once Lexa and she had crossed over into that territory, they simply couldn’t get enough of each other and they didn’t much care who knew it. Just the mere thought of it sent a rippling effect throughout Clarke’s entire body, like a cord between her heart and her core was being twisted. 

“Okay, enough talking about that,” Clarke instructed firmly as she tried to steady herself.  
“You can’t even deny it,” Raven accused her in laughter.  
“Of course I can’t,” Clarke admitted furiously. “You know that I can’t. I never could.”  
“Then why put yourself in a position where you know that you don’t have control?” Octavia demanded. “You’re fucking engaged, Clarke and you are not that person. You need to figure your shit out.”  
Clarke stared into her glass as more guilt was building in her chest. “I can control it,” she responded feebly.  
“Now, that’s not exactly fair, O,” Raven interjected firmly. “It’s not like her and Lexa are sneaking off somewhere and sleeping together.”  
“What, you’re the sensible one now?” Octavia joked with a wave of her hand.  
“Look, it’s no secret, I’m totally on team Clexa, but…” Raven acknowledged with a shrug.  
“You hit the girl so hard that she had to have her face sewn back together,” Octavia argued.   
“And I would do it again. In fairness, the girl had a six year heads up,” Raven responded smoothly. “Regardless, my point is that what happened in that moment was fueled by a lot of pent up anger, hurt and history. I don’t believe for one second that Clarke went there with those intentions. You said it yourself, she’s not that person.”

In that moment Clarke’s heart filled with nothing but adoration for her friends. Raven was right, she hadn’t gone there with those intentions, but Octavia was right too, she needed to figure her shit out.

“You’re both right,” Clarke finally spoke. “I didn’t mean for it to happen, but it did and I’m with Wells now.”  
“So, you’re going to stay away from her?” Octavia inquired curiously.  
“No,” Clarke shook her head instantly, “absolutely not. Me marrying Wells or not marrying him has nothing to do with Lexa – that’s all on me.”  
“Are you starting to doubt how you feel about him?” Octavia asked and finished her drink.  
“No,” Clarke answered softly as she shook her head, “I know that I love him.”  
“But, not like you love Lexa,” Raven tipped her glass towards her with a knowing look.   
The statement made Clarke’s heart burn and ache. “Just because you love someone, it doesn’t mean that you end up with them,” she shrugged ever so slightly. “It doesn’t even mean that you should. Lexa and I gave it a shot. I chose her and she chose Bangkok.”  
Raven nodded and leaned forward on the table. “Yet still, you want to try to rekindle your friendship with her?”  
“I do,” Clarke confirmed quickly. “Yes.”  
“Fuck my life,” Octavia muttered with a slight eye roll.  
"Well, I'll tell you one thing," Raven said as a wide grin appeared on her face and she crossed her arms. "This is going to be interesting.”


	11. Chapter 11

Lexa stumbled through her apartment. It had been hours since she had fled the farmers market and she was drunk, really drunk, but not too drunk and regardless, she knew that it was a bad idea. After running into Clarke earlier, she just needed to get lost, she needed to forget the look in Clarke’s eyes, the sincerity in her voice and God, the feel of her lips. They had been the same, exactly how Lexa had remembered them – everything was the same and when she bit down, yes, there had been pain, but there had also been something else. Something familiar and it made her ache with a longing that she had never been able to shake. Her longing for Clarke. 

“No,” Lexa shook her head quickly as she dropped down into the chair at her desk. “Stop it,” she told herself as she shuffled through some papers and then poured herself another drink. This was so pointless.

There was a fine line, just as there had always been, only now, it was the problem. She wanted Clarke back in her life, she had missed her and still needed her, but still, at moments, it was just so hard to be around her. To be near her and know that she was no longer hers, that she belonged to someone else now and soon, she’d belong to them forever. It was painful and it was wrong, but she wasn’t going to break. She could do this. She could.

The truth was, she couldn’t really fault Clarke for getting upset with her when they had breakfast, after all, Clarke had been right – she had run away. She didn’t mean to, she just had to. It was just too much to take. The fact that after everything they had shared together – all of Lexa’s sweetest memories, Clarke could use only one word to sum her up. Just one word to show how she remembered her. Mean. That had been like a searing bullet shooting directly through her heart and she couldn't take it. Clarke had remembered her, the same way that people were going to remember her parents and that realization, was just too much to handle.

With a heavy growl, Lexa launched her glass across the room, dropping her head into her hands as the sound of the shattering glass filled her ears. She wasn’t them. She wasn’t like them. She wasn’t. Clarke always said that she wasn’t.

********************************************************************************************************************************************* 

“Babe?” Clarke’s voice filled her ears.

Lexa was lying on her bed with tear stained cheeks, feeling just completely exhausted on every level. She had gotten home sometime just before dawn, after spending what had been a grueling four days working side by side with her father and now, all that she wanted to do was lay there and cry, but she'd forgotten that she told Clarke that she would be back this morning.

Lexa quickly sat up and wiped off her cheeks. “You’re here early,” she said when Clarke stepped into the doorway.  
“I wanted to see you,” Clarke smiled at her. “I missed…” she paused, clearly taking in the look of her.  
“I’m fine,” Lexa assured her, shaking her head lightly.  
“You’re not,” Clarke frowned as she moved forward and sat down beside her, taking her in her arms. “What happened?”  
Lexa swallowed hard as a new rush of tears filled her eyes. Just being with Clarke again released such a sense of relief that it was almost over powering. “I don’t want to be like them,” she said quietly.  
“You’re not like them,” Clarke responded instantly. “You could never be like them.”  
“But, I am.” Lexa shook her head. “I was so horrible to this kid – he was just trying to do his job, but he screwed it up and I just – I lost it on him,” tears slipped down her cheeks, “and then I just froze, because I realized that I was him. I was my father.”  
“Losing your temper does not make you like your father.” Clarke’s tone was firm. “You have emotions, like everybody else and sometimes, when things go wrong, you’re going to get angry and lose you shit. It happens to everyone. You’re human.”  
“I know that I'm human. I just,” Lexa shook her head again. “I don’t want to be cruel.”  
“Baby,” Clarke smiled warmly, “you could never be cruel. You don’t have a cruel bone in your body. You’re parents are everything that you could never be – you’re just not capable, and you – well, you’re everything that they’re not capable of being. Hell, they should be jealous of you.”  
Lexa tried and failed to stifle a chuckle. “Jealous?”  
“Well, yeah.” Clarke grinned at her. “You are pretty amazing, after all.”  
Lexa felt her lips stretch into a smile as her heart swelled with warmth. “No,” she said softly. “I’m quite certain that that’s you.”  
Clarke inched her head down and pressed their lips together. 

Though they had only been dating for a short period of time, every kiss still sent shots of electricity shooting through Lexa’s body. It didn’t take long for the kiss to heat up, but before it could go any further, Lexa pulled back. She didn’t want to, but she had to. She didn’t want it like this. Not like this.

“Ugh,” Clarke groaned, but grinned at her again. “You’re going to be the death of me.”  
“Then I’ll be the death of us both,” Lexa smiled lightly and placed another quick kiss on her lips.

********************************************************************************************************************************************* 

Lexa’s eyes snapped opened at the sound of her front door opening. Quickly she sat up and busied herself shuffling papers. Fucking crap. She didn’t need this right now. She just needed to get herself good and drunk and forget. Just, forget. That was all she wanted.

“Hey,” Anya said as she stepped through the door.  
“I’m kind of busy right now, Anya.” Lexa replied, concentrating hard on her pronunciations.  
“I’m sure,” Anya replied as she walked closer. "You’re always busy, but I had to drop off these and find out when you wanted to…what the hell happened to your face now?”  
Lexa stopped moving instantly, feeling herself sober a bit. Well shit. “I don’t want to talk about it,” she shook her head, avoiding eye contact.  
“Lexa,” Anya’s tone hardened. “Did someone hurt you? Did Raven hit…”  
“No,” Lexa shook her head quickly. “No one hurt me. It wasn’t like that. It,” she paused and braced herself. Ah fuck, here we go. “It was Clarke.”  
“Clarke?!” Anya’s eyes went wide with shock. “Lexa, I told you…”  
“I didn’t do anything!” Lexa defended herself as she jumped to her feet, quickly losing her balance and falling back into the chair again.  
Anya stared at her. “You’re drunk,” she noted.  
“Not nearly drunk enough,” Lexa pointed out quickly. “Grab me another glass, will you?”  
Anya sighed and rolled her eyes, but did as she was asked and walked over to retrieve not one, but two glasses. “Okay,” she said when she returned. “What happened?”  
Lexa took a long sip off of her drink. “Clarke and I had breakfast and it didn’t end well,” she motioned to her lip.  
“Did she hit you?” Anya asked curiously.  
“No,” Lexa gave her a completely affronted look. “Of course not. She would never.”  
“Then what the hell happened to your face?” Anya practically demanded. “First you’re eye and now your lip – people are going to think that you’re involved in some kind of fight club or something.”  
“That’d be pretty cool though,” Lexa grinned foolishly at her, “wouldn’t it?”  
“Lexa,” Anya scolded her, unamused.  
“Okay, okay. Clarke…um…she,” Lexa swallowed hard, “she bit me.”  
This time Anya’s eyes widened with fury. “Lexa,” she spat harshly, “I fucking told you not to. She’s engaged!”  
“It wasn’t like that,” Lexa insisted angrily. “Look. She just got upset. We were just talking and the conversation went really bad, really fast. I got up and left and she came after me. She was so fucking angry and emotional. It just, happened – she just lost it. It was just for a second, but we’ve already talked about it and she even apologized.”  
“Fuck,” Anya groaned and shook her head. “That girl has always been a firecracker of emotion.”  
Lexa nodded. It was totally true.  
“I knew that something like this was going to happen.” Anya sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. “I fucking knew it.”  
“What do you mean you knew?” Lexa’s face twisted up. “I didn’t even know.”  
“Yeah well, you’re an idiot.” Anya told her with a wave of her hand. “So, why did things go so bad?”

Instantly Lexa felt her heart sink again. Anya hated her parents just as much as she had. Somewhere, deep inside, with all of the time and space that had been between them, she couldn’t help but wonder if Anya might secretly hate her too – even though her heart protested against the very notion.

“Do you know how Clarke remembers me?” Lexa finally asked. “Like, in one word.”  
“One word?” Anya echoed as she thought for a moment. “Wonderful? Captivating? Beautiful? Precious? Sorry, I’m just trying to think of things that she used to…”  
“Mean,” Lexa cut her off. “That, is how Clarke remembers me.”   
Anya’s brow furrowed instantly. “I don’t buy it,” she shook her head in disbelief.  
“Well,” Lexa shrugged feebly, “that’s what she said.”  
“What exactly did she say?” Anya questioned her.  
Lexa tried to think back, which wasn’t too easy, considering how hazy her mind was at the moment. “You’re not nearly as mean as I remember,” she finally quoted. Yeah, that was it. Right?

They sat in silence for a few moments and again, Lexa felt that fiery bullet shoot through her chest. All of the words that Anya had chosen, had indeed, been words that Clarke had used to describe her at one time or another and hearing them again, just made the fact that Clarke had only remembered her as being mean, even worse. 

“Do you think,” Anya paused for a moment and swallowed. “Do you think that maybe she was just talking about that night?”  
Lexa blinked slowly, but didn’t respond.  
“Because, well, you know how mean you were to her…” Anya shrugged a little. “Not that I don’t totally understand why,” she quickly added and put her hand up, clearly taking in the scowl that had developed on her cousin’s face.

Lexa emptied her glass in one last sip and got to her feet. Had she been mean that night? Yes, she had been. Did she regret it? Hell no, not at all. In fact, if she found herself faced with the same choice again, she’d do it all the same, but that was beside the point – she wasn’t a mean person. She wasn’t like her parents. She wasn’t. She wasn’t! 

Lexa scoffed at herself as she shook her head and poured yet another drink.   
“Maybe you should tell her?” Anya suggested with a calm and cautious tone.  
“Tell her what?” Lexa asked offhandedly as she glanced at her.  
Anya’s eyebrows went up as her head tilted slightly with a silent indication.  
Lexa stared at her for a moment before the realization of what she was implying hit her. “Absolutely not,” she shut her down furiously. “Don’t you dare, Anya. You promised.”  
“Lexa,” Anya stood up quickly and took a deep breath. “Look, you say that you want to rebuild your friendship with Clarke, right?”  
“Right.” Lexa answered instantly. “I do. I really do. I have missed her, so much – it’s...”  
“Then tell her wh…” Anya started again.  
“I said, no,” Lexa cut her off, slamming her glass down on the bar. “No.”  
“Well, why not then?” Anya fired back in frustration. “How can you possibly even attempt to really rebuild your friendship with her, when everything that she remembers about what tore it apart – is a lie?”

Lexa shook her head. No. No. Absolutely not. She wasn’t going there. She wouldn’t. She couldn’t. The room began to tilt slightly as she took a deep breath and tried to steady herself against the fire that was suddenly raging inside of her. That was a ridiculous idea – a stupid suggestion. It wouldn’t make things easier or better - it didn't matter. Nothing would change what happened that night – nothing ever could.

“You promised me,” Lexa reminded her again as she took a step forward.  
“I know,” Anya sighed, instantly dropping her shoulders, “and I meant it. I just don’t understand why you won’t just…”  
“Because, I can’t and I don’t want to,” Lexa shook her head as she stumbled forward and dropped onto the couch. “Because, it doesn’t change anything.”  
“You don’t know that.” Anya countered quickly. “It could change everything.”  
“No.” Lexa shook her head again. “I’m not telling her, Anya and neither are you.”  
“But, Lexa, what if you just…” Anya tried again, but froze suddenly.  
Lexa stared at her, barely able to see her through the tears that had built in her eyes. “You promised me,” she repeated firmly before closing her eyes and allowing a tear to slip down her cheek. “You promised.”  
“Okay,” Anya finally agreed. “Okay.”  
“Thank you,” Lexa whispered, without opening her eyes.  
“Sleep it off, idiot.” Anya said softly as she draped a blanket over her. “We’ll get back to work tomorrow.”  
“Tomorrow,” Lexa mumbled before her drunken haze became a dark sleep.


	12. Chapter 12

Clarke rolled over in her bed. She was frustrated and felt like at any given moment she was probably going to burst. Ever since Raven had mentioned how insatiable she and Lexa had been sexually, that was all that she could find herself thinking about, really – it was just killing her. Her body was hot, and begging for a release, but she couldn’t – she wouldn’t, not with her head so full of Lexa, not thinking about Lexa. 

It wasn’t that she never had – she had, that much was true, but this was different. Lexa was back now, she had just seen her. Now, it was just so wrong. Somewhere, in the back of her mind, she also found herself feeling grateful that Wells worked a different shift than her, because even if he was there, with all the thoughts jumbled up in her head, sleeping with him would just be wrong too.

“Ugh,” Clarke grunted in frustration as she rolled over and tossed the blanket off of her body, reveling in the feel of the cool air against her burning skin as she tried and failed to think of anything besides Lexa.

*********************************************************************************************************************************************

They had been dating for a several weeks, but had been taking things slow, just becoming familiar with each other on this now more intimate level. Both of them knew that what they were feeling was way more than a simple physical attraction, but they also knew that taking that next step would change things, it would change them and though slow seemed like a good idea, it was proving to be more and more difficult as time passed. 

They were at Lexa’s apartment, curled up on the couch and lightly kissing when Lexa moved her lips to Clarke’s pulse point and suddenly everything changed. It wasn’t the first time that she had kissed her there, but now, with all of the longing that was burning inside of her, Clarke was sure she wanted more. Not only that she wanted it, she needed it – she needed Lexa. Her hips pushed forward in a seductive roll and as her body found the friction that it was craving, a whine escaped her throat, a whine that probably would have embarrassed her, had she been with anyone other than Lexa. 

Lexa shuddered against her as her breath hitched. Clarke scratched her nails lightly up Lexa’s sides, dragging her top up and exposing her toned stomach. Quickly she pushed at her own top and then pulled Lexa against her and when their skin met, it was fire and electricity all mixed together. Clarke instantly felt a familiar, warm sensation develop between her legs and she rolled her hips against Lexa again, practically begging for more of that same friction.

“Clarke…” Lexa breathed though her kiss as her grip became firmer.  
“I want you,” Clarke told her as she fisted the back of her shirt. “Baby...please...I...I want you so fucking bad.”  
Lexa whined slightly at her words and rolled her hips forward, clearly willing to give.  
“More,” Clarke croaked, her voice husky and full of lust. “Please...I need you.”  
Lexa pulled back and looked at her. The look was honest and full of affection, but also full of want and in that moment, Clarke knew that she was craving her just as badly.  
Lexa waited, steadying her breath.  
“Bed,” Clarke finally said, her voice coming way more dominant than she’d ever heard it. She paused for a second, slightly worried about how Lexa might react to the use of such a tone.  
Lexa however, looked at her with increasingly darkened eyes and responded quickly, capturing her mouth in a fiery kiss and lifting her off of the couch, carrying her toward the bedroom.  
Clarke couldn’t help but moan as she wrapped her legs tighter around Lexa, grinding her center against her stomach and kissing her even more feverishly.

Once in the bedroom Lexa slowly lowered her on to the bed and their bodies began to move rhythmically. Clarke felt Lexa’s hand slip under her top and up her side, finally reaching the lace of her bra, her thumb swiped over it and Clarke’s body arch into the touch before she leaned forward, forcing them upright. She broke the kiss and quickly slipped out of her top before pulling at the hem of Lexa’s shirt. Lexa hastily pulled her shirt over her head and discarded it somewhere on the floor.

“Those too,” Clarke told her, with that same dominant tone, as she motioned to Lexa’s pants.

Slowly, though without hesitation, Lexa undid her pants and as she did, Clarke undid her own and slipped them off. Now Lexa’s eyes were on her and for the first time ever, she didn’t feel nervous or embarrassed by this exposure. No, instead she felt desired and more importantly, safe. Reaching her hand back, she undid her bra and let her fall from her arms. She heard Lexa’s breath hitch in her throat and smirked. It made her feel beautiful. She waited patiently as Lexa undid her own bra and when that fell to the floor it was her turn to have her breath catch and Lexa’s turn to smirk before she leaned forward to capture her lips again.

*********************************************************************************************************************************************

“Fuck this,” Clarke said as she shot up of the bed and stormed into the bathroom where she quickly stripped off her clothes and threw herself into an icy shower, determined to quash her raging libido. It helped, not a lot, but some and when she was done, finally sleep took her.

The following morning Clarke rolled over and her eyes fell on Wells, sleeping peacefully next to her. She yawned lightly and slipped out of bed, trying not to wake him. She made her way into the kitchen where she made a quick cup of coffee before pulling out her phone and firing off a text to Octavia.

Clarke: So, are you still mad at me?  
O: It’s not that I’m mad at you. I just don’t understand why you’re doing this.  
Clarke: It’s important to me.  
O: I thought Wells was too.  
Clarke: That’s not fair.  
O: Maybe not, but it’s true. You’re getting married, Clarke.  
Clarke: I know.  
O: Then act like you know.

Clarke set her phone out and released a sigh. She didn’t know how to explain it. She couldn’t find the words.

The time that she had spent being with Lexa had been unlike anything that she had ever experienced and somewhere, deep in her heart, she secretly feared that she would never feel that again. To her, it had been real – realer than anything else. Being with Lexa had made her feel complete in a way that no other thing, human or not, ever had, but this wasn’t about that. This was something different.

Clarke: I don’t know how to explain it. We were so close, Octavia. I just – I really miss that.  
O: If you were so close then where the hell has she been for the last six years? She walked out that night and never so much as spit in your direction again. Not one phone call, an email – nothing!  
Clarke: I know.  
Clarke: But, if we can look passed it, why can’t you? Why are you so hell bent against us being friends?  
O: Seriously?  
O: Not only did the girl break your heart, but she ripped it out of your chest and then stomped on it while you watched. 

Clarke stared down at her phone. It was true. If she had to describe it, that would be a pretty accurate way to do it.

O: Look, Lexa talked a great game – she had us all fooled, but face it, Clarke, when it came down to it – you just couldn’t compete with billions of dollars.  
Clarke: That was way harsh, O.  
O: I’m sorry, but it’s true. Lexa hurt us all, but she hurt you the worst. What was it that she said to you that night? Do you remember?  
O: “You always knew that this would happen eventually.”  
O: Damn it - she used you!  
Clarke: Octavia!

Clarke slammed her phone down. She wouldn’t believe that. She couldn’t. Octavia was wrong. 

She and Lexa had been connected from the moment that they’d met and that connection, they both openly admitted later, was stronger than anything that either of them had ever experienced before. It was in every way and on every level, and it brought them both a sense of peace, calmness and happiness. It was the most significant and satisfying thing that Clarke had ever experienced. They understood each other, balanced each other – protected each other and took care of one another. It was real. It was.

Clarke: I’m so done with this conversation.  
O: Clarke.  
O: Come on, Clarke.  
O: Ugh fine. I’ll see you at dinner tomorrow.

Clarke stared at the message. Fuck. She’d forgotten that she and Wells were supposed to be having dinner with Octavia and Lincoln tomorrow night. Great. Just great.

It wasn’t that what Octavia was saying didn’t make any sense – it totally did. Lexa had leapt at the opportunity to run a new division at one of her parents companies and in the process, had left all of them in the dust and never looked back. It wasn’t just her that had been hurt, she knew that, though she did tend to forget. 

No one was really surprised that Lexa had gone to work for her parents, she always said that she would, regardless of her own ambitions. In fact, when it came to business, Lexa always put her own wants on the back burner.

*********************************************************************************************************************************************

Clarke was pacing the living room furiously. Lexa had been offered the opportunity to perform with the city’s symphony for a month over the summer and had turned it down because the dates conflicted with her work schedule.

Clarke: I seriously can’t even  
Lexa: It’s not that big of a deal.  
Clarke: Seriously?  
Clarke: It was a great opportunity and you passed on it!  
Lexa: Of course I did. I have my internship with my father.  
Clarke: Exactly! With your father. Just ask him to push it off for a few weeks.  
Lexa: Yeah, sure – I’ll get right on that.  
Clarke: Lexa :(  
Lexa: Drop it, and I’ll bring Chinese food when I come over?  
Clarke: Ugh!! That’s cheating!  
Lexa: Maybe.  
Lexa: Did it work?  
Clarke: No.  
Lexa: Are you sure?  
Clarke: Don’t forget the duck sauce.

A few hours later, they were sprawled out on the couch when Clarke started again. “Can you just help me understand?  
“I fed you.” Lexa said without looking at her. “You said that you’d drop it.”  
“Technically, I didn't," Clarke pointed out and then whined a little.  
Lexa sighed and looked at her. “I enjoy music, but let’s be real,” she shook her head. “I’m never going to pursue it.”  
“You don’t enjoy it, Lexa.” Clarke retorted quickly. “You love it.”  
“Perhaps, but it doesn’t matter. My future is already written.” Lexa explained with a shrug. “You know this.”  
“Why though?” Clarke asked briskly. “I don’t understand why you can’t just tell them that you don’t want that future.”  
Lexa repositioned herself on the couch and took a deep breath. “Clarke, we’ve had this conversation,” she said firmly. “Eventually, I’ll be working full time for my parents, regardless of anything else that might come along. Professionally speaking, for lack of a better term at the moment – that’s my endgame.”  
Clarke let out an exasperated breath. “Yeah,” she huffed as she got to her feet, “and how about personally speaking?”

As she went to walk away, Lexa reached out and grabbed her by the wrist, quickly standing up. “I thought that was obvious,” she said, looking her right in the eyes. “It’s you.”  
“Me?” Clarke’s eyebrows went up. “I’m your endgame.”  
“Clarke,” Lexa took a steadying breath. “I don’t care about where I end up professionally – I always knew that it was set and it’s never really bothered me. As far as music, I don’t even care if I never play again. What I do care about, is you. You, are all that I really want – all that I’ll ever want. As long as I have you,” she shook her head, “the rest doesn’t matter.”  
Clarke’s heart warmed and swelled at her words. “You’re all that I want too,” she smiled, feeling her cheeks flush.  
Lexa pulled her closer and dropped a light kiss on her lips. “Endgame,” she whispered.

********************************************************************************************************************************************* 

The following night Clarke sat having dinner with Wells, Lincoln and Octavia at a local, but fancier restaurant. They were discussing wedding venues when Clarke noticed Lexa and Anya several tables away. Come on, really?

“Uh oh.” Wells suddenly said. “Should I prepare for bloodshed?” He had noticed Lexa too.  
“No.” Clarke smiled and shook her head. “No, we’re fine.”  
“Excellent.” Wells smiled. “I’m glad to hear it.”

Just then Lexa looked up and noticed them, she raised her glass, giving them all an acknowledging nod and they all returned the gesture before returning to their meals and conversation. 

Later, they ended up at the front doors at the same time and Clarke groaned internally. Seriously, what were the chances? 

“Hello Lexa,” Clarke greeted her politely.  
“Clarke.” Lexa nodded and turned. “You must be Wells,” she extended her hand. “Lexa Woods.”  
Clarke couldn’t help but hold her breath.  
Wells shook her hand. “Pleasure,” he told her.  
Lexa shifted her gaze and nodded to Octavia, then turned all of her attention to Lincoln. “How are you?” She questioned him, swallowing hard.  
His smile was slight, but warm. “I am very well,” he told her as he tightened his grip on Octavia.  
“Actually, I believe that there are some congratulations in order,” Lexa said as she gripped one of Lincoln’s shoulders and one of Octavia’s as well, “however late it might be. I was thrilled for the two of you when I heard that you’d gotten married.”  
“Bellamy about burst,” Lincoln grinned at her.  
“Oh, come on,” Lexa grinned waved her hand. “There was never any doubt that you two would end up together. Everyone always knew it. You two were totally endgame.”

Instantly the air seemed to be sucked from Clarke’s lungs and she couldn’t get it back. Her heart began to pound and she thought the pressure in her ears might crush her. Turning quickly, she pushed through the double glass doors and tried to get away. 

Well’s followed behind her and grabbed her arm. “What’s wrong with you?” He questioned her quickly.  
Clarke didn’t answer, in fact she couldn’t. She was gasping for breath, but not receiving any and her heart was now racing painfully in her chest.  
“Let go of her,” Lincoln’s voice filled her ears. “She’s having a panic attack.”  
“Clarke, it’s okay,” Octavia tried.

Clarke turned away from them, placing her forehead against the building and continuing to gasp. It was getting worse. Her eyes were starting to burn and her body was trembling. She needed more air, now. 

Suddenly arms came around her waist, two hands holding her firmly at her stomach. She knew instantly that they didn’t belong to Wells. 

“Hear my voice,” Lexa said calmly in her ear. “Focus on it.”  
Clarke placed her hands on top of Lexa’s, continuing to gasp.  
“Breathe,” Lexa’s whispered. “I’m right here with you. You’re safe.”  
Clarke dug her blunt nails into Lexa’s hands and tried again. Nothing.  
“Hear my voice.” Lexa’s voice was soft but commanding. “Stay with me.”  
Clarke gasped again, finally feeling some air slip into her lungs.  
“Good. Now again,” Lexa said quietly, “I’m going to count now. You just focus and breathe.”  
Clarke nodded feverishly.  
“Five”  
The floor that Lexa’s apartment was on. Clarke she inhaled painfully.  
“Four.”  
The number of glasses that she had broken on Christmas. Clarke took another breath.  
“Three”  
The three musketeers. Clarke inhaled deeply. It was working.  
“Two.”  
Me and you. Clarke inhaled sharply, her brow knitting up in anguish at the very thought.

Before Lexa could get to one, Clarke squeezed her hands tightly. “I’m ok,” she assured her.

Instantly Lexa let go and took a step back and Clarke immediately missed the comfort of her embrace. Wells moved forward and put his hand on her shoulder, it didn’t help. 

“Thank you for that,” Wells told Lexa as he looked at her with wide eyes.  
Lexa nodded firmly at him and then brought her eyes to Clarke’s, her face was showing nothing but concern and compassion. They held their gaze for only another moment, before Lexa nodded again and walked away, followed closely by Anya.

An hour later, Clarke was back in her apartment, sipping on some wine and feeling both mortified and devastated by what had transpired. 

“I’ve never seen that happen to you before,” Wells said as he walked into the kitchen.  
“It hasn’t happened in a very long time,” Clarke told him as she set her glass down.  
“I’m glad that your friends were there,” he admitted as he poured his own glass of wine. “I wouldn’t have had the slightest idea what to do.”  
Clarke nodded, but really didn’t know what to say. There was nothing that anyone could have done, with the exception of Lexa, apparently.

She was in trouble and she knew it. She pulled out her phone.

Clarke: I have a problem.  
O: No shit.


	13. Chapter 13

Lexa was sitting at her desk, yet again, combing through a mountain of paperwork as Anya prepared lunch for them in the kitchen. The day, so far, had been long and grueling, but the two were doing their best to get through as much as they could – even with Lexa constantly spacing out. 

After witnessing Clarke’s panic attack the previous night, Lexa found that she could barely think of anything else. She hadn’t planned on running into Clarke, Lincoln and Octavia or meeting Wells – she was only there to have dinner and go over some things with Anya, but fate, it seemed, enjoyed torturing her. Though she was bitter about the fact that she had run into them all, again – she was also grateful, because had she not, then she wouldn’t have been able to help Clarke through what appeared to be an absolutely awful and painful attack. 

A knock at the door suddenly caught her attention and Lexa got to her feet and crossed the room. As she pulled the door open, her feet immediately took her back a step.

“Octavia,” Lexa said as she squared her shoulders.  
“Scared?” Octavia questioned with a grin as she popped an eyebrow at her.  
Lexa’s hands went up, one finger pointing to her busted eyebrow and another to her split lip.  
“Fair enough,” Octavia reasoned with a nod. “Though, I would recommend at least one more step back – I have a really good reach.”  
Lexa took another step back and then one to the side, silently motioning for Octavia to come inside.

As she crossed the threshold, Lexa took a deep breath. This wasn’t going to be pleasant and she knew it. Octavia had always been the mother bear type, and though she technically hadn’t done anything wrong, she had no doubt that Octavia was about to take a bite out of her.

“What can I do for you, Octavia?” Lexa asked as she closed the door.  
“Stay away from Clarke,” Octavia answered simply as she turned to face her. “She doesn’t need you filling her head with your bullshit – again.”  
Lexa took a deep breath and tightened her jaw. “You really think low of me,” she nodded. “Don’t you?”  
“You’re damn right I do,” Octavia’s eyes flashed with anger. “I think you get off on it. Using people. Hurting them, and then throwing them away like garbage.”  
Lexa swallowed hard, but said nothing.

She knew that there was nothing that she could say – nothing that was going to change Octavia’s opinion of her. Oh, she could argue it, but in the end, she’d still just have to accept it. While on some twisted level, she knew that she and Octavia were still friends, she also knew that that friendship was not free and she had left behind a massive debt.

“Clarke loved you – she trusted you and you hurt her deeper than anyone ever could,” Octavia continued. “You used her to fill your time at school and then tossed her away like she was just some whore – not capable of meeting your ridiculously high lifestyle standards.”  
“Watch your mouth,” Lexa warned her angrily as she took a step forward, feeling her body temperature climb.  
“You know,” Octavia shook her head, looking at her with nothing but disdain. “I actually believed you that night. How foolish was I?”  
Lexa took a deep breath. She didn’t need to ask what Octavia was referring to – her mind was already taking her back there.

********************************************************************************************************************************************* 

They were hanging out at Monty’s and Lexa was sitting in a chair, just watching Clarke playing beer pong on the other side of the room with Raven, Bellamy and Jasper. It was so easy to get lost in watching her. It filled her with a comforting warmth and brought her such peace and every time that Clarke would smile, she couldn’t help the smile that crossed her lips. It was infectious and devastating and Lexa was reveling in every moment of it.

They had been dating for a while and though Lexa had already made it known to Clarke how much she meant to her, she hadn’t actually said the words to her yet. It wasn’t that she didn’t feel it. In fact, she felt it so strongly, that she was sure one day her heart was simply burst and just burn a hole right though her chest. No, it wasn’t that she didn’t feel it, it was just that she wasn’t sure how to tell her.

“You really do care about her, don’t you?” Octavia said as she dropped down into the seat next to her.  
Lexa nodded.  
“It shows,” Octavia told her, “in your eyes.”  
“Aren’t you observant?” Lexa joked back.  
“I have to be,” Octavia simply shrugged. “These are my people and your girlfriend happens to be one of my favorite bitches.”  
Lexa grinned. She knew that Octavia was using the term with affection and not as slander. “She’s special,” she told her quietly.  
“She says the same about you,” Octavia said as she leaned against the arm of the chair. “Have you told her yet?”  
Lexa shook her head, still keeping her eyes on Clarke.  
“Why not?” Octavia questioned her curiously.  
Lexa took a deep breath and looked down at her hands.  
“You know that this isn’t a game to her, right?” Octavia questioned her again.  
Lexa looked at her. “It’s not a game to me either,” she told her firmly. “It’s just hard to find the proper words. I’ve never known anyone like Clarke and I’ve never felt the things that she makes me feel. I honestly wasn’t even certain that I was capable, before her.”  
A warm smile stretched across Octavia’s face. “The words are simple,” she shrugged again. “Hell, there’s only three of them.”  
Lexa grinned again. “They’re not enough,” she shook her head lightly. “They’ll never be enough.”  
“Trust me, Lexa,” Octavia said as she got to her feet and smiled at her again. “They’re more than enough.”

As Octavia walked away, Lexa returned her gaze to Clarke and began to watch her again, feeling that comfortable warmth filling her chest once more.

********************************************************************************************************************************************* 

“I was honest with you,” Lexa told her through her gritted teeth.  
“Right,” Octavia scoffed and rolled her eyes. “Just stay away from her.”  
“That’s not what she wants,” Lexa countered her quickly.  
“Well, it’s what she needs,” Octavia fired back at her. “How can you not see what you are doing to her?”  
“Octavia, I’m not doing anything to her.” Lexa insisted angrily.  
“You being here,” Octavia told her pointedly, “is doing everything to her.”  
“So, what would you like me to do?” Lexa questioned her rather harshly. “Leave the state?”  
“The country would be better,” Octavia answered quickly as she crossed her arms.  
Lexa shook her head. “Well, that’s not going to happen,” she responded with a scoff.

It wasn’t. Lexa had waited too long to come home and she wasn’t about to leave again. It wasn’t her fault that Clarke still lived in the area – it wasn’t like she had even known that when she came back. Not that it would have changed her mind about it anyway. This was her home and she had every right to be here. She hadn’t sought out Clarke – it wasn’t her fault that their paths had kept crossing.

“Everything alright?” Anya suddenly appeared behind them.  
Lexa turned and looked at her. “Fine,” she answered simply.  
“Do you even care about what you did?” Octavia asked. “Like, are you even capable? Does it affect you at all?”  
Lexa turned and looked at her, keeping her stony facade in place, she cupped her hands behind her back and set her jaw, but said nothing.  
“It doesn’t, does it?” Octavia laughed and shook her head.  
“Octavia,” Anya took a step forward.  
“And you!” Octavia turned on her. “How can you constantly defend her?! You saw the damage that she caused! She hurt – everyone. It wasn’t just Clarke, it was all of us – my husband! You saw it!”  
“She’s my cousin,” Anya defended quickly as she too stiffened her features.  
“And you’re apparently just as heartless as she is,” Octavia rolled her eyes and walked toward the door. Once her hand was on the knob, she paused and turned back, locking her eyes with Anya’s. “You know, given the chance, Raven would have really loved you,” she told her pointedly. “At least she was lucky enough to dodge that bullet, unlike Clarke.”

Lexa saw Anya’s sharpened features slip as a sadness showed in her eyes. It only took a second, but it was enough to make Lexa’s heart wrench. She stepped in front of her and glared at Octavia. “You need to leave,” she practically growled. “Now.”  
“I mean it, Lexa,” Octavia said as she opened the door. “Just stay away from her. It’ll be better for both of you.”  
Lexa took a step forward. “Get out,” she said firmly and just like that, Octavia was gone.

Lexa stood keeping her back to Anya as she tried to reel herself back in. She could feel her body trembling, her emotions were way too close to the surface. She had known. She had known that there was something growing between Anya and Raven. She had seen it – all of the tiny stolen moments and it broke her heart to know that whatever might have been, became nothing more than a casualty to the chaos that she left behind. 

********************************************************************************************************************************************* 

“Hey,” Lexa said as she felt Clarke’s arms wrap around her waist from behind.  
“Hey,” Clarke mumbled as she dropped a light kiss onto her neck. “What are you doing out here?”  
“I was looking for Anya,” Lexa answered.  
“Did you find her?” Clarke asked as she tightened her grip a little.  
“Oh,” Lexa chuckled lightly. “I found her,” she nodded across the yard to where Anya and Raven were.

They stood there for a moment, watching the pair speak in hushed voices, before Anya brought her hand up and touched Raven face tenderly.

“Come on,” Lexa said as she turned them back towards the house. “Let’s give them some privacy.”  
“Are we that gross?” Clarke joked as she followed.  
“I don’t know,” Lexa shrugged as she intertwined their fingers. “Maybe?”  
“God, I hope so,” Clarke said as she dropped her head down onto her shoulder.  
Lexa grinned. “You’re such a dork,” she shook her head.  
“Maybe,” Clarke shrugged, “but, you love me anyway.”

As soon as the words had left Clarke’s lips, Lexa felt her stiffen.

“I’m sorry,” Clarke said quickly as she picked up her head and stopped walking. “I don’t know why I said that. I didn’t mean…” she seemed so flustered. “It just…”  
“Clarke,” Lexa said as she brought her hand up to her cheek and stroked it adoringly. “That is only one of the many reasons why,” she told her calmly, “I love you.”  
Clarke looked up at her and her face lit up. “You love me?”  
Lexa smiled warmly and nodded.  
“I love you, too.” Clarke told her quietly as her eyes misted over. “So much,” she added as she leaned forward.  
“Me too,” Lexa whispered just before meeting her lips.

********************************************************************************************************************************************* 

It was wrong. It was so wrong and it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. Not for her and Clarke, not for Anya and Raven – not for any of them. But, fate was a fickle, fickle friend, and their cards had long since been dealt, ties were severed and bridges burnt. All that they could do now was move forward, but even the knowledge of that fact, didn't take away the aching in Lexa's heart.

“Anya,” Lexa said as she turned to face her. “I’m so s…”  
“Don’t,” Anya cut her off and shook her head. “Please, don’t.”  
“But, I…” Lexa tried again but her words became lost somewhere in her frustration.  
“Lexa, you don’t owe me anything, and certainly not an apology.” Anya told her plainly. “You’ve done right by me – by us all.”  
“It doesn’t seem that way,” Lexa sighed as she stuffed her hands into her pockets.  
“It might, if you’d actually tell them the truth,” Anya replied matter-of-factly. “If not, they’re just going to continue to hate you.”  
Lexa considered her words for a moment as she clenched her jaw and swallowed hard. “Let them,” she responded firmly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the long wait. I've been pretty caught up with UB - but, I wanted to get this out before the end of the year.   
> I hope you enjoy it.


	14. Chapter 14

Clarke was walking briskly down the hospital corridor, making her way to the locker room. After another grueling shift, she was so far passed beyond ready to go home, get something to eat and just crash – crash for days, if possible. The level of exhaustion that she was experiencing would have rivaled even the exhaustion that she felt during her years at medical school. She was just drained, in every possible way. Between work, her difficulty sleeping and the endless buzzing of memories that just kept flooding her mind – she was just done. She wanted to turn them off, really she did – but she just couldn’t. In fact, they had been pretty much constant from the moment that she had found herself face to face with Lexa again. 

Stepping into the locker room, Clarke quickly undid the lock on her locker and began emptying the contents of her pocket onto the top shelf. Setting down her phone, she realized that she had a message from earlier that day, that she hadn’t noticed – and it was from Lexa. 

Lexa: So, I had a visitor today.

Clarke felt her brow furrow. Perhaps that message was meant for someone else. Why would Lexa be telling her about her visitors? Not really knowing how to respond, she did the only thing that she could think of.

Clarke: ?  
Lexa: Octavia.

Clarke’s eyes sharpened quickly. Well, what the fuck was this about? She had spoken to Octavia briefly about the confliction that she was feeling after her very embarrassing panic attack – but she hadn’t expected that Octavia would actually go and see Lexa. 

Clarke: Dare I ask?  
Lexa: Well, you know Octavia.  
Lexa: She wants me to stay away from you.  
Lexa: I need to know, is that what you want?  
Lexa: I’ll understand, if it is. I don’t want to bring any unnecessary stress to you.

Clarke stared at the messages and frowned lightly. No. That wasn’t what she wanted. She knew that Octavia thought that it would be best, but still – it wasn’t what she wanted at all and damn it – Octavia knew that! Slamming her phone back into her locker she quickly changed out of her scrubs and made her way out of the hospital with only one destination in mind and unfortunately, it was not her bed. 

“What the hell, O?” Clarke snapped the second Octavia opened the door.  
Octavia rolled her eyes as she stepped aside. “She called you, didn’t she?”  
“Texted,” Clarke said as she crossed the threshold into the apartment, “and of course she did.”  
Octavia closed the door and turned to face her. “Really,” she shook her head. “I shouldn’t be surprised.”  
“No, you shouldn’t” Clarke shook her head. “What did you say to her?”  
“What difference does it make?” Octavia shrugged briskly as she leaned back against the door. “Obviously, she didn’t listen to me.”  
“O,” Clarke growled, glaring lightly. “Why is she worried about causing me stress?”  
“Oh, she’s actually worried about something?” Octavia’s voice with thick with sarcasm. “Didn’t think she had it in her.”  
Clarke shook her head. “Why are you acting like you hate her?”  
“I don’t hate her,” Octavia rolled her eyes again and pushed up off of the door. “Even she knows that.”  
“Then what the hell?” Clarke dropped down on to the arm of the sofa.  
“I’m still angry, okay?” Octavia snapped suddenly. “Clarke, I know how badly you got hurt, but on the flip side – you weren’t the only one,” she stepped forward. “I was hurt too – and how do you think it felt, having to watch my best friend, quite literally, fall apart or to watch Lincoln, loose the person in the world that he was closest to – someone who was like his sister,” she was ranting. “Damn it, we were a family and she walked out on all of us – not just you!”

Clarke sat stunned as her extremely exhausted mind tried to wrap itself around Octavia’s words. There was definitely truth to them, as strange as it sounded, on some level, everyone had been effected when Lexa just up and left. Everything had happened so fast and other than her, Lincoln and Anya, no one else had ever even gotten the chance to see her before she was just – gone.

“And the best part of it,” Octavia continued, clearly fuming, “is that she doesn’t even care, Clarke! Not about how she left all of us feeling, not how she hurt you – none of it. She’s completely unaffected.”  
“You don’t know that,” Clarke shook her head.  
“Really,” Octavia’s eyebrows raised sharply. “Has she apologized? Shown a single bit of remorse?”  
Clarke felt her brow furrow. “Well, no,” she replied. “But, that doesn’t mean…”  
“Clarke, I asked her,” Octavia cut her off. “I asked her – point blank, if she even cared about what she did and all she gave me that unamused, resting fucking bitch-face of hers. I’m telling you, though in some way, she may care about us, she does not care about how her choices affected us.”

At the words, resting fucking bitch-face, Clarke’s mind pulled her back to a something that she really didn’t want to remember.

*********************************************************************************************************************************************

Lexa cupped her hands behind her back and set her jaw. “I’m leaving, Clarke,” she said simply.  
Clarke blinked foolishly. “Wait, what do you mean?” She questioned, unable to hide the concern that showed in her voice. “Leaving for where?”  
Lexa squared her shoulder and took a deep breath. “Bangkok,” she answered in short.  
Instantly Clarke’s breath hitched in her throat as a panic that she had never known began to burn in her stomach. Something was wrong – it had to be. This didn’t make any sense. “What do you mean, Bangkok?” She questioned quickly. “What the hell is in Bangkok?”  
“Business,” Lexa said firmly, her eyes unflinching. “My family is expanding there and they’ve offered me the opportunity to head their new division,” she smirked lightly.  
“Hang on,” Clarke’s eyes widened in horror as the realization hit her. Had Lexa taken a permanent position, working for her parents – in Bangkok? “You didn't….is this…” she couldn’t find her words. “Did you…”  
“Yes Clarke, I’ve already accepted it,” Lexa filled in the blank with a rather patronizing tone.  
Clarke tried to focus her eyes, but the room seemed to spin around her as her heart rate increase and her voice suddenly failed. There was no way that this was happening.  
“Now listen Clarke, I don’t expect you to like it – really, I don’t,” Lexa interrupted her again, her words dripping with superiority. “But, you do have to accept it.”  
“Like hell I do!” Clarke fired back at her as her body began to tremble and tears started forming in her eyes.  
“Why are you acting so surprised?” Lexa questioned her rather mockingly. “You always knew this would happen eventually.”  
Clarke stared at her, feeling as though she’d been slapped. “This isn’t you,” she shook her head.  
“It is me,” Lexa responded, her voice abnormally hard. “This is who I am, Clarke. I have spent my entire life preparing for this moment and now that it’s here, I am not about to pass it up for anything – or anyone.”  
Clarke was frozen on the spot, her blue eyes wet and wide with disbelief. 

This couldn’t be happening. It couldn’t! Lexa couldn’t be leaving. She wouldn’t. She loved her. She did. They were a part of each other, they needed each other – breathed for each other! How many nights they had laid awake, just fantasizing about their futures together? Planning them! No, it couldn’t just be over. It couldn’t! Clarke’s heart pounded so furiously in her chest that she was sure that it was going to give out at any moment. 

And Lexa, how…? How could she just..?

*********************************************************************************************************************************************

“No,” Octavia was still ranting. “She didn’t so much as flinch, until I lit into Anya.”  
“Anya?” Clarke looked up at her. “What did you light into her about?”  
Octavia bit the inside of her cheek and crossed her arms, looking suddenly conflicted.  
“O?” Clarke eyed her carefully.  
“The way that she always defends her – regardless of what she does,” Octavia finally answered. “And, I might have made a comment about Raven.”  
Clarke stared at her and felt her jaw tighten. “What did you say?”  
Octavia took a deep breath. “That given the chance, Raven would have really loved her,” she answered without looking at her.  
Clarke closed her eyes and sighed. “You shouldn’t have,” she shook her head.  
“I know,” Octavia’s voice came out small. “I was just angry, I mean, those two – I swear, they're just so frustrating.”

Clarke pushed her fingers through her hair. Everyone had been aware that there was something going on between Anya and Raven, regardless of how quiet they had kept it, it could still be seen. It was in the comments that they made to each other and about each other – in the stolen moments and adoring glances between them. They were falling in love, but then Lexa left and everything changed – Anya changed. Clarke sighed, remembering the day that it all came to a head and still feeling guilty about it.

*********************************************************************************************************************************************

It was several months after Lexa had left and Clarke had found herself admitted into the hospital, suffering from server depression, exhaustion and dehydration. She had been trying to push though it – trying to fight it, but nothing seemed to work and eventually, she just cracked under the weight of it all. Losing Lexa had been like losing her very skin and it had left her more exposed than she had ever been and more broken than she ever thought possible.

As she laid in that bed with her eyes closed, just listening to the machines around her, voices from the hallway suddenly filled her ears.

“Cut the shit, Anya,” Raven said firmly. “Just give me her number already.”  
“I can’t,” Anya replied stiffly. “I’m sorry.”  
“Anya,” Raven practically growled.  
“If she wanted you to have it, you would.” Anya told her.  
“Who gives a shit what she wants?” Raven snapped quickly, the frustration obvious in her voice. “Ugh. Fine! Then you call her.”  
“It won’t matter,” Anya responded evenly. “She’s not going to come back.”  
“She might,” Raven retorted with irritation, “if she actually knew what the fuck was going on.”  
“She won’t,” Anya’s tone hardened some.  
“Anya, look at her – she’s falling apart,” Raven hissed at her. “What the hell is wrong with you? How can you just stand there and do nothing?”  
“I’m here, aren’t I?” Anya countered instantly. “I’m doing what I can, Raven.”  
“Which is nothing!” Raven spat at her angrily. “No, let me rephrase – you’re doing is exactly what you’ve been doing ever since Lexa left – acting like a fucking barrier.”  
“That’s not true,” Anya responded, sounding slightly stung.  
“It is,” Raven fired back at her. “Ever since she left, you’re just so – you’ve become like a…and now, you won’t even...” whatever she was trying to say became swallowed by her obvious frustration.  
“I’m sorry,” Anya’s voice came out softer, smaller somehow.  
"Yeah," Raven scoffed harshly. "Except that you're not."

Clarke just laid there, trying not to listen, but unable to stop herself at the same time. It had been obvious that things had become strained between the two of them them over the last couple of months and right at that moment, what Raven was saying, was not entirely untrue. Everyone knew that Anya was still in touch with Lexa – of course she was, they were family after all, but damn it if she didn’t adamantly refuse to help any of them get in touch with her.

“I don’t want to do this anymore, Anya.” Raven finally stated, her voice cracking slightly as she apparently reached her breaking point.  
“Raven,” Anya started, her voice clearly shaking.  
“Please,” Raven croaked, clearly holding back tears, “please just go.”

*********************************************************************************************************************************************

Clarke shook her head. Knowing Lexa and Anya’s relationship, as she did, she was pretty sure that Anya’s position on the whole thing had little to do with her, and all to do with Lexa and that was something that just broke her heart. What had happened between her and Lexa was bad enough, but to have the strain of it ruin those two as well, that was just something that was so - wrong and though it had been obvious to her and Octavia that the whole thing had hit Raven really hard, she adamantly denied it. Still, everyone could tell that she was different afterward – they both were and though Anya never severed ties with any of them, her interactions did lessen more and more as time passed.

“Look, I get that you care about her – I do,” Octavia finally spoke. “Fuck, we all still do. Like you said - you can't choose who you care about, but if you’re really going to get on this ride again – please, at least open your eyes.”  
“So, you think that I was just blind last time?” Clarke’s eyes went wide.  
“Clarke, we were all blind,” Octavia replied instantly. “What I’m saying, is that I think that you’re choosing to be blind this time,” she explained. “Open your eye and see her for who and what she really is.”  
Clarke just stared at her. She did see Lexa for who she really was – she always had, or so she thought.  
“And get some fucking sleep,” Octavia added after a moment. “You look like hell.”  
“I’m exhausted,” Clarke acknowledged with a nod. “I planned on crashing right after my shift, but then…” she shrugged.  
“Alright, well, take your ass there now.” Octavia nudged her. “We’ll need you good and rested for tomorrow night.”  
Clarke blinked and looked at her.  
“We’re all going out, remember?” Octavia said giving her a quizzical look. “God, you do need sleep. Monty’s promotion, ring any bells?”  
“Shit,” Clarke breathed. “I totally forgot.”  
“Home, bed - now,” Octavia pointed at the door.  
Clarke nodded and got to her feet.  
“Just think about what I said, okay?” Octavia said as she pulled her into a hug.  
Clarke nodded into her shoulder and left without another word.

The following night, after receiving a significant amount of sleep, Clarke felt much better. Though her head was still feeling quite full, she was definitely thinking clearer than she had been and now, she was so ready to go kick back a few – or more than a few and spend some time with her people. Unfortunately though – fate, it seemed, had other plans. 

Crossing the threshold into their third bar of the evening, Clarke froze as her eyes fell on Lexa. She was standing at the bar, looking rather rigid, with Anya and two other women that Clarke didn’t recognize. Of all the bars in town – seriously? Considering the level of alcohol that was already burning in her veins and the number of thoughts bouncing around in her head, Clarke quickly made a conscious choice to simply try to avoid them. However, a little while later as she stood at the bar, waiting for another drink, fate decided to intervene again.

“Clarke?” Lexa stopped in her tracks and smiled lightly. “I didn’t expect to run into you tonight.”  
“Do you regret it?” The question simply rolled off Clarke’s tongue without thought.  
“Excuse me?” Lexa’s brow furrowed slightly.  
“Leaving the way that you did,” Clarke clarified, deciding to just go with it. “Going to Bangkok – any of it.”  
Lexa clenched her jaw and shook her head as her entire demeanor visibly changed. “Clarke, I’m not doing this with you,” she responded firmly.  
“Why not?” Clarke questioned, leaning her hand against the bar.  
“Because, there’s nothing to gain from it,” Lexa answered simply. “And, you’re obviously drunk,” she added before turning and walking away.  
Clarke stood there for a moment, just feeling drunkenly dumbfounded, until her anger kicked in. “Just answer the question,” she said as she caught up with her.  
“What is the point, Clarke?” Lexa spun around to face her. “It’s been six years. It doesn’t matter.”  
“Are you kidding me?” Clarke glared at her angrily – ignoring the fact that all of their friends and even a few strangers were watching. “I’m sure by now, you’ve picked up enough to grasp how your decision affected people.”  
“Yes – my decision,” Lexa snapped quickly, her eyes hardening. “I made a decision – a decision that to this day, I still stand by.”  
Clarke took a step back and just stared at her – clearly, she had touched a nerve.  
Anya took a step forward cautiously. “Lexa…”  
“I told you, I’m not doing this with you,” Lexa repeated firmly, without shifting her gaze away.  
“Just – tell me if you would make the same choice again?” Clarke practically pleaded, feeling her eyes starting to moisten. “Please?”  
Lexa swallowed hard and continued to stare at her. “Without hesitation,” she finally answered and then walked out of the bar without another word.  
Anya set her glass on the bar and with a heavily weighted look and followed.

Clarke blinked several times, trying to get her hazy mind to absorb it all, but at that moment, there was only one dominating thought. Octavia was right - she was right and now, she could finally see Lexa for who she really was and though it broke her heart to realize that Lexa had turned out like her parents after all – it wasn’t going to break her. Not this time.

The rest of the night became nothing more than a blur and to her surprise, when Clarke awoke in her bed the following morning, she actually didn’t feel like death. In fact, all things considered, she actually felt pretty good - better than she had in a while. Picking up her phone, she stared down at the messages from Lexa from a couple of days before and bit her lip.

Lexa: She wants me to stay away from you.  
Lexa: I need to know, is that what you want?  
Lexa: I’ll understand, if it is. I don’t want to bring any unnecessary stress to you.

Clarke contemplated for a moment and then finally, fired off a response. 

Clarke: Space is probably best.

Climbing out of the bed, Clarke set her phone back on the nightstand and quickly made her way toward the kitchen, desperate for a nice cup of coffee, but then stopped when her eyes found Wells sitting at the table.

“Hey,” Clarke smiled at him and continued her way to the coffeemaker. “What are you doing?”  
“Waiting for you,” He smiled back. “I think we should talk.’  
“About what?” Clarke asked as she poured herself a cup of coffee.  
“Us,” Wells answered simply.  
Clarke turned and looked at him curiously. “What about us?” She asked as she went and sat at the table with him.  
Wells smiled warmly. “I think that maybe we should reconsider getting married,” he told her.  
Clarke shook her head, totally taken by surprise. “What? Why?”  
“Well for starters, because, you’re in love with Lexa,” Wells answered, without a hint of anger in his voice.  
Clarke’s eyes went wide with shock. She had never told him about Lexa. How the hell did he know about her?  
“You cry for her,” he explained gently, “in your sleep. I’ve tried to just ignore it – I didn’t want to know, but after witnessing your reaction to seeing her again,” he shook his head.

Clarke felt her heart clench at his words. She wanted to deny it, she did, but she couldn't. Honestly, it made sense. For years, she had put a lot of effort into not consciously thinking about Lexa, naturally when her subconscious was in control the truth would show.

“Lexa and I have a very complicated history,” Clarke shook her head and shrugged.  
“Yes,” Wells nodded. “I’ve basically concluded that much.”  
Clarke sighed. “You really don’t have to feel threatened by it,” she assured him.  
“That’s the thing though,” Wells smiled. “I don’t feel threatened. I actually almost feel like, maybe she’s back here for a reason.”  
Clarke continued to stare at him, feeling totally baffled that this conversation was even taking place.  
“You know that I love you, Clarke.” Wells continued calmly. “However, you can’t deny that we are – very different people.”  
Clarke took a deep breath. “You’re right,” she nodded. “I can’t deny that.”  
“These last few days, I’ve been wondering if perhaps Lexa showing up here was a way to stop us from doing something that – somewhere down the road,” he said carefully, “maybe we’d both end up regretting.”  
Clarke swallowed hard and tried to take in his words. “So, that’s it?” She questioned with a weak shrug. “We’re just over?”  
“Well, I think that’s what we’re going to figure out,” he smiled kindly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that it's been almost a month - Sorry!  
> Two dummies over in UB...


	15. Chapter 15

Lexa glanced around her apartment at the mass of boxes that were just stacked haphazardly about. She had had both her father’s office and his home study boxed up and brought to her and she had been spending practically every free moment that she had combing through every single bit of it. The deeper she dug into it all though, the more frustrated and angrier she found herself becoming and unfortunately, everyone was suffering for that. Well, that and maybe something else too.

It had been almost a month since she had received the text message from Clarke telling her that space would probably be best - a month, and though she couldn’t deny that it saddened her, she honored the words on the screen and didn’t even reply. If Clarke thought that space would be better, then that was exactly what she was going to give her. She had meant what she had told her prior to, she didn’t want to add any stress to her life – that was never her intention, but little by little it had become pretty apparent that that was exactly what was happening. So space. 

Lexa threw herself into her work, filling her schedule with board meetings, video conferences, interview and anything else that she could possibly think or to fill her time and take away the urge to text Clarke back. Though they had only been back in contact for a short span of time, and that time had been slightly messy, there was no denying that she already missed being able to talk to her again. 

Hearing her door open, Lexa clenched her teeth and swallowed hard, already knowing who it was that was coming in. “What can I do for you, Anya?”  
Anya dropped her purse down on to the couch and crossed the room toward the bar. “Stop being such an insufferable jackass,” she responded rather harshly as she poured herself a drink.  
“I beg your pardon,” Lexa narrowed her eyes quickly.  
Anya turned to face her. “I just got off the phone with the branch manager from Tampa,” she paused and took a sip of her drink. “Did you really have to berate him, so?”  
“He dropped the ball,” Lexa replied flatly as she returned her attention to her work.  
“His intern made a mistake,” Anya corrected her quickly. “A mistake, Lexa and one that, might I add – was totally correctable.”  
“He still has a job,” Lexa responded without looking up. “He should be grateful for that.”  
“Enough already,” Anya said loudly as she slammed her glass down on the bar. “Are you even hearing yourself?”  
Lexa shook her head again and closing her eyes, felt her mind drift at those words.

*********************************************************************************************************************************************

She had been placed in charge of a very large project by her father – it was a test of sorts or a conditioning exercise, at least, that was how she saw it - that was how it felt. It was a way for him to see how she handled, not only the task, but herself, the people under her and most importantly, anything that got in her way of succeeding. Unfortunately, to test her further, he had also given her a team that could barely be considered reliable and so far, she had been left with no choice but to adopt some of her father’s more unattractive methods and honestly, they were really taking a toll on her. 

Slamming down her phone after having just spent the last ten minutes brutally ripping into one of the members of her team, Lexa took several calming breaths and looked up to find Clarke sitting up on the couch with her knees against her chest and a somber look in her eyes.

“Are you alright?” Lexa asked, placing her hands on the desk.  
“It’s just hard to listen to you sometimes,” Clarke shrugged lightly, looking almost pained.  
“I know,” Lexa nodded, her face instantly bending into a heavy frown. “But, I tried doing this my own way – you know that I did and it wasn't working.”  
“So, your solution is to demean and frighten the people on your team?” Clarke questioned her firmly. “Like, are you even hearing yourself? You sound just like…” she broke off and shook her head, looking almost disgusted.  
Lexa swallowed hard and looked down at her hands. She knew exactly who she sounded like and she hated it, but she had to seal this deal – she had to and if acting like her parents did that, as much as she hated it, she’d do it. “Look, I know that you don’t get it, but I can’t…”   
“Are you kidding? I know what’s at stake for you – of course I get it,” Clarke snapped as she got to her feet. “Look, I’m just going to go.”  
“No. Clarke, wait,” Lexa tried as she rounded the desk quickly. “Please, don’t go.”  
“Lexa, I have to,” Clarke shook her head with a sadness showing in her eyes. “I love you – you know that I do, and even though I know that this isn’t really you, I can’t be around you when you’re acting like it is,” she inched forward and pressed a light kiss on her lips. “I just can't.”

Lexa stood rooted on the spot, just watching her go. She couldn’t be angry or even blame her for wanting to leave. While to her, or rather, in her world, the harshness that she had been using was far from uncommon - to Clarke, it was just something that couldn’t be tolerated or even stomached. 

*********************************************************************************************************************************************

Lexa shook the thoughts from her head, not willing to think about anything that was connected to Clarke.

“Listen, I know that you’ve been wearing this mask for really a long time,” Anya said with slight sigh, “but now, it’s time to take it off – for good.”  
“I don’t know that you’re talking about,” Lexa responded instantly and shook her head.   
“You do,” Anya scolded her quickly. “You, are not like this. You, are not this stone cold, hurtful person, but you keep pretending that you are.”  
Lexa felt a sting in her words that pricked at her skin like thorns. “I do what I have to do, Anya,” she said as she got to her feet. “You know that better than anyone.”  
“Oh, so you just had to be such an asshole at the bar last month,” Anya bit back quickly.   
“This again,” Lexa sighed and rolled her eyes. “Yes, yes I did.”

She had told Clarke that she wouldn’t get into it with her. She had told her, but Clarke kept pushing. If being an asshole was the only way to get her to drop it – then so be it. It wasn’t up for discussion – period. Why she did it – how she felt about it – none of it. It happened. It was over. It was done. It didn’t matter. It needed to be left alone.

“Why though?” Anya questioned her quickly. “That was the perfect opportunity to tell her the truth.”  
“Yeah,” Lexa laughed lightly, “The perfect opportunity to tell her something, that might actually be bullshit, in front of a bunch of strangers no less.”  
“Bullshit?” Anya’s brow furrowed instantly. “Lexa, you know that it’s not bullshit. It happened.”  
“But I can’t prove it,” Lexa snapped without thinking about it and winced at her own words.   
“Is that what this is all about?” Anya’s eyes narrowed as she looked around the apartment. “You think that they wouldn’t believe you?”  
Lexa shook her head, working her jaw. “Why would they?"   
“Lexa, if you would just talk to them, they would believe you.” Anya shook her head. “They know that you’re a lot of things, but you’re not a liar.”  
“Aren’t I?” Lexa scoffed and rolled her eyes. “Isn’t that exactly what this has turned me into?”  
“No,” Anya replied firmly as she took a step forward. “Who you are has nothing to do with the fact that you lied. You want to know who you really are? Then look to why you did it. That's, who you are.”  
Lexa crossed her arms, willing the words to not affect her. “Still can’t prove it,” she said through her gritted teeth.  
“So, we’ll find proof then,” Anya said with a shrug as she glanced around.  
“There isn’t any,” Lexa told her firmly.  
“There has to be something,” Anya countered quickly. “You saw it.”  
“It doesn’t matter," Lexa responded as she poured herself a drink. “Even if I found something, you and I both know that I wouldn’t do anything with it anyway.”  
“Lexa,” Anya practically groaned. “You have been given a second chance here. Don’t let it slip away because of your fucking pride!”  
“My pride? Is that what you think this is about?” Lexa bit back fiercely. “She’s engaged, Anya and I won't…”  
“Actually, she’s not.” Anya cut her off almost smugly as she crossed her arms.  
Lexa froze on the spot, the glass she was holding slipping from her grip and shattering against the floor.   
“Amicable split, from what I understand.” Anya explained. “I ran into Raven,” she added after a short pause.

Lexa walked back to her desk and dropped back down into her chair, feeling guilt quickly pooling in her belly as the information played over and over in her head. 

“You can tell her,” Anya said as she rounded the desk and leaned against it. “You can tell them all.”  
Lexa just shook her head.   
Anya released a frustrated sigh as she ran her fingers briskly against her scalp. “Okay. Fine,” she nodded. “How about this, we see what we can find and then you can decide what, if anything, to do with it.”  
Lexa worked her jaw again. “What if it was a bluff?” Her thoughts escaped her mouth on their own. “What if it was all for nothing? What if I hurt her like that – all of them, for nothing?”  
“Stop it,” Anya scolded her again. “You know that it wasn’t a bluff. You saw it with your own two eyes. Stop doubting your own fucking memories.”  
“I saw a piece, Anya and now there’s not even a trace,” Lexa reminded her firmly, motioning at the surroundings.

Anya leaned back and thought for a moment before getting up and leaving the room. When she returned, only a few minutes later, she carrying a very familiar laptop.

“I’ve already tried,” Lexa sighed and shook her head. “It’s locked up tighter than Fort Knox.”  
Anya stared at her. “I know someone who could unlock it,” she smirked, popping her eyebrows.  
“No!” Lexa bellowed as she jumped to her feet. “If there’s anything in there, she’ll see it. She’ll know!”  
“Good,” Anya responded instantly. “Look, you can’t change what happened, but damn it, maybe you can finally explain why it had to,” she pulled out her phone. “It’s probably going to cost you though, and I don’t just mean your pride,” she added as she began composing a text. “Besides, who says she even needs to know who it belongs to or that it’s for you?”  
“You’ll tell her,” Lexa stated knowingly.   
“If it means that we can get into that laptop,” Anya paused and looked at her. “You’re damn right,” she finished before firing of the message and setting the phone on the desk between them. 

Anya: Hacker, I have a proposition for you.  
Raven: I’m not a hacker.  
Anya: Perhaps not, but you are brilliant, and have the knowledge.  
Raven: Stop trying to flatter me, Anya. What the hell do you want??  
Anya: I have a laptop. I need it unlocked. You unlock it. I pay.  
Raven: How much?  
Anya: $1000.00  
Raven: Well, damn. 

“I think we just bought ourselves a hacker,” Anya grinned down at the screen. 

Raven: Whose laptop?  
Anya: That’s irrelevant.  
Raven: Not to me.   
Anya: Lexa's.  
Raven: Bullshit. Lexa's too smart to lock herself out of her own computer.  
Raven: Spill.

Anya paused and glanced at her. “Take a breath,” she said firmly.  
Lexa closed her eyes and opted to swear under her breath instead. 

Anya: Titus Woods.  
Raven: Nope. Not interested.   
Raven: If Lexa needs help accessing Daddy's precious information, she can find someone else to do it.  
Anya: $2000.00  
Raven: I hate you.  
Anya: I know.   
Anya: Now bring your sassy ass over to Lexa’s place.

Lexa got to her feet and walked to the bar to pour a fresh drink.   
Anya came up behind her. “It going to be okay,” she assured her softly. “Raven’s brilliant. She’ll get in and if what you’re looking for is in there, she’ll find it. If not, it still doesn’t change why you did it.”  
Lexa shook her head and took a long sip of her drink as she wrestled internally with the fact that this was actually happening.  
“Just try to relax,” Anya told her firmly. “You really have nothing to lose here - if anything, you have everything to gain.”  
Lexa shook her head again, feeling a pressure building up inside of her. “I can’t be here for this,” she finally said as she walked toward the door. “I’m going to go take a walk.”

The moment that her feet hit the street, Lexa felt the world around her press in on her. Granted, it was true that she had actively been looking for proof, but at the same time, the lack of it wasn't the only reason that she didn't want to talk about it. It was a weighted topic that stirred up too much emotion in everyone and revealing the facts about what really happened that night wouldn't change the outcome. She knew that Anya was probably right and that she should finally tell them the why she did it, but she couldn't. She just couldn't. Yes, part of it was her pride, that much was true too, but the other part boiled down the fact that it was honestly too much for her. It was just too much.

Sighing heavily, Lexa pushed her hair out of her face and quickly crossed the street while her insides suddenly burned with confliction. If Raven was actually able to access that laptop and find the information she was looking for, the tables were going to turn again and she would quickly find herself facing yet another decision.

Whether or not to share it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, blame the two dummies over in UB - they keep me quite busy.  
> Yell at me.


	16. Chapter 16

Clarke slipped out of her bed and ran her fingers through her tangled blonde waves. It had been almost a month since she had and Wells had called off their engagement and almost two weeks since he had officially finished moving out. On a level, it was strange to not see his shoes haphazardly kicked off near the door or to find a variety of his ties hanging over the back of one of the kitchen chairs. They had been living together for almost a year after all and certain things, you just become accustomed to – but now that was all gone and she was starting over, again.

With a long stretch and a heavy yawn, Clarke got to her feet and made her way into the bathroom.

She couldn’t really fault Wells for his thoughts about them ending their engagement, at least, no more than she could fault herself. Truth be told, she honestly hadn’t been a hundred percent positive that they should go through with it either and though at the time she thought it was because of how jam-packed her head had been with thoughts and memories of Lexa, as more and more time passed, deep down she knew that it was because of exactly what Wells had said, they were very different people. It would have been a mistake – she could see that now and though at the time, getting engaged had seemed like a logical next step for them, in reality, it never would have lasted. It wasn’t that they didn’t love each other, because the love was most definitely there, it was just that in some cases, love just simply isn’t enough and marriage was absolutely one of those cases. Love might have been something that could have kept them together, but it never would have been enough to make or keep them truly happy. 

Exiting the bathroom and making her way into the kitchen, Clarke set her phone on the counter and started to make a cup of coffee. Though it may have already been getting pretty late in the day, coffee was still definitely necessary. 

Part of her wished that she could blame their breakup on the fact that they were just that different, but really – deep down, she knew that it wasn’t the only reason and though she absolutely did not want to acknowledge it, Wells was right – she was still in love with Lexa, however, admitting that meant nothing. It meant nothing and it changed nothing because that’s basically what they were now – nothing. 

Lexa had never responded to the text that she had sent her saying that space would be better and while on one hand she was glad, on the other, the radio silence kind of saddened her because it basically cemented everything that she had come to realize. Lexa didn’t care. She simply didn’t care and there wasn’t anything that anyone could do to change that. She wasn’t the person that they all had come to know and love back in college and perhaps the hardest thing to swallow was that maybe, she never was. Maybe all of the little things – the sweetest things that she remembered about Lexa were nothing but a façade. Maybe it all really was just a mask and she really was just a fool.

Dropping down into one of the kitchen chairs, Clarke blew on her coffee and took a small sip, humming her approval as the sweetened liquid burned its way down her throat and the wincing slightly as a pang of pain fired off in her head, only to then echo down deep in her chest. 

In the time that had passed since coming face to face with Lexa again at her engagement party nothing in her life had gone the way that she had expected it to – nothing and now, she honestly just didn’t really know what to do about it. Her head had become so regularly flooded, so – overwhelmed with memories of her and Lexa that now her mind and heart seemed to be constantly battling to see which one could possibly hurt more. It wasn’t fair and it wasn’t right, but then again, at least where she and Lexa seemed to be concerned – nothing ever was. 

Leaning back in her chair, Clarke let her head drop back and gave her neck muscles a good stretch. That wasn’t really true – not really anyway, because there had been a time where practically everything between her and Lexa was just so damn easy, unfortunately though, that was a time that felt like a lifetime ago and the people from it now felt like nothing more than ghosts, and how unfair it seemed that she now found herself constantly spinning with them and unable to stop the constant onslaught of their memories – caught somewhere in between remembering all of the amazing things about her relationship with Lexa and literally feeling her chest warm with every memory and finally accepting that Lexa wasn’t exactly who she had believed that she was and feeling her heart crack a little more with every realization.

Suddenly another memory suddenly began to take shape in her mind and opening her eyes, Clarke couldn’t help but grin as it came rushing back.

*********************************************************************************************************************************************

Leaning back against the headboard and tucking the sheet up under her arms, Clarke let out and extremely contented sigh and smiled herself as she let her mind drift off while she waited for Lexa to return.

“What are you thinking about?” Lexa’s voice suddenly filled the room.  
Clarke opened her eyes and smiled as her eyes fell on Lexa standing in the doorway with two mugs clutched in one hand and a plate of fresh fruit in the other. “You,” she answered in short. “Well, us really.”  
Lexa crossed the room and set the plate on the nightstand. “What about us?” She asked as she held out one of the mugs.  
Clarke sat up a little further and took the mug. “Don’t even think about getting back in this bed with those clothes on,” she warned her firmly, but with an obvious undertone of sweetness.  
Lexa grinned lightly and set her mug down before quickly stripping out of what little clothing she was wearing and slipping under the sheets. “So,” she said as she picked her mug back up. “What about us?”  
“Just how happy I am,” Clarke replied as she scooted her body closer, “and about how right everything feels when we’re together.”  
Lexa’s grin widened into a smile. “Yeah?”  
“Yeah,” Clarke nodded as she reached across her and retrieved a strawberry from the plate. “I mean, I don’t really know how to explain it, but from the first night we met I just felt like – almost like connected to you or something,” she explained and took a bite. “But, you were just some stranger at a party…”  
“A stranger that you kept spilling things on,” Lexa cut her off with a chuckle.  
Clarke laughed at the memory. “What can I say? I like to make an impression,” she smirked, “and, in fairness, I might have been mildly intoxicated.”  
“Mildly intoxicated?” Lexa’s eyebrows raised in amusement.  
“Okay, extremely intoxicated,” Clarke laughed and nudged her side. “Regardless, even wasted, I knew that I was safe with you. I felt it. It was like, I already knew you or something.”  
Lexa hummed and took a sip of her tea. “I think that I understand,” she nodded. “I mean, I didn’t even know you – but the second that you told me that I would take care of you the following day,” she grinned and shook her head. “I just knew that given the chance to - I would.”  
Clarke smiled and pressed a light kiss to her lips before readjusting and cuddling into her body. “And you did,” she said lightly.  
“Of course I did,” Lexa kissed the crown of her head, “and I always will.”

*********************************************************************************************************************************************

Clarke opened her eyes and bit back a whimper in her throat as her eyes glossed over slightly. “Always my ass,” she mumbled as she got to her feet and made her way back to her bedroom to get dressed.

Exiting her apartment sometime later and slamming the door way harder than she’d intended, Clarke set off on what she hoped would be a nice long walk that would somehow help to clear her exceptionally jumbled mind. There was no correct way to put into words everything that she’d been feeling lately, but if she had to sum it up using only one word, well, that word would be lost because that was exactly how she felt. Just lost. 

Everything that she had said from the moment that Lexa had reappeared had been true – everything. She had really missed her and their friendship. She wanted to be able to look passed what had happened at the end of their relationship and move forward being a part of one another’s lives again, but now, she honestly wasn’t sure if that was even possible. Granted, it was true that she was still in love with Lexa, but beyond that – she cared about her. She cared about her as a person – as a human being and to hear Lexa so firmly state that she would – without hesitation – hurt her so badly again, well, that just left a taste in her mouth that she wasn’t sure that she could ignore.

Turning the corner, Clarke shoved her hands into her pockets and let out a sigh. The person that she had befriended in college and later fallen so desperately in love with had been gentle and kind. She had been quiet and sweet, albeit slightly damaged and yet, in her own way, strong. But the person who had left her and perhaps even the one that had come back in her place, seemed anything but. Had it all really just been an act? Under all of that was there really just this malicious and egotistical snob that was waiting for the right moment to show herself? 

God, maybe she really had just been a blind fool.

After all, the night that Lexa left, she walked away like it was the easiest thing in the world and not just from her, but from everyone. In fact, the only person that had even seen her that night, other than Anya, was Lincoln and that was only because he had gone and sought her out himself. Everyone else though, Lexa simply ignore. She walked out of the apartment that night and didn’t answer a single phone call or text message that followed – not from her or anyone else. She was just gone and she never once did she look back. 

Shivering slightly, Clarke shook her head in what was so obviously a vain attempt to shake a memory from her mind.

*********************************************************************************************************************************************

Clarke: I don’t understand. Please, talk to me.  
Clarke: Why won’t u take my calls??

“I don’t understand,” Clarke sobbed into Octavia’s chest as they leaned back against the couch. This couldn’t be happening. It just couldn’t.  
“Shhh,” Octavia tried to calm her as she soothingly rubbed her back. “We’ll figure it out.”  
“How is this even possible?” Clarke continued to sob. “Like, everything was fine. I just saw her this morning.”  
“What did she say?” Octavia questioned her carefully.  
“This morning?” Clarke questioned and shook her head. “Nothing. Nothing at all. She was completely normal - everything was normal.”  
“No, I meant when she was here,” Octavia clarified quickly. “About why she was leaving.”  
“I told you,” Clarke sighed as she sat up some and pushed her hair out of her face. “She said that she’d spent her entire life preparing for this and that she wasn’t going to pass it up for anything or anyone and that I should have known…I should have known that this would happen eventually, but how…how could I have...” she gasped as an ache rang out in her chest and a fresh rush of tears flooded her eyes.  
“Oh, I swear to God,” Raven seethed as she slammed her phone down on the table. “I am going to kick her fucking ass if she doesn’t start answering her damn phone.”  
“Have you been able to get in touch with Anya?” Octavia questioned her as she not so subtly fired off a text with her free hand.  
Raven gritted her teeth and shook her head. “She just said that she couldn’t talk right now,” she mumbled, looking highly agitated.  
Clarke shook her head and picked up her phone again. There were still no responses from Lexa, but she had to keep trying. 

Clarke: Please, don’t do this.

“Maybe Lincoln will be able to get through to her,” Octavia offered as she rubbed her back again.  
Clarke looked up and thought for a moment. “You think so?”  
“Maybe?” Octavia shrugged slightly. “I mean, they’ve known each other a really long time.”  
“And next to you and Anya, I would say that she’s closest with him,” Raven added quickly.  
“Yeah, that’s true,” Clarke nodded as she buried her face in Octavia’s chest once more. “I just wish she would answer me.”

A couple hours later, when Lincoln finally returned, he somewhat resembled a brokenhearted teddy bear who had clearly shed his own amount of tears over the whole thing. Quietly he explained to them all that though he had managed to see her, he couldn’t really get through to her and that Lexa had made it clear that while she loved them all and wanted nothing but the very best them, she had made her decision and it was final.

Clarke: Lexa, please...

*********************************************************************************************************************************************

Turning yet another corner, Clarke shook her head and took a steadying breath before coming to an abrupt stop and feeling her eyes narrow and focus on something that she had not expected or been prepared to see.

There, sitting on a park bench with a highly anxious look on her face, was Lexa.

Clarke stood there for a moment, just taking in the sight. Something was obviously wrong – it had to be, judging by the steady bounce of her knee and the way that her jaw seemed to be working furiously. For a moment a tiny spark of concern attempted to ignite in her chest, but only a second later it was gone, being replaced by something somewhat darker and without thought, she found herself moving forward. 

“Now, don’t you just look like someone spit in your corn flakes,” Clarke said as she came to a stop only a few feet from her.  
Lexa’s eyes snapped up quickly, but then instantly narrowed. “More like pissed,” she replied quietly.  
“Well, you know what they say,” Clarke nodded as a slightly snide grin formed on her face. “Karma’s a bitch.”  
"That is what they say," Lexa nodded as her eyes hardened. “Look, if you're here to give me shit, Clarke,” she said as she got to her feet and squared her shoulders. “I’m really not in the mood."  
“Me? Come on, why would I give you shit?” Clarke scoffed sarcastically as she rested her hand on her chest. “I mean, what possible reason in the world could I have to give you shit?”  
Lexa opened her mouth to respond, but stopped suddenly as her phone began to ring in her hand and rather than responding, opted to answer the call instead. “Anya?”  
Clarke rolled her eyes and shook her head as she crossed her arms but then slowly felt her brow furrowing while she watched the blood begin to drain from Lexa’s face as her eyes widened and her jaw slipped open. 

“Anya, what the fuck?” An oddly familiar voice suddenly boomed though the phone making Lexa swiftly pull it away from her ear and instantly end the call. 

If something hadn’t actually been wrong before, it was definitely wrong now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would blame my absence on the dummies over in UB, but at this point, I think that it's safe to say that I've been neglecting them too.


	17. Chapter 17

As the world around her seemed to spin, Lexa began to feel slightly dizzy as her brain tried to wrap itself around the words that she had just heard. They did it. They did it! They got in and actually found something and judging by the sound of Raven’s voice, it had to be something pretty massive.

“Lexa,” Clarke’s voice suddenly filled her ears. “Lex?”  
Lexa looked up to find Clarke staring at her with a suddenly softened expression.  
“Are you okay?” Clarke questioned her carefully.  
“I’m…” Lexa paused and shook her head, quickly schooling her features. “I’m sorry. I have to go,” she said before turning and starting to walk away.  
“Oh, so you do know how to use that word,” Clarke’s instantly clipped voice followed.  
Lexa stopped and turned back to face her with a realization taking shape in her mind – Clarke didn’t believe that she was sorry for what had happened. “Clarke,” she shook her head. “I told you that I was sorry the night that I left."  
“Yeah,” Clarke scoffed lightly. “It probably would have been a little more convincing if you had actually meant it,” she lightly spat before turning and walking away on her own.  
Lexa didn’t respond, instead choosing to simply just watch her walk away.

Breaking up with Clarke had been the most painful thing that she had ever done and nothing – nothing about it had been easy and what followed as the news of it spread wasn’t any better either. 

*********************************************************************************************************************************************

Lexa sat defeated at her piano with the fingers of one hand dancing over the ivory keys and a bottle on gin gripped tightly in the other. She had ended things with Clarke and it had been the most devastating thing that she had ever experienced. Clarke was so heartbroken. She had fought and pleaded with tears streaming from her beautiful blue eyes and the only thing Lexa could do was repeat her position over and over, not showing the slightest bit of emotion. Twenty four hours ago she was warm and filled with love, now there was nothing, she was empty and cold. 

Taking a long sip of the bottle, she watched blankly as her phone continued to flood with missed messages and calls. 

It had been going off for hours. 

O: What the actual fuck?  
Raven: What the hell is going on??  
Raven: Really, what the fuck is wrong with you?  
O: Seriously?? Omg! What’s the matter with you!?  
Lincoln: What’s going on? O is freaking out! What happened?  
Bellamy: You said you wouldn’t hurt her.  
Lincoln: Bangkok? Lexa, what the hell are you doing?!

Missed Calls:  
Bellamy (1)  
Clarke (5)  
Lincoln (3)  
Octavia (4)  
Raven (17)

Lincoln: Call me back!  
Clarke: I don’t understand. Please, talk to me.  
Clarke: Why won’t u take my calls??  
Monty: That is just so messed up.  
Clarke: Please, don’t do this.  
Raven: ANSWER THE FUCKING PHONE, ASSHOLE! God! I’m going to kick your fucking ass!  
Jasper: You’re such an ass!  
O: I swear to God, Lexa!!! Answer the phone!!  
Clarke: Lexa, please…  
O: I can’t believe that after everything you would do this to her. I know how much she means to you! Everyone knows how much you two love each other. You need Clarke, as much as she needs you. Why are you doing this??? Come on, Lexa!

Bang! Bang! Bang! “Lexa!” Bang! Bang! “Open the door!!” Bang! Bang!!

As the sudden sound echoed through the apartment, Lexa jumped and slipped off the piano bench, falling to the floor and shattering the bottle in her hand. She sat for a moment, watching her blood pool on the shiny, cold marble before she heard Anya’s voice boom. “Enough!”  
“Where is she?” Lincoln questioned harshly.  
“You need to stop,” Anya stated firmly, with touch of annoyance in her voice. “There are things you don’t understand.”  
“Then help me,” Lincoln pleaded. “What the hell happened?”  
“I made a decision,” Lexa said as she stepped into the room. “That’s what happened.”  
“Lexa, what the…” Lincoln began as he stepped forward.  
Anya grabbed his arm and gave him a cautioning look. “Lexa,” she said gently and redirected her glance, “you’re bleeding.”  
“I fell. There was glass,” Lexa explained as she rubbed the back of her head and grabbed her shirt off of the arm of the couch, quickly wrapping it around her hand. “But, I’m fine – it’s fine,” she shook her head.  
Lincoln sighed. “Just tell me what’s going on?”  
“I just did.” Lexa replied simply.  
“You just up and decided to move to fucking Bangkok?” Lincoln asked, his voice heavy with annoyance.  
“Yes,” Lexa nodded.  
“Why?” Lincoln shrugged in utter bewilderment.  
“That’s not your concern.” Lexa answered blankly.  
Lincoln’s eyes widened instantly. “Not my concern? You’re like my sister! Of course it’s my fucking concern!”  
Lexa just stared at him. 

There was so much emotion radiating from him – love, frustration, pain, and a whole lot of disbelief. It was bad enough that Anya already knew what really happening, she wasn’t going to allow Lincoln to also carry that weight. 

Lexa fought to bury the lump in her throat. “You know how much I love all of you – how much I love Clarke and that I want so many great things for all of you,” she said, as her heart pounded furiously in her chest. “But the fact of the matter is that we all have our place in the world and mine is no longer here,” she said firmly. “Now, if you could go,” she added and motioned to the door. “I have packing to see to.”  
“Wow...” Lincoln breathed as he shook his head in obvious disappointment and he walked to the door, grabbed the knob and then suddenly stared at her with surprisingly sympathetic eyes. “I think that she’s really going to hate you,” he finally said.   
Lexa finally swallowed. “I would expect nothing less,” she confirmed with a nod.  
Lincoln stared at her for another second before shaking his head and exiting the apartment.  
“In fact, I’m counting on it,” Lexa muttered the second the door clicked shut.

*********************************************************************************************************************************************

Lexa sighed as she shook her head and started walking back to her apartment. It was true. She had counted on it and not just from Clarke, but from everyone – all of them. She wanted them to hate her – needed it even, because that was the only way. The only way that they would leave her be and let her go. The only way that they would just, forget about her. 

Except that they didn’t. No. If her time back had shown her anything – anything at all, it was that none of them had ever really forgotten. Not her or how she had hurt them.

Finally crossing the threshold into her apartment, Lexa deposited her keys on the table and instantly her eyes fell on Anya, sitting at her desk obviously reading something on the laptop. 

“So, what did you find?” Lexa asked eagerly as she approached.  
“Well,” Anya looked up and tucked her hair behind her ear. “It took a little while for Raven to get in and find the file, which was hidden and protected, but once she gained access,” she paused and shook her head. “God, I don’t even know where to start.”  
“Really?” Lexa rounded the desk and looked at the screen. “Sonofa…” she muttered. “It never stopped, did it?”  
“I don’t think so,” Anya shook her head as she got to her feet and walked toward the bar.

Slowly dropping down into her chair, Lexa began to click her way through the files, her eyes skimming over the information that had been sealed within for far too long. Some of the things her mind was absorbing, she had no doubt were true – others however, seemed a bit farfetched, though none of it necessarily unbelievable. Either way…

“What now?” Anya’s voice suddenly broke into her thoughts.  
“Hm?” Lexa blinked and glanced up at her.  
“What are you going to do now?” Anya questioned her again. “It’s all right there in black and white. You can tell them – hell, you can even show them. So, what are you going to do?”  
Lexa leaned back in her chair and eyed the screen again as her jaw began to work overtime.

It was true. She could tell them, show them – print it all out in lovely little packets and hand them off one by one. Let it out. Let it be known why she had done what she had done, acted the way that she had. Why she had walked away and cut them all off so quickly. She could, it was all true, but at the same time…God…

“I’m calling a meeting,” Anya said suddenly.  
Lexa’s eyes snapped up as she instantly rose to her feet. “I beg your pardon?”  
“You heard me. I’m calling a meeting – a family meeting.” Anya responded firmly and set her jaw. “I know you won’t do it. I know it! I can see it in your eyes.”  
“That’s not your call to make,” Lexa practically growled and stepped forward.  
“Well, I’m making it mine,” Anya fired back at her, “because you won’t and I get it. I know that you’re scared.”  
“I’m not scared,” Lexa lied defensively and quickly crossed her arms.  
“You are and that’s okay, but Lexa,” Anya shook her head, “this thing has affected both of our lives for far too long and damn it, I want my cousin back!”  
“And I want my friend back,” Raven’s voice suddenly joined the conversation.  
Lexa instantly spun toward the doorway where Raven had appeared and the look in her eyes told her everything that she needed to know. “I never stopped being your friend, Raven,” she said quietly.  
Raven smiled lightly. “I know that,” she said as she walked forward and pulled her into a hug, “now.”  
Lexa’s arms went up without thought as she returned the embrace and tried to slow her racing mind. Raven knew the truth, or at least, knew enough of it.   
“Thank you,” Raven whispered before giving her one last squeeze and stepping back.  
Lexa dropped her hands and lowered her gaze as she nodded in response.

“I’ve already backed up the file, so I’ll leave the laptop with you” Anya said as she crossed the room and picked up her jacket. “I’m going to go make some calls and set things up. I’ll keep you posted.”  
Lexa tucked her hands into her pockets and nodded again, knowing that there was no way to stop this now. Anya was as stubborn as she was and clearly her mind was made up. 

Within minutes of Anya and Raven’s departure Lexa had retrieved the bottle of scotch from the bar and settled herself back at her desk for what she was sure would be a long night of reading. Now, for the first time, she was going to see how deep what she gave up everything for ran and if the tiny shred of hope that she had clung on to for six long years had been in vain.

Hours later Lexa awoke in her chair as a faint light flashed in her eyes and an annoying sound filled her ears. Knocking over the empty scotch bottle as she blindly searched for her phone, she felt a pang of annoyance fire off inside her hazy mind because – God, what time was it?

Anya: Abby’s place tomorrow at three – everyone will be there and I hope you will too.

Lexa stared at the screen and felt her stomach slowly start to churn. Well fuck – that was fast. 

As if by some miracle, the following afternoon Lexa found herself making her way down Abby’s driveway and to the back deck where she was sure everyone would be gathering, but it was a struggle. With every step the air around her seemed to be getting thinner and her feet just heavier and heavier. The sound of Abby’s voice suddenly filled her ears and on some ridiculous instinct, Lexa quickly pressed her body against the side of the house and froze, almost fearing to even breathe.

“Not that we’re complaining, Anya,” Abby voice was pleasant. “But, to what do we own the honor?”  
“Like I said, family meeting – and one that should have happened a long time ago,” Anya’s voice was even. “I was hoping that Lexa would be here, but it doesn’t look like she’s going to show.”  
“Okay guys, everyone come sit down!” Raven suddenly yelled.

Lexa could hear people piling onto the deck, the sounds of mumbled voices and chairs shuffling. She chanced a careful glance around the corner.

“Okay everyone, a lot of things happened a long time ago and it’s time to clear the air. Just try to bear with me, okay?” Anya explained as she set her glass on the table. “I was with Lexa the night she decided to move to Bangkok.   
“We know,” Lincoln responded quickly. “I saw you, remember?”  
“No,” Anya said looking at the floor. “I mean, I was with her when she decided. I know what you all think, but…”  
“Does it really matter?” Bellamy questioned. “I mean, it’s been years.”  
“It matters,” Raven retorted quickly. “And if I, of all people, am saying that, you knuckleheads better listen up.”  
“I know that everyone knows that she went there to run an office for her parents, but it was actually lead to that decision was,” Anya paused and took a deep breath, “way more complicated.”

Complicated wasn’t the word. Lexa leaned back against the house as her mind tore her back to that night.

*********************************************************************************************************************************************

“Father, please” Lexa tried again. “There are a number of people who are more than qualified to handle this. I haven’t even finished school yet. I can’t just pack up and leave.”  
“You can, and you will,” he replied quite sternly. “You can collect your little degrees until your heart is content, I do not care, but – you will go where you are needed and right now, that is Bangkok. You will head the new branch. Should you find time for more schooling, by all means enroll.”  
“I don’t want to go to Bangkok.” Lexa stated with frustration evident in her voice. “I want to stay here. I love being here. I want…”  
“This isn’t about what you want,” he interrupted with a scoff. “This is what you’ve been groomed for. It’s business.”  
“But, my friends are here,” Lexa continued to try, “and Clarke…”  
“Enough,” his voice raised instantly. “I have had quite enough of your life here.”  
“Yeah, of course you have.” Lexa muttered to herself as she lowered her eyes. “Because it actually makes me happy and God forbid…”

SLAP!

In a flash Lexa’s was knocked sideways into the table, causing a collection of items to shatter to the floor and a burning sensation spread over her face. He had heard her.

“You forget yourself, Alexandria,” he was clearly angry now, his eyes were raging. “They are expecting you in Bangkok in three days and you will be there.”  
“And if I’m not?” Lexa asked stubbornly as she straightened back up and eyed him, feeling oddly daring.  
Her father released a grin and it was the worst thing she had ever seen. “Alexandria, you can’t possibly believe that your fate is the only one that we have control over,” he said as he slowly retrieved a file from his briefcase and handed it to her. “Perhaps this little taste, will remind you.”  
Lexa flipped it open and instantly her stomach lurched as her breath hitched. Inside were several pages on every single person that she cared about in the world. Reaching the last page however, her eyes snapped up. “You would burn one of your own?” She questioned, clearly disgusted.  
“Without hesitation,” he answered in short.

She knew what it meant. She had seen it before - many times. He was giving her a choice. Leave her life here and go take her place in Bangkok or stay, and watch as her parents destroyed the lives and quite possibly futures of the people that she cared most about – the people that she truly loved. 

“I’ll do it,” Lexa nodded as a single tear rolled down her face.  
“How admirable of you,” he smirked maliciously and walked to the door. “Three days. Send a list of anything that needs tending to and Emerson will see to it.”

Not a moment later, he was gone. 

Lexa stood rooted on the spot for a moment or two just trying to digest it all. Suddenly a shadow caught her attention and turning she saw Anya lingering in the doorway. “How much did you hear?”  
“Enough.” Anya answered tightly. “I’m in there, aren’t I?”  
Lexa nodded slightly.  
“Lexa, you don’t have to…” Anya began, surprisingly soft, but silenced when a sharp glare met her eyes.  
“You can’t tell anyone,” Lexa said quickly.  
“I won’t.” Anya assured her as she shook her head.  
“Promise me,” Lexa almost demanded as she met her eyes.  
“I promise,” Anya held her gaze and nodded firmly. “What are you going to do?”  
“You already know.” Lexa croaked as took out her phone.

Lexa: We need to talk.  
Clarke: Should I come to you?  
Lexa: No. I’ll come to you.

*********************************************************************************************************************************************

Lexa pressed her head against the house hard as tears streamed down her cheeks. She had known her father. He was powerful, extremely connected and seriously unaffected. Destroying people’s lives was something that he had become known for over the years and he did it with ease and without remorse. If he had already gone far enough to collect the information, then he meant exactly what he was threatening. That much, she knew was true and Anya had known it too. 

“Anya contacted me a yesterday morning,” Raven’s voice broke into Lexa’s thoughts, “and asked me to unlock Lexa’s father’s laptop. It took a bit of work, but when I got in, I found files on every single one of us.”  
“Files containing what?” Jasper questioned.  
“Information. Details about our lives,” Anya answered simply. “Ways to fuck them up,” she added with a slight huff.  
“Wait, so, he was going to try and come after us?” Jasper questioned again.  
“Not try, he would have succeeded. Ruining people’s lives was like a specialty of his.” Anya answered confidently.   
“And apparently, he still kept an eye on all of us even after Lexa left,” Raven added and crossed her arms.  
“Oh, come on,” Bellamy said quickly. “What could he have possibly had?”  
“Remember that girl that you didn’t know was underage, Bell?” Raven responded loudly. 

Silence.

Lexa chanced another glance. Everyone knew about Bellamy’s one night with an underage girl. The girl hadn’t looked as young as she actually was – nowhere near, everyone agreed and though what had happened between the two of them had been entirely consensual – Bellamy was gutted by it and had barely so much as looked at another woman for months afterwards.

“Listen, it doesn’t really matter what he had.” Raven spoke again. “The point is that what he had - including his connections, would have been enough. For some of us, school would have been over. For others, it could have been worse – possibly even been jail time. He even had a file on you, Abby.”   
“You have to understand, my uncle was so well connected – so involved in so many things,” Anya paused and shook her head, “so damn powerful and he was going to come after us all – no holds barred. That man always got what he wanted - always.”  
“So, you’re saying that Lexa leaving is what protected all of us?” Monty asked.  
Anya nodded. “Lexa is a major hard ass, but she loved you all, so much. You were her real family,” she told them, her voice actually soft. “I had never seen her more at home than she was when she was with all of you. She knew what her parents were capable of and she knew that leaving was the only way that she could guarantee they would leave you all alone.”

Lexa continued watching from a far, just letting the tears fall freely. It was true. 

“She was so, emotionally void, the night we broke up. She had never been like that with me.” Clarke finally spoke. “I thought…” she paused and stood suddenly and gripped the railing, both shaking and nodding her head as if she had suddenly realized something.  
“What is it?” Raven asked, stepping forward.  
“When we were arguing, the only hint of emotion that I saw was when she said that she wanted me to have a good life – the best life.” Clarke croaked with tears swimming in her eyes. “God, she’s such an honorable ass.”  
“She is,” Anya nodded in agreement. “She let herself be isolated in Bangkok, bending to her parents every word for six years for you – for us. All of us.”  
“Wait,” Clarke’s eyes widened as the words sank in. “That means that she didn’t want to leave? That she really was in love with me after all?”  
Anya shook her head lightly as a smirk crossed her lips and a sigh escaped her. “Clarke…”

Lexa felt her eyes sharpen on the spot.

_Was? ___

__Clearing her throat loudly, Lexa finally stepped around the corner and instantly felt all of their eyes on her, but met only Clarke’s. “Not was,” she said firmly._ _

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to contact me here:  
> • z.roe@hotmail.com  
> • @zroe_z (Twitter)


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